|/steps off the plane in Minnesota|
|Where the F are we?|
|The itinerary says "Minn-ass-atah".|
|Where is that, freakin' Japan?|
|No, "Minn-AH-So-Tah". You know, 'Discover Minnesota' like in the commercials they show during our games.|
|You watch TV during our games?|
|Whoa, what's the deal with all these white people? I feel like the Jackie Robinson of Minnesota tourism.|
|Yeah and did you notice how things are sort of "blue collar" here?|
|And there is a surprising amount of overweight people?|
|Talk about a bizarro world.|
|Yeah and did you see all these purple jerseys? It's almost like the people who live here care more about their NFL team than their baseball team.|
|DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO|
|And what is the deal with all these lakes? It's like every time you turn around, there's another lake.|
|The road is long with many a winding turn. He ain't heavy, he's my brother.|
|If I can be serious for a moment, I bet some of the population says things like "yah hey dare" and "doncha know?"|
|I bet the people here hate the Chicago Bears.|
|I bet in the winter time it is easier to find fresh venison than a good plate of caviar and that it's always easier to find a good microbrew than a nice bottle of wine.|
|I bet the amount of liberals and conservatives is evenly distributed, but for some reason most of the liberals live in a specific area of the state.|
|I bet the fall is beautiful, the winters too long and the summers too short.|
|Seriously Ken, this place is freaking me out. I'm a hitting coach, get me out of here!|
|Yeah, it's nothing like Wisconsin. We need to hightail it out. Screw our record, this is about SURVIVAL.|
|Don't worry guys, I'll take care of everything.|
Surely, by now you have heard the story about the Brewers fan catching Chris Coghlan's first career home run ball and then holding it for "ransom". If you haven't here's a quick rundown of it.
Coghlan's home run was caught Wednesday night by a Milwaukee Brewers fan who refers to himself as "The Happy Youngster" and claims on his blog to have caught nearly 50 homers.
And while Coghlan said the fan was willing to give the ball back, the man's original asking price was a lot higher than the Marlins rookie outfielder anticipated.
"He wasn't the most polite or respectful guy about the whole process," Coghlan said Thursday. "He told me he goes around a lot and catches these balls and holds them for ransom — even though he doesn't say that he does, it seems that way."
Sounds like a real winner, right? I guess there is a part of me that can admire someone who wants to get game balls. If a ball is hit to my area, I go for it. At the same time, I don't wear a glove. Why? Because I am not 12 years old. I have never caught a ball in my life so maybe I SHOULD wear a glove so that I can position myself and be ready. Maybe I should quit tailgating and show up inside for batting practice. Maybe I should start wearing the opposing team's hat and jersey to the games so that they will see me as a fan of them and throw me balls. Hey, maybe I should stop going to games to watch baseball and have fun. Maybe I should just go to them strictly to get balls, then I could have thousands of balls and I could hang out with other people who don't even really like baseball! Then me and my new ballhawking friends could go to spring training and I could make a diving catch that I didn't really even need to dive for to add to my pathetic collection so that I could be on SportsCenter! Then I could start a blog and write about how much a frickin' loser I am! Then I could meet a nice girl and settle down, well settle down as in get laid for once in my life, train her to be as pathetic as I am and have a kid who I will pass my douchebaggery gene onto!
Or maybe I could continue how I am going and continue to be a real fan of the baseball team that I like. Go to games to watch them and not to make myself into some sort of pseudo-celebrity. I think Al said it best when he said "Again, this "fan" simply embarrasses all Brewers' fans, not to mention all police officers and, well, all human beings." It's a complete joke, yet this is the world we live in. People think they are entitled to things just because they bothered to show up. Good for you, you caught this guy's home run ball. You don't deserve anything for it. If I am your dentist do I keep your daughter's first tooth? When you ask someone to take a picture of you and your friends, do they ask you what will you give them for it? If you found someone's lost dog, would you ask them for two puppies and a kitten to give it back? Absolutely not. It's called basic human decency. The odds of being a professional baseball player are pretty slim, the odds of getting to play in the Majors are slimmer and to hit your first career home run is basically the culmination of a lifelong dream. He might never hit another home run, he could get beaned tomorrow and never play baseball again. You don't know, anything could happen. To give up this ball, that is worth basically nothing in the real world to anyone but him, should be an honor and a pleasure. Instead, it's a negotiation about what you think you DESERVE for being in the right place at the right time. F. U.
Here's what I think everyone should do when they see this guy. Report him. If you read his blog it's clear that he is often not in the seats he is supposed to be in. So when you see him, tell the usher to check his ticket. When he does his "ball trick" in the bullpen? Tell someone. You're not supposed to be doing it. I have absolutely no problem with getting people thrown out of a game if they are a douchebag and it's pretty clear to me that this is the biggest douchebag at Miller Park (even when the Cubs are in town.) So screw him, get him out of there. The last thing you want as a fan is someone making you look bad. This guy makes us look bad just by waking up in the morning.
To summarize - I don't like this guy. I don't like his kind. Ballhawks, to me, are the worst kind of fans. They are a joke, but do you know what pisses me off more than ballhawks? This girl.
Here I am writing a beloved blog for all the true fans touching on the hot topics of the day. Making people laugh, making people think, making people talk and most of all helping people enjoy the life of being a Brewers fan. Yet, the guy who goes to game and collects balls is the one selling t-shirts to attractive 20-something med students? Are you kidding me? THAT guy is making money off being a Brewers fan? The guy who wears different team apparel to every game? ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?
