Tag Archives: alcohol

Norichika Aoki needs some help to win Rookie of the Year

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I am going to say something right now that a lot of Brewers fans might not be prepared to hear: Norichika Aoki is not going to win the Rookie of the Year award this season. He won't even be close.

Bryce Harper is a lock for the NL Rookie of the Year award. Bryce Harper is hitting .262/.333/.459 and playing center field (well) on a playoff team as a NINETEEN YEAR OLD. That's kind of amazing. When I was 19 I listened to Kid Rock and worked in a warehouse. I spent all my money on DVDs and alcohol. I was a complete loser with no direction and no hope for the future. It was kind of like now, but I didn't have a cool blog and my girlfriend was less attractive and kind of a weirdo. (Take that, life.) There was no way I could have ever been a starting center fielder in the major leagues. Even if I had the talent that I genetically lack, I still wouldn't have been responsible enough to handle what Bryce Harper is doing right now. What I am trying to say is I hate Bryce Harper. He's better at life than me so screw him.

On the other hand Norichika Aoki is 30. He's hitting a slick .293/.362./.438 that actually makes him a better hitter than Bryce, but he plays right field and his defense is worse. There are a lot of arguments to made that Norichika Aoki is a better player than Bryce Harper this season and that is a very good argument to make. Besides the homerun category Aoki is better or close in nearly every statistical category. Continue reading »

Tips for making a Brewers playoff baby

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I have this friend named John. He is a HUGE Brewers fan and so is his dad. In fact, his dad is such a big Brewers fan that John most likely wouldn't exist if it wasn't for the Brewers 1982 World Series run. You see his parents had sex after one of the games and she got pregnant and later John was born. This kind of thing happens all the time. By my estimation I wouldn't exist if it wasn't for alcohol the series premiere of The Greatest American Hero. (You should see the way my mom cries when she hears "Believe It Or Not".) With the Brewers set to make another run toward the World Series love is definitely in the air. Our "sex in a stadium bathroom" post has been getting record hits over the last week, Bonnie Brewer outfits are completely sold out from the fetish shop I go to and even Al's Ramblings is talking to girls now. The playoffs are here, love is all around us and it is only natural that babies are going to be made as a result.

Of course, having a baby is a big decision that should not be entered into lightly and you should use caution and make bla bla bla because it's something that will affect you for the bla bla bla of your bla bla bla. Who cares!? Really. The Brewers are going to the World Series! You're going to be together with whoever you are with now forever! And you'll name your baby Rickie Prince Ryan Park Drunk Gallardo (your last name)! Everything is going to work out fine! BREWERS!!!!!

Look, you people who are going to do this you know who you are. If you're going to do this then just do it. I make mistakes that will change the rest of my life forever all the time, but if you're going to do this you need to do it right. You can't just rush into this thing, you need a gameplan. You need me to show you the way to make a Brewers playoff baby the right way. In fact, let's do that right now. Continue reading »

What Brewer would you trust with your girlfriend?

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I do my best not to get jealous when it comes to my girlfriend. Whether it's her puzzling lifelong crush on Jason Mraz or the people who won't stop telling me how "lucky" I am to be with her or any of her assorted male best friends, I do my best not to let it bother me. After all she is with me and not them for a reason, I don't know what that reason might be (I suspect some sort of experiment for college credit), but the fact is that she is with me and not them. So I try not to get jealous, but she's attractive and she owns a vagina so she gets hit on a lot. I do my best not to let it bother me, but sometimes it does. Like the other day.

The other day she went to the corner store where we normally go to pick up alcohol and other drinks and the cashier (who never does this sort of thing) asked her if she had a boyfriend. She told him that she did and when he asked if it was "that guy you're always in here with" she told him that yes, that was me and I was her boyfriend. (Good work, btw girlfriend.) I would have preferred "Yeah he's my boyfriend you got a problem with that douchebag? His name is Vince and he will f*ckin' END you for this, dog", but she's not Lil' Kim and probably way too nice to even think to say something like that. Plus, she probably doesn't believe I could actually end anybody. Still, that should have shut him up right? He should be apologizing to her. Apologizing for the great disrespect that he has shown for the two of us and our relationship because we seem like nice people and are probably a really good couple. "Sorry," he should say, "I messed up," but of course he doesn't do that. No, he has something to say. He says "Oh...."

I heard that he was gay.

I heard that he was gay.

I heard that he was gay.

