12
Aug 10

What’s So Great About the First Inning?

I want you to come to my party. I really do. We have a great menu, there is going to be beer and there are going to be lots of fun and interesting people for you to talk to. One of these people is my good friend Lar from the incomparable wezen-ball. He is going to the party and he wants you to too. He was even nice enough to write this post for us, convincing you to go. He's really smart. You should listen to him.

I don’t know about you, but I’m one of those baseball fans who just has to be in my seat at first pitch. Even when I’m tailgating, if I have any control of when the group gets into the ballpark, I do everything I can to get everyone moving towards the stadium well before first pitch. If that means cooling the charcoal down at 12:30 and throwing the folding chairs in the trunk at 12:45, it’s what I’m going to do. There’s just a simple joy in being comfortably in your seat by the time the Brewers run onto the field. It beats racing up the ramp or impatiently riding the escalator to your seat any day of the week. I’m sure the fact that I like to keep score for all nine innings - and that I never leave a game early, for fear of missing out on the greatest comeback of all time - plays an important part in all that.

But the Pants Party is coming up in two weeks, and with all the excellent food that is being offered and the promise of fascinating, intelligent company - or, at the least, a group of people who like to drink, eat brats, watch Brewers baseball, and complain about Anthony Witrado - that first inning fetish is going to be tested. What happens if I’m on my third chorizo quesadilla with a side of drunken Polish mac’n’cheese and a cup of Riverwest Stein in my hand while chatting and I realize that the game is about to start? Or, even worse, I hear the fireworks going off signalling the start of the bottom of the first? Do I freak out, throw my brat and beer down on the ground and hightail it across the bridge over to Miller Park? Or do I instead try to practice the Midwestern version of zen baseball and just let it slide?

In order to help me ignore choice 1 and instead focus on choice B, I offer this list of why the first inning sucks and why we should all be okay with missing it. After all, if I’m missing that first inning, there’s no way you’re going to be able to tear yourself away from my fascinating conversation and hightail it over there yourself: Continue reading →


29
Sep 09

Miller Park Drunk Grill Walk 2009

Once a website or a person gets a certain amount of success and influence in the world, they tend to want to give back to the community (unless they're a real asshole). You see this all over the place. Actors, musicians, bloggers, all doing stuff for free and the proceeds going to a worthy cause. I think that I've reached the point in my career where it's my turn to give back to the community, but what should I give back to? Cancer? Been done. AIDs? Done. Homelessness? No thanks.

You see when I give back, I want it to be something that really matters to me. Something near and dear to my heart. Something like... tailgating, but how do I give back to tailgating? Well, let's have my dear friend from Wisconsin Sports Tap explain. Continue reading →


05
Jun 09

How to start a fire in a charcoal grill

drunk-guy-passed-outA few weeks ago I went to the Brewers game with some friends from work. One of the girls I work with brought her boyfriend who brought his grill. My original thinking when I saw this was "sweet, now I can just drink and mess around while this dude cooks." However, after about five minutes I realized this dude had no idea what he was doing. It was a mess. Pouring the lighter fluid on the coals without removing the cooking surface, rearranging the coals once it was starting to go, covering the top completely. It was a mess and I just couldn't believe that someone wouldn't know this. It drove me nuts. So I guided him along and when everything was all said and done we all enjoyed some lighter fluid tasting burgers. Hooray.

Here's the thing, I don't want to do this again. It wasn't fun. I don't want to have to show people how to do these things. This is something that people of a certain age should know. I don't know how to clean a fish. It's embarassing, but it's true. It's embarassing because I should know how to do it. Before the next time I go fishing, I'm going to figure it out. I'm going to go on google and figure it out and then when I'm out there doing it wrong and my friend says something to me I can say "oh man, it's been awhile" and play it off. That's what this is for you, dude that doesn't know how to start a grill. Try to remember what you can and when you screw it up and someone says something to you, you can just go "oh man, first tailgate of the year" and everything will be all good.