You know what? That's okay. Two can play this game. Introducing the first Miller Park Drunk t-shirt.
Yesterday Tom "I hate my job" Haudricourt did a chat at JSOnline. He answered a lot of questions, but he didn't have time for all of them. Luckily, Tom H and I are tight (we listen to goth music together) and he allowed me to put the questions and his answers that they didn't have time for right here on Miller Park Drunk!
Q: mary anne, milwaukee - tom are you on facebook, myspace or twitter?
A: Tom Haudricourt - Why don't you check out my FaceBook profile and find out? Oh that's right I am not an idiot like you who uses FaceBook or MYspace. Go tweet yourself.
Q: milwaukee fan - You are an awesome writer and I love Tony as well. Just a quick question: what color is the sky?
A: Tom Haudricourt - Thanks so much. We do our best around here, we like to think of ourselves as the Woodward and Berninstein of Milwaukee. To answer your question: depends what day.
Q: Mark, Eau Claire - Tom: I was wondering if you could tell me how Braun's first three years thus far compare to some of the other great baseball players. It seems like he's right up there with Pujols and other legends.
A: Tom Haudricourt - I have neither the time or the desire to research such things.
Q: miranda, appleton - tom are you single?
A: Tom Haudricourt - That's really none of your business, but if I was I wouldn't date some loser Brewers fan who reads my chats.
Q: Jack, New Berlin - Tom, I love the Brewers and I love going to Miller Park but the coverage that you and Tony deliver is beyond atrocious. I now get all of my Brewers information from blogs even though I'd prefer it from the JSOnline. Is there any chance of your editors realizing how bad you are and replacing you with better reporters? Or will the JS continue to stick it's head in the sand and act like everything is alright?
A: Tom Haudricourt - I'm glad they let you use the internet at the school for the mentally challenged, retard. Maybe if you knew anything you'd know that I am the best this stupid city will ever have.
Q: brewcrew4eva - Tom I hate Ryan Braun, Rickie Weeks, Mike Cameron, Prince Fielder and Yovanni Gallardo. Is there anyway the team can just clone Corey Hart and Craig Counsell and have them play every position?
A: Tom Haudricourt - No, but there is probably about 100 different ways you can kill yourself. Go try a few.
Q: Jack, New Berlin - Hey Tom me again. How do you think the Brewers will handle Capuano's return from the DL? Julio seems sure to go, but Cap is most valuable as a starter I'd think.
A: Tom Haudricourt - Go f yourself.
Q: Bill, La Crosse - Non Brewers question: Do you think the Cubs will turn it around and start being the team people thought they'd be in the preseason? Also, will the Dodgers still be good without Manny?
A: Tom Haudricourt - I'm paid to cover the Brewers, not the rest of baseball. Please don't waste everyone's time with this. Okay, that about wraps it up. It's not like I'm getting paid by the hour here. See you guys at the ballpark. (Actually, I won't because I'll be in the press box and you'll be in the upper deck.)
Ryan Braun, I'd like to start this intervention by saying that I think you will go down as one of, if not THE, greatest Brewers of all time. Your combination of power, speed, improving everday defense and incredible bat speed make me so happy that you are on my team and not someone elses. Watching you reminds me of what it must have been like for Cardinals fans to watch Pujols, Mariners fans to watch Griffey (first time), Yankees fans to watch Mantle and Cubs fans to watch Henry Rowengartner. You are a very special player and you do some amazing things, but you need to relax.
Here's a small timeline of your weekend:
Friday: You strike out and throw your bat like you are 3 years old.
Later Friday: You hit a home run to win the game and stick your tongue out like Michael Jordan, then make a cocky trek around the bases.
Saturday: For some reason you decide to try a drag bunt and almost get hit in the head with the ball. When you get to first base you won't shut up about it.
Later Saturday: You hit a home run and basically stare down Dempster the entire trot around the bases.
When you add this to the Pittsburgh situation, I think it's about time you chill the hell out Braun. First of all, it is uncool to pout and throw your bat. You're not Jose Hernandez, if you strike out it is not the end of the world. The pitcher just won that round and as you have proven many times that you will win a later round. So relax.
Then, after openly pouting you hit a game winning home run. When you do this, you act like you are Superman. That you are four for four with fifteen home runs and eleventy runs batted in. We won the game, great. I am excited too, but you can't have it both ways. If you are going to celebrate your hits like that, you might try to mature a little bit on your outs. Relax. This is a game in May, not a game in October.
Saturday was probably the worst with your "I'm a soldier" routine (seriously, did you hang with Kellen Winslow at school?). I'm just going to break this thing down for you real quick. Throwing at people in baseball is highly discouraged by the commisioner's office. Throwing at superstars is right up there with HGH, if you do it there will be serious consequences. This isn't the 70s, bud. Not every pitcher on every team is out to get you. Quite the opposite. Yet at the same time when you act like you've been acting: whiny when you're out, cocky when you're not, ready to rumble and run your mouth when a ball gets close to you; guess what? You'll find a few guys who do want to throw at you, not a lot but a few and all it takes is one ball to your head and this whole thing is over. So RELAX. It's a long season stop pissing everyone off in May.