Seriously? That's your play, guy who I always talk to about sports? Really, guy who I once told to "start stocking condoms because I don't want another kid"? That's your move? Really? You sure about that, guy with a neck tattoo who is out of her league anyways?

(And I'm not gay. I watch professional wrestling! There's nothing gay about that, that's for sure!)

It sucks. I can't even trust my girlfriend to buy me a Vitamin Water without some jerkoff trying to hit on her, but the truth is that when it comes to your girlfriend you really can't trust anybody. How many movies are there about best friends in love with the same girl or the guy in love with his brother's fiance? How many vampires have to steal girls from werewolves before we learn that this stuff happens in real life? It happens all the time, every single day and there is only a few people in the world that you can trust.

I know that with my girlfriend I can trust the following people: Continue reading »

The almost last thing you will hear about the Pants Party

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Here's where we stand, right now:

I announced we were having a party.

I tried to convince you to go with a list of the five people you'll meet at the party. It was kind of funny.

Then I tried to convince you with our excellent menu. This sort of worked.

I convinced my friend Larry of Wezen Ball to write a guest post for the party. He called it "What's So Great About the First Inning?" and it was really good.

Surprisingly, KLSnow of Brew Crew Ball took it upon himself to invite you to the party in the Frosty Mug. That was cool.

Then, for some reason in a greater surprise, Carson Cistulli of Fangraphs did the same. That was weird, but cool.

Finally, I had Tyler Maas do another guest post today about why you should attend. It was classic Tyler, good too.

Which brings us to now. I've only got a few tickets left and I can't think of anything else to say to convince you to go. We have beer. We have food. We have really cool people to talk to. We have math nerds to pick on. It's going to be a nice day (you hear that God? It's going to be a nice day motherf@*#$r!) and Sundays at Miller Park are the best. It's got a decent price and it's a bobblehead game. That's all there really is to it. I don't know what else to say about it that hasn't already been said.

I'm going to leave this link up for tonight and the rest of the weekend and I sincerely hope you buy a ticket. Not because I want to make money off of this (I'm putting every dime we make right back into the party. More money=more food, beer and prizes), but because I want you to have a good time. This blog has been one of the best things in my life for over a year now (right behind alcohol and hentai porn) and I want to give back to the people who like it. That's it. I want to party with you and if you do we are going to have a good time, even if it kills me (and by me, I mean my liver).

If we sell all our tickets, great. If we sell more than we have, we'll get more and that will also be great. If we don't sell any more, that's fine too. The people who come will have a tailgate to remember. They will love it. If you like this site, you should really consider coming to this event because it's going to rock. If you miss it, you will regret it later. Trust me. I've been wrong about a lot of things on this site (for instance I traded Corey Hart a month ago), but on this one I know that I'm right. We're going to have a lot of fun. Join us.

Have a good weekend.

8.29.10
Beer. Food. Ticket.
$25


Why I’m Attending the Pants Party

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Yesterday Larry Granville of Wezen Ball chimed in on his attendance to Miller Park Drunk's Pants Party and today Tyler Maas does the same. These two well respected writers (well, at least Larry is respected) will be attending as well as popular bloggers from Fangraphs, BrewCrewBall and Disciples of Uecker. It's kind of a big deal, but you don't have to be a Brewers blogger to go. No, all you need to do is buy a ticket. There are less than twenty left and I would really like to sell the rest to readers like you instead of barflies from my local tavern. At least you guys won't come up to me every time you see me and be like "Hey, remember that time we went to the Brewers game together? That was awesome" and then have nothing else to say because we're not actually friends and you know nothing about me. I hate people like that. You guys though? You're my people. Now buy a ticket.

I’m sure the near dozen of you Miller Park Drunk readers out there were filled with a lot of different questions when my presence at the inaugural MPD Pants Party was announced last month. Of them: “What’s a Tyler Maas … should I know him?”, “Why hasn’t he updated Doctors of Za in forever?” and “Why is Tyler Maas going to the Pants Party?”

While I cannot offer you clear answers for the first two questions, I sure as shit can chime in on the third. Allow me to answer that question—Why is Tyler Maas going to the Pants Party?—with another question. Why wouldn’t I go to the Pants Party? (do you see how I turned that around on you?)

If that Ginsu-sharp witticism isn’t enough to explain why some random dude who, of late, is referenced here more than he actually blogs about baseball, then here are a few more reasons why I will be—and you should be—picking up the slacks (double entendre) in Pants Party attendance. These reasons appear in no particular order, excluding importance to me. Continue reading »