21
Aug 12

Take Me Out To The Cubs Game: A Short Story

He grew up a Cubs fan just like his dad did. As a kid his dad would sit him down in front of the TV, turn on WGN and the two of them would spend a summer day with Harry Caray. It was a ritual as a kid, but then he got older and friends and girls and other things got in the way. He grew up and he didn't watch as much Cubs baseball with his dad as he used to. He didn't watch any at all really. Now that he's older he doesn't consider himself much of a baseball fan, more of a football guy. He probably couldn't even tell you who won the World Series last year, but he did like the Cubs. He loved the idea of it more than anything else. "Did you know that a guy lived his whole life without ever seeing the Cubs in the World Series? I hope that's not me." He'd say and he meant it too. The Cubs were his team. Forever and always.

He had a son of his own now and he figured he'd be a Cubs fan just like him. Harry Caray wasn't around and half the games weren't even on WGN anymore, but it didn't matter to him. He was a Cubs fan and his son would be too. He didn't realize that things were different now. His son couldn't relive his youth just like he couldn't suddenly become his father. His son didn't want to watch a baseball game on TV, not when there are X-Boxes and Nintendo DSes and interwebs to be played. His son didn't want to play catch with a baseball, he wanted to play a game of baseball... on his 360. Despite his best efforts he could not get his son to care about the Cubs of Chicago. The world had changed, his son didn't live in his world anymore and the man didn't realize it. Like Jack after he got off the island he wanted to go back.

A game. That's would fix things. If only his young son could see the Cubs live and in person he could finally see how great it is to live in the world as a Cubs fan. Cubs fans are like a big happy family, he thought. After a game he would see this and his son could join the family. Then they'd be closer, then they'd have something to share. Something just for them. He looked at tickets online, but Wrigley Field was just too expensive even with the Cubs not playing well. Between the drive into the city and the parking and the food and everything else he knew there was no way he could justify it to his wife. Plus, she'd probably want to come with which was out of the question to him. This was a father and son thing and she couldn't come. (Besides he could use a break.) He couldn't figure out how to afford the trip. The trip that would make his son love his team as much as he did. The trip that would make him and his son feel more like him and his father. And then it came to him. The answer was right in front of him all along: Wrigley North.

Miller Park was not only closer, easier to get to and more comfortable, it was also cheaper. He could hop on the expressway from the North Suburbs and be there in no time. He could be back before midnight and not spend nearly as much as he would downtown. It was perfect and it's not like there wouldn't be plenty of Cubs fans in attendance. They don't call it Wrigley North for nothing. He bought the tickets and August 20th they would go.

The ride up was more of the same for their relationship. The son played his video games while the dad drove. He tried to talk, but the son was too into his video game. Just like always, but the actual baseball game? That was different. His son was into it. His son stood and cheered, he laughed and he was in awe of every homerun. "I did it," he thought "I made my son a Cubs fan." He'd never felt prouder as a father.

The Brewers entered the bottom of the fifth and with the Cubs leading 3-1 it occurred to the man that his son's first Cubs game would be a win. This excited him to no end and he couldn't hold it in. He asked his son if he thought the Cubs were going to pull this thing off to which his son replied "yeah, maybe." He liked that. He liked that his son didn't count his chickens before they hatched. After all, there was a lot of baseball left to be played.

The bottom of the fifth got rolling and the Cubs remembered they were the Cubs. The Brewers went off on them for eight runs and any hope of a Cubs win probably went with them. When Jonathan Lucroy hit his second homerun the dad felt bad. He remembered how he felt as a kid when his dad took him to a game and he saw the Cubs get destroyed. That was so long ago, but the wounds still felt fresh. He wanted to make his son feel better at this moment so he turned to console him. Only his son didn't need any consoling. He was on his feet, cheering and high fiving strangers. His son was as happy as he'd ever seen him. His son was a Brewers fan.

The father felt betrayed. How did this happen? How could this happen? Where did I go wrong? He couldn't grasp why his son wouldn't want to be apart of the same family that he was a member of. It didn't add up. So he asked him. The boys answer did not surprise him because he had heard it before many times throughout his life. He did not, however, ever expect to hear the words from his son. These words were never supposed to be said by his own flesh and blood. His son's words were simple yet biting. Short yet pointed. There were only three of them, but the father felt every single one of them deep in his heart.

It's been said that children make you want to live your life over. That the world through their eyes is so much better than the world through your own. This is not something the man thought about that day, but it is something he probably should have because his son's words were the truth. A truth he should have learned a long time ago. A truth his father should have told him. The truth, as the boy said, is this:

"The Cubs suck."


