01
Nov 12

Brewers Free Agent Fornication Set To Begin

Despite what Tyler Maas said the other day, how awesome is it that the season is over? I AM SO HAPPY! No more dreaming of impossible scenarios that won't happen, no more Brewers bullpen doing Brewers bullpen thing, no more Cardinals, no more Barry Zito, no more MLB Betting, no more Prince Fielder used to be a Brewer and no more stupid teams in the stupid World Series. I'm glad it's all over and I am ready to move on to my favorite time of the year: free agency!

The great thing about free agency is that everyone is interesting. Alex Gonzalez is a slightly above average shortstop in the declining phase of his career, but when they signed him last year it felt like they were getting Cal Ripken Jr. (The young bald shortstop version, not the older bald third base version.) Free agency has a way of filling us with hope and making us believe that whatever dude we just signed is going to be the key to our championship season.*

*= Unless that signing is Eric Gagne, Jeff Suppan, Jason Kendall, Doug Davis or any of the other sucky assholes this team has brought in over the past few years.

With the free agent FrEnZy set to begin I thought we should take a look at who the Brewers may or may not get. This isn't meant to be a predictions post because my name is not Doug Melvin, but is instead a handy guide for any Brewers front office staff who might be reading this to gauge our feelings on any potential signings. Last season was the worst (and then briefly the best, but mostly the absolute worst) and I don't want to go through that again. You have to get this one right. Don't mess this one up, guys. No pressure.

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15
Oct 12

Rooting for former Brewers in the playoffs

Despite the Brewers season being over, baseball is still being played. There are three baseball teams and one soulless machine sent from hell still remaining. Some of you may be tempted to watch these baseball games and take a rooting interest in the outcomes of those games. I can't discourage this enough. First of all, all the other teams suck and aren't remotely as cool as the team from Milwaukee. Second of all, the Cardinals are just going to win the World Series again and make you hate your life even more for those two weeks you spent rooting for the Tigers. Just forget it. Black it out.

However, if you insist on watch these games then you probably want to know who you should root for. For you gluttons for punishment I present this guide to your former Brewers in the playoffs and where your rooting interests should lie. Good luck and Godspeed. Continue reading →


04
Mar 10

Prince Fielder better watch it, man

Hey Milwaukee, how's it going man? Alright. It's your amigo Barry Zito here and I just want to holler at you for a quick second here about Prince Fielder, alright. Last season Prince Fielder sent some serious bad vibes our way with his walk-off homerun celebration and a lot of us Giants are still pissed about it, bro. That was really bad karma and we just didn't appreciate it, man. We were in the midst of a playoff race and just tryin' to keep on winnin' man, w-i-n-i-n.

/takes off shirt

We weren't happy about the loss and I didn't really like havin' it thrown in our faces. Since I am starting against the Brewers today some people want me to throw at Prince, but that's not really my style man. I'd just assume keep a little change in my pocket and not get suspended.

/talks about what's under the hood

I went up to Guillermo Mota and asked him if he wanted to throw at Prince, but he said no. It'd be a lot cooler if he did.

/smokes pot Continue reading →


24
Apr 09

Alyssa Milano previews the upcoming series

Alyssa MilanoSometimes I don't feel like writing and since I'm young and hip, I can call my other young and hip friends to fill in for me. Smart, intelligent, baseball fans who are happy to do it. Like the star of Charmed and Charles in Charge Who's The Boss?, Alyssa Milano!

Hiya! I know what ur probably thinking, like omigod what is she doing here? Shouldn't she be acting in some super successful movie or attending some glitzy red carpet event? What you might not know about me, Alyssa Milano, is that I love baseball! Like so much! I even wrote a book about it. Now I know youare all huge fans and probably have like a million questions for me so I'll just try to get a few of the big ones out of the way.
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