03
Dec 12

Epic Meal Time: Brewers Hat Brunch

The 2012 season is long gone, but that doesn't mean that we are completely done with it. We still have a little unfinished business to take care of. Specifically:

As we all know Nyjer Morgan made it all the way through the season as a Brewer, posting an uninspiring .239/.302/.308 slash line in a lame duck season where he was pretty much extraneous to the roster. It was a shock to me that other teams didn't want him, but at the same time I guess it shouldn't have been. While his 16 RBIs may seem compelling for a team in need of outfield help, this is the same guy who pooped in a Gatorade bottle and threw chewing tobacco at the Cardinals.

Still, I was wrong about Nyjer Morgan's future as a Brewer and I have to hone up to it. I made a promise to my fans and I never let down my fans. I'm man enough to stand behind my words and that's why I'm doing this. That's right...

Today I eat my f'n hat.

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01
Nov 12

Brewers Free Agent Fornication Set To Begin

Despite what Tyler Maas said the other day, how awesome is it that the season is over? I AM SO HAPPY! No more dreaming of impossible scenarios that won't happen, no more Brewers bullpen doing Brewers bullpen thing, no more Cardinals, no more Barry Zito, no more MLB Betting, no more Prince Fielder used to be a Brewer and no more stupid teams in the stupid World Series. I'm glad it's all over and I am ready to move on to my favorite time of the year: free agency!

The great thing about free agency is that everyone is interesting. Alex Gonzalez is a slightly above average shortstop in the declining phase of his career, but when they signed him last year it felt like they were getting Cal Ripken Jr. (The young bald shortstop version, not the older bald third base version.) Free agency has a way of filling us with hope and making us believe that whatever dude we just signed is going to be the key to our championship season.*

*= Unless that signing is Eric Gagne, Jeff Suppan, Jason Kendall, Doug Davis or any of the other sucky assholes this team has brought in over the past few years.

With the free agent FrEnZy set to begin I thought we should take a look at who the Brewers may or may not get. This isn't meant to be a predictions post because my name is not Doug Melvin, but is instead a handy guide for any Brewers front office staff who might be reading this to gauge our feelings on any potential signings. Last season was the worst (and then briefly the best, but mostly the absolute worst) and I don't want to go through that again. You have to get this one right. Don't mess this one up, guys. No pressure.

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17
Oct 12

Brewers to Josh Hamilton? MAYBE STUFF

The rumor mill is running wild that the Brewers are about to sign superstar free agent Josh Hamilton*.

*= If they don't sign a starting pitcher and he doesn't re-sign with the Rangers and nobody offers a better offer and he won't sign for a lot of years and the Brewers don't have anything better they can do.

The move would be the Brewers biggest free agent splash since they signed Jeff Suppan in 2007. Suppan, who led the Brewers to the 2008 through 2010 World Series, made $85 million dollars in Milwaukee and has since retired. He currently owns the San Diego Chargers.

The move makes sense for both sides. The Brewers offense needs some serious help after only scoring 776 runs in 2012. A huge letdown from Doug Melvin's 2012 goal of one million. Meanwhile, Josh Hamilton is fresh off choking away his team's playoff chances and desperately needs a change of scenery to avoid being killed by the three or four Rangers fans who weren't just killing time until the Cowboys season started. Sources say that despite both being named Ron, that Ron Roenicke is a way better role model for Hamilton than Ron Washington.

There is some concern that Josh Hamilton's 0 for 4 performance in the AL Wild Card game is a sign that Josh Hamilton is a terrible baseball player, but most scouts think there is only a 50/50 chance of this being true and expect him to get "at least" twice as may hits as that on average. Still, signing John Hamilton will be considered a risk.

Another concern is his age as next season he will turn 35 which will rank him second behind Jamie Moyer as the oldest baseball player of all time. One scout said that this is the "least of his worries" because of alcohol. Continue reading →


15
Oct 12

Rooting for former Brewers in the playoffs

Despite the Brewers season being over, baseball is still being played. There are three baseball teams and one soulless machine sent from hell still remaining. Some of you may be tempted to watch these baseball games and take a rooting interest in the outcomes of those games. I can't discourage this enough. First of all, all the other teams suck and aren't remotely as cool as the team from Milwaukee. Second of all, the Cardinals are just going to win the World Series again and make you hate your life even more for those two weeks you spent rooting for the Tigers. Just forget it. Black it out.

However, if you insist on watch these games then you probably want to know who you should root for. For you gluttons for punishment I present this guide to your former Brewers in the playoffs and where your rooting interests should lie. Good luck and Godspeed. Continue reading →


20
Sep 12

Norichika Aoki needs some help to win Rookie of the Year

I am going to say something right now that a lot of Brewers fans might not be prepared to hear: Norichika Aoki is not going to win the Rookie of the Year award this season. He won't even be close.

Bryce Harper is a lock for the NL Rookie of the Year award. Bryce Harper is hitting .262/.333/.459 and playing center field (well) on a playoff team as a NINETEEN YEAR OLD. That's kind of amazing. When I was 19 I listened to Kid Rock and worked in a warehouse. I spent all my money on DVDs and alcohol. I was a complete loser with no direction and no hope for the future. It was kind of like now, but I didn't have a cool blog and my girlfriend was less attractive and kind of a weirdo. (Take that, life.) There was no way I could have ever been a starting center fielder in the major leagues. Even if I had the talent that I genetically lack, I still wouldn't have been responsible enough to handle what Bryce Harper is doing right now. What I am trying to say is I hate Bryce Harper. He's better at life than me so screw him.

On the other hand Norichika Aoki is 30. He's hitting a slick .293/.362./.438 that actually makes him a better hitter than Bryce, but he plays right field and his defense is worse. There are a lot of arguments to made that Norichika Aoki is a better player than Bryce Harper this season and that is a very good argument to make. Besides the homerun category Aoki is better or close in nearly every statistical category. Continue reading →