30
Sep 11

Tips for making a Brewers playoff baby

I have this friend named John. He is a HUGE Brewers fan and so is his dad. In fact, his dad is such a big Brewers fan that John most likely wouldn't exist if it wasn't for the Brewers 1982 World Series run. You see his parents had sex after one of the games and she got pregnant and later John was born. This kind of thing happens all the time. By my estimation I wouldn't exist if it wasn't for alcohol the series premiere of The Greatest American Hero. (You should see the way my mom cries when she hears "Believe It Or Not".) With the Brewers set to make another run toward the World Series love is definitely in the air. Our "sex in a stadium bathroom" post has been getting record hits over the last week, Bonnie Brewer outfits are completely sold out from the fetish shop I go to and even Al's Ramblings is talking to girls now. The playoffs are here, love is all around us and it is only natural that babies are going to be made as a result.

Of course, having a baby is a big decision that should not be entered into lightly and you should use caution and make bla bla bla because it's something that will affect you for the bla bla bla of your bla bla bla. Who cares!? Really. The Brewers are going to the World Series! You're going to be together with whoever you are with now forever! And you'll name your baby Rickie Prince Ryan Park Drunk Gallardo (your last name)! Everything is going to work out fine! BREWERS!!!!!

Look, you people who are going to do this you know who you are. If you're going to do this then just do it. I make mistakes that will change the rest of my life forever all the time, but if you're going to do this you need to do it right. You can't just rush into this thing, you need a gameplan. You need me to show you the way to make a Brewers playoff baby the right way. In fact, let's do that right now. Continue reading →


20
Jun 10

Happy Fathers Day to you and me and everyone we know

Casey McGehee is a dad.

During the fifth inning of a Milwaukee Brewers game last week Casey McGehee used "C is for Cookie" by the Cookie Monster from Sesame Street as his at-bat music. Nobody seems to know why this is, but one could imagine. For one, it's kind of funny. He laughed. For another, his three year old son Mack was probably at the game and that is the kind of thing that would make a three year old really happy. Playing baseball is hard and takes a ton of work, but making sure his son is happy is something that comes natural to a dad like Casey McGehee.

Mack was born with cerebal palsy and brain damage, a premy that never quite fully recovered from it. I'll never forget the game I went to last summer where Mack threw out the first pitch. It was a pretty emotional moment and a drunk Miller Park Drunk in section 127 may have got some dust in his eye thinking about it at the time. That same drunk person found it completely unbelievable that on a day when his son threw out the first pitch that Casey McGehee would be sitting on the bench. It just didn't make sense, fire Ken Macha! Until the sixth inning when Casey hit a pinch-hit go-ahead homerun. Mack was still in the ballpark and got to hear the 39,890 people in attendance cheer their hearts out for his dad. That made sense. Continue reading →


25
Jan 10

Orlando Park To Be Named Later Drunk

The Brewers are moving to Orlando and I don't know about you guys, but I'm going with them. Think about it. Disney World! Universal Studios! Epcot Center! The Brewers! Throw in Wesley Snipes from Demolition Man a cute girl from my class and it's like my grade school wet dream. I am going to miss all of you, but I think myself and the team will be much happier there. Nice weather, good team, good location. How could this possibly go wrong?

FLASH FORWARD OPENING DAY 2012 Continue reading →


18
Dec 09

F Christmas, it’s my frickin’ birthday!

Monday is my birthday, that's right I am one of the very lucky people to be born during the week of Christmas. I know, it's crazy right!? I didn't even know it was possible for people to be born around Christmas! (I've only had people make that observation about 15,000 times in my life and believe me it never gets old. How unlucky could I be!) I have spent the majority of my life having my birthday overlooked. My friends could never come to my birthday party because of "holiday commitments" or I would always get the dreaded birthday-slash-Christmas present which, honestly, makes you feel like a second class human being. You see these other people are worth two separate gifts, one for their birthday and one for Christmas, but you? You, you little bastard, are only worth one gift combined! Honestly, you have no idea how much we love your brothers more than you! You couldn't even imagine how much we don't love you, but trust us it's A LOT! We're getting divorced and it's all your fault! Y0u think I'm kidding? I can only remember one Christmas in my lifetime that I got separate birthday and Christmas gifts. For my birthday, Super Mario World for Super Nintendo! For Christmas? A Super Nintendo! That's right, I had to wait FOUR DAYS to play with my birthday gift. Thanks a lot, mom and dad.

Lest you think I am bitter, I have figured out how to move past this and start loving my birthday again. No, I didn't convert to Buddhism. (Those people don't celebrate shit.) I just figured out how to make it work and here's how I did it. Call it:

Drinking Heavily Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love My Birthday Continue reading →

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