17
Apr 09

Just so we’re all clear, this is not me

My love for Rickie Weeks is well documented here on this site and I even made an update after Opening Day that I was wearing my Rickie Weeks jersey with pride. That being said, this person is not me. I am not the kind of guy who rubs his crotch and then shakes hands with Cubs fans. You could get some serious germs from shaking hands with those guys.

Other signs it's not me:

  • Mixed old and new logo!
  • I don't own a pair of jeans.
  • Come on, seriously.

[TotalProSports]


12
Apr 09

A quick word about tonight’s game

I just got home from tonight's game (I actually went to all three this weekend) and had one quick thought about tonight's game. I don't want to talk about Soup or my boyfriend Rickie, I just want to say one thing.

If Milton Bradley doesn't get hurt, Prince Fielder hits a grand slam and we have a completely different baseball game. Reed Johnson won this game for the Cubs, hands down. Why didn't Piniella move Fukudome to RF and have Reed play CF, a preferable defensive alignment, when he came in? Dumb luck. Not only was it dumb luck, it's a perfect example of Reed Johnson making Piniella look like a genius (instead of the three pitchers in one inning, two days in a row at the beginning of April guy he is).

The score says 8-5 and it counts as a loss, but watching the game and seeing the things that happened give me no reason to worry.

Except for Suppan, what is up with him?


09
Apr 09

Your final Guide

brewers beer bongSo, here we are. Opening Day. 2009. I think it was the 10th of April. It's pretty hard to mess this day up. Sure, there's a game tonight but that doesn't really matter because tomorrow is Opening Day. Our first chance to smell the smells and drink the beers in the world's greatest outdoor party, Miller Park Opening Day. Sometimes I think there is something wrong with me. I don't want to get laid, I don't want to get rich, I don't want to see Bruce Springsteen, I just want to go to Miller Park and have a good time. That's me, that's my journey and tomorrow I am going to get my wish.

We are going all out this year. Tailgate grill, rolling 10 deep, plenty of beer and for the first time in my life I got my tickets for face value (20 game package, what what). I am stocking everyone with cameras and we are going to do our best to make a short film for the site (we'll see how that works out.) I'll be at the game tomorrow and Saturday, so don't expect many updates. Until then here is a few last minute tips:

  • When listening to music, listen to whatever the hell you like, but do your very best not to include any songs that have lyrics along the lines of "tell me how my dick tastes". I don't want to hear all that.
  • No Zubaz.
  • If you see me and I have run out of beer, give me some beer. Give me some beer even if I do have some actually. It's the least you can do. I'll be in section 127 row 7 seats 1 and 2.
  • If you are going to taunt someone, make sure you know who they are. For example tomorrow's starter is Rich Harden. Rich Harden is a former Oakland A and is known throughout his career to be injury prone. Suggested taunts: "Mark Ellis said he misses showering with you" and "Try not to hurt yourself" (BURN!)
  • Pregame if you run out of beer, don't try to go into one of those tents. Those guys are some real beer nazis.
  • No Zubaz.
  • To all you Catholics, I was just talking to God last night and he said if you eat a brat you will still go to Heaven. Unless you're an asshole then you are still going to hell. Or a Cubs fan.
  • Speaking of Cubs fans, play nice but don't be afraid to tell them to shut the hell up and sit down. The only Geo I want people yelling about is the 92 Geo Metro that is on fire in the parking lot.
  • No gloves.

Hey, did I mention no Zubaz? Seriously, NO ZUBAZ.

Have fun and we'll be back Monday with tales of debauchery and drunken baseball related fun. Don't be afraid to send your own stories either.


09
Apr 09

Guide to Opening Day: To Bong or Not to Bong?

Miller Park Drunk Guide To Opening Day

To Bong or Not to Bong?: A guide to getting drunk

"Luther said I could learn some things from you. I already know how to drink" - The Sting

Of course you know how to drink. I wouldn't doubt it for a second. You've probably never had too much to drink and thrown up. Or said something you shouldn't have. Fell down, been thrown out of a bar, attempted a backflip or chewed your arm off to get away from a girl you woke up next to. You've probably never kissed a dude because you thought it would be funny or split your pants or threw up at a bar ON the bar. You know how to drink, you wouldn't do these things.

Here's the thing, I have. I've done all those things. I have done more stupid things while I was drunk then pretty much everyone you've ever met. I've ruined more relationships, spilled more tequilla on myself, sent more regrettable texts and had more heads shaken at me (oh, you) than my entire readership combined. Is this something I'm proud of? Of course not. I wish I could drink like a normal person and do normal things. I wish I had more than three readers. It's just that when I drink I am fairly certain that I can do a standing backflip and will later have to throw up. These things happen. So while you may think you know how to drink, I'm going to tell you how NOT to drink at Opening Day. It's my pleasure, really.

Continue reading →


24
Mar 09

Let’s talk about Cubs man

simmons280The best thing for everyone involved would be for the Cubs to win a World Series so we don't have to hear about it anymore. Would the fans still be annoying? Of course, but they wouldn't be as annoying (we hope) and it'd be nice not to feel sorry for them everytime we see those "Central Divison champs" t-shirts year after year. Based on the predictions of pretty much everybody, they look to repeat this year by winning the Central and probably having the best record in the National League, again. Then, if history is any indicator they won't do anything in the playoffs. Again. We've been here before. This will happen again. It's kind of like The Matrix really.

Here's the thing though, the Cubs are fragile. Like really fragile. If a few things go wrong for them this season the Brewers (or someone else) could take this division. Nobody is talking about it, but the facts are there. There are serious red flags with this team. Continue reading →

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