So, apparently Wilco was at the game last night and Jeff Tweedy threw out the first pitch. We know that most of the team are fans, but was this really necessary? I mean, Yovani is only like 23 years old do we really think he is ready for an album like Sky Blue Sky? Either Way doesn't exactly say "get excited, you are going to pitch today and strike a bunch of people out", more like "God, I just want to be done pitching so that I can return within myself and reflect on my life while listening to more Wilco." Plus, it can't do much for Jeff Suppan's confidence seeing as his first girlfriend fell in love with a drummer.
Please guys, let's leave the Wilco for the off season. All I want in the locker room is mindless hip hop and salsa. I don't want you guys listening to a few Wilco albums, playing like shit and drowning your sorrows in beer. I want you drowning your teammate's daughter in it.
So, here we are. Opening Day. 2009. I think it was the 10th of April. It's pretty hard to mess this day up. Sure, there's a game tonight but that doesn't really matter because tomorrow is Opening Day. Our first chance to smell the smells and drink the beers in the world's greatest outdoor party, Miller Park Opening Day. Sometimes I think there is something wrong with me. I don't want to get laid, I don't want to get rich, I don't want to see Bruce Springsteen, I just want to go to Miller Park and have a good time. That's me, that's my journey and tomorrow I am going to get my wish.
We are going all out this year. Tailgate grill, rolling 10 deep, plenty of beer and for the first time in my life I got my tickets for face value (20 game package, what what). I am stocking everyone with cameras and we are going to do our best to make a short film for the site (we'll see how that works out.) I'll be at the game tomorrow and Saturday, so don't expect many updates. Until then here is a few last minute tips:
When listening to music, listen to whatever the hell you like, but do your very best not to include any songs that have lyrics along the lines of "tell me how my dick tastes". I don't want to hear all that.
If you see me and I have run out of beer, give me some beer. Give me some beer even if I do have some actually. It's the least you can do. I'll be in section 127 row 7 seats 1 and 2.
If you are going to taunt someone, make sure you know who they are. For example tomorrow's starter is Rich Harden. Rich Harden is a former Oakland A and is known throughout his career to be injury prone. Suggested taunts: "Mark Ellis said he misses showering with you" and "Try not to hurt yourself" (BURN!)
Pregame if you run out of beer, don't try to go into one of those tents. Those guys are some real beer nazis.
To all you Catholics, I was just talking to God last night and he said if you eat a brat you will still go to Heaven. Unless you're an asshole then you are still going to hell. Or a Cubs fan.
Speaking of Cubs fans, play nice but don't be afraid to tell them to shut the hell up and sit down. The only Geo I want people yelling about is the 92 Geo Metro that is on fire in the parking lot.
Hey, did I mention no Zubaz? Seriously, NO ZUBAZ.
Have fun and we'll be back Monday with tales of debauchery and drunken baseball related fun. Don't be afraid to send your own stories either.
"Luther said I could learn some things from you. I already know how to drink" - The Sting
Of course you know how to drink. I wouldn't doubt it for a second. You've probably never had too much to drink and thrown up. Or said something you shouldn't have. Fell down, been thrown out of a bar, attempted a backflip or chewed your arm off to get away from a girl you woke up next to. You've probably never kissed a dude because you thought it would be funny or split your pants or threw up at a bar ON the bar. You know how to drink, you wouldn't do these things.
Here's the thing, I have. I've done all those things. I have done more stupid things while I was drunk then pretty much everyone you've ever met. I've ruined more relationships, spilled more tequilla on myself, sent more regrettable texts and had more heads shaken at me (oh, you) than my entire readership combined. Is this something I'm proud of? Of course not. I wish I could drink like a normal person and do normal things. I wish I had more than three readers. It's just that when I drink I am fairly certain that I can do a standing backflip and will later have to throw up. These things happen. So while you may think you know how to drink, I'm going to tell you how NOT to drink at Opening Day. It's my pleasure, really.
There are two types of people: those who buy their beer brats from the store and those who make their own. Do yourself a favor and make your own. With Opening Day right around the corner, you need to do it right. Make these the night before and grill them up at the park. It's the only way to do it.
1 dozen brats
Beer, to cover
1 medium large sweet onion
2 ounces (1/2 stick) butter
Place brats in a Dutch oven with onions and butter, cover the brats with beer. Bring to a boil and reduce to simmer until brats are cooked. Remove brats and set aside beer mixture. Grill brats until golden brown and return to beer mixture until ready to serve. Serve brats on fresh baked brat buns with sauerkraut, onions, green peppers, ketchup, and/or mustard.
Why beer brats? Because as we all know, if there is one thing that makes everything better it's beer. Sweet, delicious beer.