16
Feb 12

The many styles of Ryan Braun, part four

After thinking Ryan Braun looked so good yesterday the Fashion Police return to find Braunie Remetee-ing it up again.

 

Tyler: I'm going to tap out at 3 photos. I don't know how much more I can write about Ryan Braun's fashion sense this lifetime.

Stephanie: There is absolutely nothing positive I can say about this. Oh wait, at least his hair is short here? This is the worst out of all of his outfits thus far. It combines all the worst elements of a wardrobe; dbag t-shirt, embellished man jeans and some odd pinstripe suit coat. The only explanation is that he was all strung out on LimeLite and Valtrex when he decided on wearing this outfit. Continue reading →


03
Jun 10

And now a message from JJ Hardy

Hey look, it's JJ Hardy! Remember him? He was a Brewer last year. I wonder what he's been up to lately. .226/.275/.346? That's like Gregg Zaun in April bad, only without the getting better in May part. Yikes. Let's see how he feels about that.

What's up cheese for brains... brains?

I saw that you finally won a game last night, that must have been so exciting for you. Wins are kind of old news up here in Minnesota, we're usually win like 10 or eleven games a week up here. It's a lot different than Milwaukee, that's for sure. For one, we play outdoors not like you wussies with your roof. You know what happened the other day? It rained. On the baseball field. I was like "close the roof!" and Justin Morneau was all like "we don't have a roof bro." It was nuts, man.

So how's that new shortstop working out for you? Owl City Escobar, right? How many homeruns does he got? Two? That's it, really? Only two? Pssh, I have three already and I've played like 15 less games than he has. Good thing you traded me, haha. Wasn't he supposed to be some kind of savior or something? Number one prospect, my butthole.

How about that guy you traded me for, Carlos something-Mexican? Perez? Gonzalez? Chimichanga? How's he doing? Three homeruns too, eh? That's pretty good. I bet his average isn't as good as mine though. Oh? Well, how about his OBS or whatever? 71 points higher, are you sure? Well, it's early. I'm sure he'll go on a cold streak sooner or later. As long as mine's higher than Al Sea-Tac's Scuba Gear, I'm good. Continue reading →


03
Nov 09

Hey Ryan Braun, let’s make a movie!

Ryan Braun loves him some offseason projects. He doesn't want to be a baseball player. He wants to be Coke, he wants to be Pepsi, he wants to be Chevy, Ford and BMW. Ryan Braun isn't just an All-Star, he's a brand. The name Ryan Braun equals quality and it reaches far beyond the baseball field. Whether it's Ryan Braun's Tavern and Grille, RB8 or Remetee, he sets out to do good things. I like Ryan Braun, he impresses me.

Why should he stop here? He needs to just keep getting bigger and bigger. Obviously the next logical step is movies and boy oh boy, do I have the perfect movie pitch for you Ryan Braun. You want to be a movie star? You want to extend your brand? You want to get laid about 15,000 times more than you do now? Well, I've written you a screenplay that will BLOW YOUR MIND and surely become one of the top box office hits of 2010 (that's right, we're fast tracking this baby!) I have the story that's going to take Ryan Braun from "Major League Baseball Star" to "Bigger than Jesus, Babe Ruth, Leonardo DiCaprio and 80's Michael Jackson combined". I have the idea that is going to make Shaq and his movies like, well, Shaq movies. Are you ready for this? Are you ready for....

ryan braun jew commando

When a group of Neo-Nazi's seek to re-animate Hitler and kill all the famous Jewish people in the world, there's only one man who can stop them and his name is Ryan Braun.

It's time for this Jewish All-Star to deliver some suffering of his own - with a baseball bat!

Call me.


16
Jul 09

Ryan Braun tells you where to go and what to do, but somehow fails

Ryan BraunDid anyone else get this email? Because we did.

Hi,

When traveling to a new a city or looking for a new restaurant or club to try at home, a simple Google search just doesn’t cut it. What if you could get recommendations on where to eat and what to do from people ‘like you’ or, even better, from celebrity, super-human athletes like Ryan Braun.

LikeMe.Net, the next generation in social media, offers just that. It’s a recommendation search engine, which tailors your search to your specific interests. Awesome. Even better? Finding out where Ryan Braun spends his time when he’s not crushing it baseball field.

You can see his video at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JMHHhc92gUI

Check out his recommendation page at: http://www.likeme.net/users/RyanBraun/recommendations

Let me know if you have any questions. Enjoy All-Star week.

Cheers,

Lauren

First of all, why the hell should I care where Ryan Braun recommends me to eat? To be an athlete in the kind of shape he's in he probably has to eat food like the bread that Jews eat during the Sabbath. No thanks. Second of all, he recommends places in California or Florida which doesn't exactly help me much. Here's the restaurant Katana which Ryan describes as "The food is so great, and there are a lot of beautiful people here. It's just a great place to go before going out." Great food and beautiful people? It's like gourmet narcissism! The menu looks decent and surprisingly affordable (unlike another Braun spot Prime 112 and their $23 soup), but it also looks like a place that Spencer's creepy flesh colored beard would hang out at. Fail Braun, fail.

Braun also goes on to recommend everything from cellphones (Blackberry Curve 8330: "I'm a businessman now so it's all about email efficiency.") to (surprise) Remetee clothing ("It's something like between Affliction and Ed Hardy. My partners are the majority owners of Affliction. We just felt like it was an opportunity to do something that was a little more colorful and friendly, and for me, it's something I really enjoy. It's available in Nordstrom, Macy's, Bloomingdales, etc."). I wonder if they ever thought of that for a slogan for Remetee, "Remetee: It's just like Affliction or Ed Hardy, only with more pink and purple!" The best part of Ryan Braun's recommendations are the baseball stadiums. That's a really nice touch. Here's his review of Wrigley Field:

It's a special place to watch a ball game. Every fan should experience this place -- a lot of day games, a lot of drinking and tailgating, and as a visiting player, we enjoy going into this atmosphere and environment. It makes it a lot of fun.

I am starting to wonder if Ryan knows the definition of tailgating because in order to tailgate I am pretty sure that you need an actual, you know, place to park. I could be wrong though. (Nope, I'm right.) I'm also kind of wondering if Ryan is saying that baseball players like playing when everyone is drunk during the day because he certainly seems to imply that. That'd be pretty awesome actually.

He also covers his hometown Dodger Stadium:

I grew up in L.A., and I still live there. I really enjoy getting the opportunity to go back when we play the Dodgers. I'm able to reflect on where I'm at, what I've accomplished, and what I'm doing because I grew up a big Dodger fan. It's fun to play against them -- they have a good team, we have a good team. It's not necessarily a rivalry because we only play them a couple times a year, but it's always a lot of fun and a good series.

Do you know how many games Ryan Braun has played in Dodger Stadium? I don't want to be a dick about it, but these things aren't that hard to find out and it literally takes about 20 seconds to look it up online. Two games. That's it. Sure, he could enjoy playing the Dodgers and he most definitely enjoys going back home but you've been there ONE TIME. This is my biggest Braun pet peeve, he talks like he has been in the league for 20 years and constantly gets away with it. He's like a 14 year old who wants to talk to you about sex. Give me a break.

I hate being down on Braun all the time though. I mean, he really likes playing in Milwaukee and signed a contract that he didn't have to sign to stay here. We should be happy. I mean look at this compliment he gives Milwaukee:

Don't sleep on Milwaukee. The people here really take their summers seriously because they don't have good weather very often. It's been great to me so far. It's fun.

At least I think that was a compliment.

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