15
Oct 09

Witrado’s Quest: A Miller Park Drunk Event

The slow news days have begun and due to MLB rules there is only a playoff game once every six days. What do we do? Inspired by our favorite site The Dugout, we've decided to follow our favorite JSOnline writer Anthony Witrado on a quest. A quest to find love, adulation and respect in a cruel world that doesn't understand him or particularly like him. Will he find what he's been seeking? Or will he fail at it, like he's failed at life so many times before? Find out in Witrado's Quest: A Miller Park Drunk Event. Continue reading →


14
Oct 09

Zack Hample, Conan O’Brien and why ballhawking is still a bad choice

I like to think that I am the world's foremost expert on d-bags who wear gloves to a baseball game. When I am asked to go on CNN to comment on the Happy Youngster's inevitable serial killing spree, I want it to to look like this.

cnnpic

I can talk and write about this topic forever. They never stop being fun to make fun of. I know the ins and outs of the game and in some ways I'm the Bill James of the hating-ballhawks community. So you should know that NOTHING on this planet gave me more pleasure than seeing Conan O'Brien give him the business on the Tonight Show. In case you missed it: Continue reading →


28
May 09

Make way for the Prince

We now take a break from gloating about SINGLE HANDEDLY changing Todd Coffey's entrance music to talk about Prince Fielder.

Prince Fielder is either the best or the second best player on the Brewers. Period.

No matter how you measure it he is more valuable than anyone on the team not named Ryan Braun. Yet, I think of all the Brewers he gets the least amount of respect and it doesn't make a lick of sense to me. Consider this: if Prince Fielder hits 20 more home runs this year and then 30 home runs next year (which is a HUGELY conservative estimate) he would be #6 on the Brewers all time list. Two more and he's tied for fifth, he even has an outside chance of tying Cecil Cooper for 4th (he'd have to average 43.5). He is basically GUARANTEEED to have the sixth most home runs in Brewers history. That's crazy. He's currently second to Ryan Braun (who else?) for 2nd best OPS in team history and he's right there with Sexson and Braun in At bats per home run. He's hit more home runs in a season than any Brewer ever has. Basically, Prince Fielder is one of the greatest power hitters Brewers fans have ever seen. So where's the love?

Now, I'm not saying that he's not liked. He is liked, I just think that his contributions aren't as appreciated as they should be. He's always expected to do more, play better defense, hit more home runs, everything. Whenever people talk about trading someone to improve the pitching (which is so horrible that it ranks 6th in the National League) Prince is the first person brought up (in the interest of fairness, these people are idiots). I'm here to tell you that getting rid of Prince Fielder is the equivalent of throwing in the towel. This team does not make the playoffs without him. The team is lucky to finish .500 without him. Furthermore as fans of the team, we should want to hang onto Prince for as long as possible. We are witnessing a GREAT power hitter that most teams aren't as lucky to see come through their system. I just don't get it. Why doesn't Prince get the adulation he deserves?

Possible reasons:Prince Fielder

  • Crappy at-bat music (see above)
  • Despite terrible at-bat music, it's still better than fan favorite Corey Hart's
  • Decided to become a vegetarian after reading a book called Skinny Bitch
  • Weight issues remind fans too much of their own
  • Manny Parra fans still upset Prince nearly killed him
  • #28 reminds fans of the film 28 Days Later bringing up unresolved zombie issues
  • Not Ryan Braun

If Prince was on a lot of other teams he would undoubtedly be that team's best player, but since the Brewers have Ryan Braun he's the second banana. It's not fair, it's just the way it is. Prince is still amongst the top 30-40 players in Major League Baseball, unfortunately for him his teammate is in the top 10-15.


04
May 09

Enough with the gimmicks people

Let's do things a little differently today. I am going to show you a few pictures and you can decide for yourself how you feel about them. Then when we are done with that, I am going to tell you exactly how I feel about them. Sound good? Good.

banana asshole

gorilla assholes

keg asshole(Thanks to StB08 on Twitter)

bunny asshole

Now, taken one at a time these people could be considered funny, cool or at the very least creative. I give them kudos for their creativity and enthusiasm. However, I seriously doubt their intentions. When you are dressing up like this, you aren't going to the game to watch the team play. You are going to the game to get attention. Of course these people want the Brewers to win the game, but what REALLY makes them happy is for people to give them high-fives and say "Oh man, I love your costume." And you know what? I am not going to do it. I am not going to give them the adulation they so desperately seek. They are attention whores. Plain and simple. The only attention whores I like are the ones who double as regular whores too.

Every single series I go to I end up seeing more and more of these people. They multiply like someone poured water on Gizmo's back. I'm not saying I want to live in a world where these people don't exist. Like my mom used to tell me, every family needs a big, fat, stupid idiot. The thing is there are far too many of these people out there right now and if someone doesn't say something now this may spin out of control. To the point where every game starts to look more like a costume party at Elton John's condo than a baseball game.

So here I am saying it: cut it out. You hear me guys in the gorilla outfits? That can't be comfortable and this isn't a freaking Phoenix Suns game. You hear me banana guy? I honestly don't even understand what you are going for there. You hear me rabbit head? (Actually, you probably don't. That head looks pretty thick.) This is a BASEBALL game, you are here to watch BASEBALL. Save your furry fantasies for the bedroom. I swear to you that you can have fun at this place without dressing like that. SO STOP IT.

(None of the above applies to shave stuff in your chest guy. Don't ever change my friend.)

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