Great. This is just what I fucking needed. The same fucking day that I FINALLY work up the courage up to ask this cute temp Lauren out on a date and get fucking DENIED because she's "just coming out of serious relationship and needs some me time" whatever the FUCK that means, Ryan Braun decides to break up with his girlfriend and announce it on Kiss fucking FM. Fuck you Ryan Braun. Why didn't you just come to my work during lunch break and do it?
Are you fucking kidding me? You think that just because you're some good looking baseball player with his own clothing line that you can just hog all the hot chicks in Milwaukee? Is that what you fucking think? Because I have something to tell you, SOME girls aren't into all that. SOME girls aren't into your stupid fucking t-shirts. SOME girls aren't into your tongue wagging and showboating. SOME girls like guys like me, guys they can talk to about their feelings who won't try things on the first date. SOME girls want a guy who they can tailgate with who out drinks all his friends, not some asshole who is friends with A-Rod. Why don't you fucking call back the Bachelor or something? Why do you have to steal all the girls from regular guys like me? Guys like me who pay your fucking salary asshole!
I mean, Jesus fucking Christ, this has been like the worst week ever. The thing with Lauren was one thing, but then I asked for this other girl's phone number who I met at a Brewers game and she had a fucking boyfriend. If you had a fucking boyfriend why were you flirting with me the whole fucking game? I would have had like six more beers and three more brats plus some cheese fries if I knew you had a fucking boyfriend! For fucks sake. I guess I just don't fucking get why this keeps happening to me. No matter what I do I can't seem to get laid. I mean, I'm a nice guy! I'm sensitive! I'll watch Grey's Anatomy with you and I own like every Jason Mraz CD! The other day I bought She's Just Not That Into You On-Demand just so I had something to talk to Lauren about at work. We see how fucking good that worked out. I just want someone to talk to! Someone to fucking care about! It's not enough that I have to compete with all these assholes who work out and have a drivers license, I also have to compete with Ryan fucking Braun? Fan-fucking-tastic. Why don't you just kick my dog while you're at it? Thanks a lot Ryan Braun, now I'll never get laid. Asshole.