28
Apr 14

Minus 11

As of this writing, the Brewers are eleven games over .500, in first place in the NL Central and currently own the best record in the league. Hang on, I need to re-read that sentence three or four times to let it sink in.

Okay, I'm good.

minus11At 18 wins and 7 losses, the Brewers are in a really good place. They are in the driver's seat for the division and have already surpassed pretty much everyone's expectations for them this season. Even if you were someone who thought the Brewers were something like a .500 team (me), you should be excited because .500 ball puts them at 86-87 wins and, at worst, a Wild Card spot.  It's pretty cool. In the past I've been known as an optimist regarding the Brewers season outlook so in theory I should be bouncing off the walls right now, but today I'm going to go a different route. Today, I'd like to be known as the Winston Wolfe of Brewers bloggers. After all, there is still something like 3 days left in the month of April and 167 games left in the season. Let's not start s-ing each other's d's quite yet.

We need to be real. So right now we're going to reveal...

ELEVEN THINGS THAT COULD GO WRONG WITH THE 2014 BREWERS Continue reading →


10
Jan 13

Vote Braun For Video Game Thing

Referenced.

Referenced.

Full disclosure - I'm not exactly a gamer. I tried playing Guitar Hero once before realizing it was nothing like playing a real guitar... which I also suck at playing. The only system I own is Super NES, and the only game I play on it is NBA Jam. And I haven't even played that in over two years.

This isn't to suggest that I'm in any way better than avid gamers out there. In fact, I'm probably much worse of a person than most gamers. Instead of stimulating my mind and honing my hand-eye coordination by funneling my past time into completing missions, willing a team to a division title, and launching pissed off avian creatures into a series of structures, I funnel my free time into shit like: drinking too much and too frequently, watching sports and comedy on TV, tweeting obscure '90s song references to my staggering 334 followers (and shrinking!), promoting my fairly unsuccessful novelty t-shirt business in a myriad of tasteless ways, singing songs I make up in the moment to my girlfriend's cat, eating foods I probably shouldn't, lamenting my lack of physical activity or income, and Internet porn. Video game obsession is cooler than at least four of those things.

Alas, it's too late for me to become a gamer in a world that's expanded beyond 16 bits. But that--mixed with the on-going absence of any worthwhile Brewers offseason news--won't keep me from campaigning for Ryan Braun, the face of Milwaukee (not counting that oddly alluring look of determination on Milverine's face when he's walking downtown) himself, to appear on the cover of PS3's MLB '13 The Show this season. The popular game is currently accepting votes for seven players on its ballot, and is taking votes through Friday night.

HEY YOU GUYS!!!

HEY YOU GUYS!!!

Though I'm personally more invested in getting new Brewer Tom Gorzelanny on the 30th anniversary edition cover of The Goonies, this video game honor would be awesome for Wisconsin sports. That is, it'd be awesome assuming there isn't some sort of weird curse associated with being the cover boy like with the Madden games or when Kirby lost his fortunate in that Ponzi scheme shortly after the release of Kirby's Dreamland 2. Though the Brewers get significantly more attention than the franchise did a decade ago, the (of late) perennially competitive team is often overlooked compared to much of the league. And the visual of Cardinals and Cubs fans having something with Braun's photo ever-present on their coffee tables all season long is too funny to pass up.

However, the vote isn't going Braun's way so far. Of the seven players up for vote, Braun sits a cool (drum roll) SEVENTH!!! Yikes. Sure, Braun's implicit (while withdrawn) connection to a banned substance, his awful shirt line, his polarizing on-field attitude, Milwaukee's small-ish market standing, and the fact that Braun indiscriminately clobbers pitching from all other teams are probably all factors taking votes away from him. But Braun is not even near the least appealing option up for video game immortality. Here are the others (along with current ranking)...

Andrew McCutchen - First Place
'Cutch is the type of player all fans could and should love. He can do it all, and he's quickly becoming a household name. If Braun can't win, I'm glad McCutchen might. Still, he's never led a team to the playoffs and he led no meaningful statistical category last season--two criteria of most cover stars.

Miguel Cabrera - Second Place
Great player. Big titties. He's the total package. Yet voting for some chubby fielding liability who plays for one of Earth's richest sports franchises to be on the cover of a video game is like writing a positive Yelp review of McDonald's.

CC Sabathia - Third Place
I take that back, if Braun can't win, I want CC to grace the game cover. Even with Yankees garb, every time I see Sabathia, I can't help but smile. He makes me think of the Wild Card run in 2008. Plus, even bigger/better moobs than Cabrarea.

Matt Kemp - Fourth Place
Matt Kemp is a wealthy and successful Los Angeles resident who used to bang Rihanna. He doesn't need anything else given to him. I hate the way life works.

Bryce Harper - Fifth Place
Have I mentioned that I hate the way life works? This cartoon character can't even drink legally (not that he would, being that he's Mormon) and he's financially set for life. Unless God actually exists and he opts to smite Harper for using a sinful amount of eyeblack, Bryce will be around the league until 2033, making the game I love a tad more annoying with every year that goes by. I don't need another place to see him right now. Save that for PS4 or impending Playstation/Wii combination system "The DP Station".

Buster Posey - Sixth Place
Sure, why not give Posey ANOTHER thing Braun deserves more? It worked so well with the MVP last year.