  • First of all, if you don't know what you are doing buy the self-starting coals. A piece of paper, some matches and you're done.
  • TAKE THE GRILL PART OFF.
  • If you don't get those however, here's how you do it. Build your coals in a pyramid-esque shape, only flat at the top, Like an A without the ^.
  • Pour some lighter fluid if you want, but paper works a lot better. Not notebook paper, but like a paper bag that you get from the grocery store. This will get your coals going. Maybe a little lighter fluid, but don't overdo it. Try and remember that it is GAS and gas tastes like crap.
  • Once it gets going, don't mess with it. Leave it alone. Put the cover on, but only half way. Or leave the vent open on top if it's a windy day. Don't move them around, don't do anything. Just let them burn. Drink a beer.
  • They are ready when they all look ashy grey and they are warm. I feel ridiculous even writing this.
  • Coals last longer than you think they do, you don't need to add more. Here's how you know your coals aren't good anymore: they aren't there anymore. That's how you know you need to add more.
  • Dispose of them properly. Nobody thinks a dumpster fire is funny. It's really just annoying.

So, you got that? You can skip half of those and as long as you remember not to mess with them and take the grill part off, we're fine. Seriously.


20
Apr 09

A word about Brewers fans

drunk-fightBugs and Cranks with a piece about how both Cubs and Brewers fans are douches, but on Opening Day 2009 the Brewers fans were the bigger douches. Normally, I would come to the defense of such an article but at this time I agree completely. Most of the "Brewers fans" I saw on Opening Day weren't Brewers fans at all. They were fans of being drunk and obnoxious more than anything. I can honestly say that there were more Brewers fans to annoy me on Opening Day than Cubs fans. Now, for once in my life there was actually more Brewers fans there than Cubs fans but the point stands. Below are some of the complaints that Cubs fans have issued and my responses to them.

  • Relentless verbal attacks (colorful language) on both young and elderly fans.

Not sure how I feel about this one. I am not the biggest fan of swearing in general, especially around kids, but Cubs fans are THE WORST at this so I don't really care to hear it.

  • Gesturing and taunting of pre-teen female Cubs fans to perform sexual acts.

Come on.

  • Throwing items.

Definitely not a fan of this. If someone's throwing stuff have them thrown out. It's not that difficult, in fact it's kind of fun.

  • Pouring beer on fans/down their shirts.

This is just wrong. Who would waste beer? They cost $6.75!

  • Tampering with vehicles.

Not cool.

  • Dumping charcoal ashes in front of Illinois plated cars.

Not cool.

  • Pieces of broken beer bottles placed under cars and tires.

Seriously, how old are you? That doesn't even work.

  • One fan reported being intentionally cutoff in their vehicle.

Really? Someone from Illinois is going to complain about driving? Really?

Here's the thing, Cubs fans are going to act like douches. There is no denying it, it's just a fact of life. You don't really have to do anything to entice them into douchery, it just comes naturally. Here's a great example, on Saturday my friends and are I were in our seats when in front of us this drunk lady looking like she just stepped off the set of a Larry the Cable Guy movie started screaming at these Cubs fans sitting next to us about how bad these guys sucked. Now, the whole game these Cubs fans were quiet and polite never stepping into the idiocy we tend to associated with Cubs fans. My friend decides to tell this lady to shut up because A) it's annoying and B) she believes that as Brewers fans we shouldn't stoop to doing stuff like that (ie like Cubs fans do). An argument insued and this lady ended up losing rather badly, but basically she came to the defense of these Cubs fans. So what happens? Soriano hits a home run in the ninth and they IMMEDIATELY turn into douchebags. This wasn't like someone turning into a zombie after a bite, this was like the moon rose and they were instantly transformed, like were-douches. Did this cause us to regret it? No, it didn't. The fact still remains is that we don't do stuff like that in Milwaukee because we aren't the dumb ones.

And you know what? Despite all these complaints listed above (and I am sure there are many more) I still saw more Cubs fans thrown out of Miller Park last weekend than Brewers fans. The Cubs fans may outnumber us and at times they may even be louder than us, but we should accept that as long as they don't out-douche us. Forget taking back Miller Park, we need to give back the douche. I'd rather be outnumbered, out yelled, out drunken and everything else than an asshole.

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