18
Dec 13

The MPD Guide to Holiday Parties

Last weekend I went to my girlfriend's work holiday party and it was GREAT, oh my god I had so much FUN and I CAN'T WAIT to go again next year! Holiday parties are the best and I think everyone should just go and spread Christmas cheer.

(looks over shoulder)

Okay, she's not looking anymore.

It was actually lammmmee. Nobody really embarrassed themselves, nobody threw up and nobody hooked up in a coat closet. Was it amateur hour or something? Nobody seemed like they wanted to win the party (ie be the most drunk) or become famous in the office for the rest of the year. It's almost like they needed some help, some guidance, something to show them how to make the most out of their Christmas party, They needed...

The MPD Guide to Holiday Parties

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Continue reading →


12
Jan 10

Gender roles in modern society (the one where we talk about banging a Brewer)

I have a question for the male readers of the site. Have you ever been pondering the offseason moves of the Brewers and thought to yourself "I am glad they re-signed Craig Counsell, he's kinda hot"? I mean, everyone has had that conversation with a friend that starts like "I know you're not gay, but..." and you immediately yell out "DONNIE FROM NEW KIDS!", right? And then after having that conversation you continue on to "Okay I know you are totally straight and stuff, but which Brewers player would you have sex with if you had to?" No? You've never had that conversation with one of your buddies? Not even once? Really? Well, I guess I'll just have to tell you about it then because Tyler and I have had that conversation many, many times and we'd like to share one with you. Why? Because we are so totally okay with our sexuality that we don't care who reads it! We don't care if the guys we are writing about making sweet love to us read it, we want them to! So, like, forward this to them. Please.

Vince: Hey Tyler, I've got a question for you that's been bothering me for awhile and I want your opinion on it. If you had to have sex with a member of the Milwaukee Brewers, who would it be? Continue reading →


23
Dec 09

Ten Christmas Gifts NOT to buy a Brewers fan

santaTomorrow is Christmas Eve and most of you are probably already checked out for the holiday, but just in case you are like me and completely irresponsible, waiting til Christmas Eve to buy anyone anything than I have a list for you. I can't tell you what anyone wants (probably something involving their cellphone), but I can tell you what they DON'T want. So here's 10 Christmas gifts you shouldn't get for that Brewers fan in your life, don't worry there is still time to return it! Continue reading →


22
Dec 09

YOU ARE A SELLOUT MIKE RIVERA AND I HATE YOU

MIKE RIVERA SELLOUTSometimes I wonder why I even watch this god awful sport. The World Series champion New York Yankees, the richest team in any sport that have a value almost 5x that of the Milwaukee Brewers, have stolen another one from the poor, stupid teams like us. Mike Rivera has signed with the New York Yankees and I think we all know what this one was about. These stupid baseball players, all they care about is money! You know it's not enough to offer a major league job and a nice city to play in, these greedy a-holes want more. MONEY, MONEY, MONEY! Why do I even bother to follow this team? Why do I even write this stupid blog? I mean, it's not like the players care! Nooooooo, they just go to whoever offers them the most money. Mike Rivera doesn't care if I get diagnosed with a life threatening disease and the only thing that can cure me is him re-signing with the Brewers, all he cares about is padding his wallet! NEW YORK NEW YORK! THE CITY THAT NEVER F'N SLEEPS! WHERE MONEY RAINS FROM THE SKY AND YOU CAN TAKE YOUR DRIVER'S TEST IN 400 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES! Man, screw New York. Seriously, New York you can f right off.

It's just sad, you know, that a small market team like the Brewers can't compete dollar for dollar with a team like the Yankees. Kids grow up rooting for their heroes, but as soon as their heroes become free agents they leave the kids behind. (It's just like my parents divorce really.) Whatever. CONGRATULATIONS MIKE RIVERA I hope you are happy to know that you have ruined my Christmas with your evil, greedy ways. The Mike Rivera jersey I got from Santa is now kindling in my fire! Thanks for nothing, JERK!

EDIT: It appears that Mike Rivera was actually non-tendered by the Brewers who didn't want him back and he signed a minor league deal with the Yankees. So, sorry about that Mike. I take it back.


18
Dec 09

F Christmas, it’s my frickin’ birthday!

Monday is my birthday, that's right I am one of the very lucky people to be born during the week of Christmas. I know, it's crazy right!? I didn't even know it was possible for people to be born around Christmas! (I've only had people make that observation about 15,000 times in my life and believe me it never gets old. How unlucky could I be!) I have spent the majority of my life having my birthday overlooked. My friends could never come to my birthday party because of "holiday commitments" or I would always get the dreaded birthday-slash-Christmas present which, honestly, makes you feel like a second class human being. You see these other people are worth two separate gifts, one for their birthday and one for Christmas, but you? You, you little bastard, are only worth one gift combined! Honestly, you have no idea how much we love your brothers more than you! You couldn't even imagine how much we don't love you, but trust us it's A LOT! We're getting divorced and it's all your fault! Y0u think I'm kidding? I can only remember one Christmas in my lifetime that I got separate birthday and Christmas gifts. For my birthday, Super Mario World for Super Nintendo! For Christmas? A Super Nintendo! That's right, I had to wait FOUR DAYS to play with my birthday gift. Thanks a lot, mom and dad.

Lest you think I am bitter, I have figured out how to move past this and start loving my birthday again. No, I didn't convert to Buddhism. (Those people don't celebrate shit.) I just figured out how to make it work and here's how I did it. Call it:

Drinking Heavily Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love My Birthday Continue reading →

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