You can cast you vote HERE or by sending a tweet with the hashtag #MLB13BRAUN


28
Aug 12

Aramis Ramirez is True Blue Brew Crew

When the Brewers first signed Aramis Ramirez I was like "cool, now most of Prince Fielder's production has been replaced and he is not Casey McGehee." I wasn't like Zack Greinke acquisition excited or even Shaun Marcum trade excited. He was just kind of there. You knew he'd be good, but you knew he wouldn't be really exciting either. Aramis Ramirez is just one of those guys who goes to work, hits for his numbers and then goes home. He doesn't run hard on grounders and he isn't super dramatic. He just does his job and at the end of the year you are almost surprised at how good he was.

Or at least that's how it was supposed to be. What we got instead was a dude who makes you mad that the Brewers aren't playing better because he is absolutely killing it this season. He hit. 374 in July, THREE SEVENTY FOUR. He's going to break the Brewers single season doubles record, that's going to happen. He might hit .300 which would be absolutely amazing considering he hit .214 in May. He's made just enough good plays and has a good fielding percentage at third base that he's being called a good third baseman and will probably get some Gold Glove votes. Really, this is actually happening. He's been good for 4.7 WAR so far this season. Prince Fielder? A mere 3.7 WAR. Prince who? Aramis is third among all ML 3B in wOBA which, again, is amazing when you consider he hit .214 in May. Aramis Ramirez has been a revelation and he is putting up one of the great Brewer hitting seasons of all time. Continue reading →


19
Jun 12

As The Weeks Turns

Rickie Weeks is having a rough season. (Wait, that's not right.)

Rickie Weeks is having a really bad season. (You know what? That doesn't work for me either.)

Rickie Weeks is having the worst f*cking season you could ever f*cking imagine and it really f*cking sucks. (Much better.)

I'm sure it's been very hard for Rickie Weeks because it's not like he's been playing all that differently. A quick glance at his Fangraphs page shows no huge glaring difference (besides his swing percentage, but even that is just a couple points off) and watching the games it doesn't look like he's doing anything different. He just doesn't seem to be getting any hits, ever. It sucks and as a dude who once photoshopped a bunch of Childish Gambino lyrics on pictures of Rickie Weeks it really sucks. I love that dude.

The question of "what to do about Rickie Weeks?" is something that Brewers fans really love to talk about. Some people want him benched or cut or traded or something else just to get him away from the team. It's hard to blame these people because there have been times where it's been easier to look at Snooki's vag pics than it is to watch him play. I get where you're coming from haters, but you are completely wrong on this one because if the Brewers are going to do anything this season it is going to be because of Rickie Weeks. Continue reading →


25
Feb 12

MPD SPECIAL FASHION REPORT: Brewers heels

So this is something that is actually happening in real life right now...

Stephanie: I, as are many of you, am riding high on Braun winning his appeal Thursday and then him absolutely crushing his statement Friday. (Did you guys see his hair? And that navy blue button down jacket thing with all of the pockets? Am I starting to like this new Braun?) But then Vince brought me back down to Earth and by Earth I mean a special Hell on Earth where Milwaukee Brewer themed suede pumps are a thing.

The website reads, “PLEASE BE CERTAIN YOU WANT THESE SHOES BEFORE YOU BUY. Due to demand, these shoes are currently available by Pre-Order ONLY.”

What stupid twats are ordering those fucking things? I love the Brewers with my entire being, but I do not want to wear high heels plastered with blue and yellow to a baseball game (you all know my thoughts on heels at the ballpark by now). Oh and they are suede! SUEDE!! Do you know what beer does to suede?? Well you are gonna find out when you wear them to opening day, dickholes.

I guess, we must now begin to mentally prepare ourselves for the parade of fat chicks we will see waddling into Miller Park wearing these heels with jean skirts this summer.

Vince: These heels are kind of conflicting to me. I mean, not liking the Brewers is like number three on Vince's Oh No-No's List (I learned my lesson on that one (that intro..ugh.)) I need to be with someone who loves this team at least 1/10th as much as I do. A girl wearing these heels would be a good sign that she might be worthy of hanging with vintown. On the other hand, oh my god are you frickin' kidding me? The only people who should own these heels are the kind of people who let their kids dress them before a night out on the town. Pink bra? Sure! White tank top? Sure! Brewers heels? Sure! These girls don't care what they look like, they only care that they are wearing clothes and that those clothes are covering their naughty parts (but not too much, wink wink.)

Actually, you know what, I'm sorry there is one other type of person who would like to own these. Really weird roleplaying sex perverts. If you want your wife/girlfriend to dress up like Ryan Braun on your birthday and play a couple rounds of bat and ball with you, that's your business. Buy these heels and never break up with her because she is ruined for the rest of humanity.

Look, I love the Brewers. LOVE the Brewers and the idea of a down ass bitch wearing her Brewers pride on her sleeve (feet?) is appealing to me, but this is just too far. This isn't Nam. This is fashion. There are rules.

  • BrewBay

    2008 Just Autographs - MILWAUKEE BREWERS Team Set
    2008 Just Autographs - MILWAUKEE BREWERS Team Set
    US $4.25
  • Brewers Tickets

  • E-Mail Miller Park Drunk