30
Jul 12

facebook doesn’t suck. people do.

A couple months ago I was talking to this 16 year old kid. He was kind of a shy kid who you could tell spent a lot of time playing video games and surfing around the internet. (read:virgin) He was kind of awkward and you could tell he wasn't really good at socializing with people. Being the amazing person that I am I decided to engage him and try to get him to come out of his shell. We talked for a few minutes and when he said that he spent a lot of his time on the internet I asked him what his favorite website was. His answer? Facebook.

Really? I mean, really? How could facebook possibly be someone's favorite website? Facebook is without a doubt the most annoying website on the entire internet. It is a website that you spend the most time on (mostly looking for pictures of girls you like in bathing suits), but that you get the least amount of value you from. Facebook isn't a fun website to visit, but it has somehow become a part of our daily routine and doesn't seem to be going anywhere. (And don't say "I don't go on facebook anymore." You sound like one of those guys that proudly announce they "don't own a TV." You're basically announcing to the world that you think you are better than them and need them to know about it. Good for you. You'll never know how freaking awesome Parks & Rec is or how absolutely lame your friends are. I hope you choke on your Kashi cereal.)

Here is the thing though: facebook is not the problem. Yes, it's a flawed website and they are always adding dumb stuff that people don't really want, but it's still the absolute best at what it does. Twitter is great, but I can't go on twitter and stalk my ex-girlfriend and make myself feel better because I think her new boyfriend is less attractive than me. I can't make fun of my friend who lives in Canada for his bachelor party pictures if he doesn't post them one by one (which would take forever and people would find annoying because you are "flooding their timeline." btw, bite me twitter police.) Don't even get me started on Google Plus which could have stolen everybody if they just did "facebook how it used to be," but instead decided on this weird circle things where you can't easily share things on someone else's wall. (WHAT!?) Like it or not facebook is the only game in town.

I remember when I first got myspace and it was so much fun. I had music playing when you went to my page. (In retrospect this is super lolz.) I think it was "Can I Get Get Get" by Junior Senior or maybe that "Way I Are" song. (Shut up. Chicks digged it.) We would post pics from nights out and then comment all the funny stuff we did on the pics. I could have long, drawn out conversations with my friends in the email while they were at work where we talked about super important things. My son's mother could print out things I wrote on there in an attempt to use them against me in court. Oh, wait that last one kind of sucked. Forget I said that. The point is that it was fun for a minute and then we all went to facebook and it was better and ever cooler for a minute too. We posted our pics, we wrote funny statuses, we became friends on there with new people that we were friends with and it was fun. As someone who always thinks people are out there having fun without me it was perfect. This was like hanging out with the people I like all the time. It's what social media was invented for and why social media is not going away. We all want to hang out all the time.

But then it all went wrong. How did it all go wrong? Well, in my opinion there are two things that went wrong and they are:

  1. Everyone in the world got facebook which caused everyone else's butthole to clench up.
  2. Pretty much everyone is dumb.

We'll cover the second one first because I like to do things backwards.

In the "glory days" of facebook you would have EVERYONE updating their statuses on a near daily basis. Some people were dumb. Chill bros like Tyler and I would post funny stuff. I remember one time I did a status/ten comment thing where I re-wrote the chorus to "I Gotta Feeling" that I thought was absolutely hilarious.

In the comments one person did not get the joke. The other thought it was funny. Zero likes. Re-reading it now it's not as funny as I remember (although I do love the "I don't want hot dogs, not again" line and the next verse about making out with a guy is awesome), but my heart was in the right (hilarious) place. People should have enjoyed it more.

So here I am trying to entertain my friends by writing funny things on my wall while you have these dummies on there posting "LIKE THIS IF YOU THINK CHILD MOLESTATION IS BAD" and getting like 500 likes and 200 comments. Yeah dude screw child molestation! It gets old fast. You start to slip away and wonder what the point of posting funny stuff is if nobody gets it. I still do it, but jut not as much as I used to. The dumb people are taking over and it scares away the smart people. Shouldn't that really be the other way around?

The biggest knock against facebook is probably that it should really be called "Babies & Marriage-book" or as I like to call it "Babies, Marriage & I just ran a marathon let me tell you about it-book" There are so many people that I didn't even realize I was still friends with that use facebook just to announce that their boyfriend proposed to them. Then they get the two thousand comments that all say the same "so happy for you girl" crap. I mean, yeah, good for you and all that. Does he still wear your shoes to bed? Because that was kinda weird, but still good for you. Worse is when you don't see them on the website again until they actually do get married and then they post pictures and videos everyday for the next three years until the inevitable baby and then post pics of that kid every day until the end of time. Wheee.

Honestly, I can't knock these people too much because that's who they become. They used to be these young fun people, but then they get married and have married friends and those friends have kids so they have kids too and that's all their lives revolve around. Now all the sudden they are old and lame and you are left wondering what happened. It's not their fault that there isn't a setting on facebook for "I used to be cool, but I'm not anymore so please unfriend." Life would normally take care of that for us, but with facebook we're stuck with them unless we take the time to click a few buttons and that takes way too long so they can just annoy us forever.

The random users are annoying too. The idea of "I haven't posted on this site in months, but I have to now because I'm engaged/I'm on vacation and need to check in to let you know/I'm in or out of a relationship/I ran a marathon and need validation" are frustrating, but not the worst. That's because the worst are the over updaters. You know the ones. The people who use facebook too much or worse use it too much because facebook is actually their personal therapist. You read the status "SO UPSET RIGHT NOW" and then fourteen people come in and comment asking them "what's wrong?" which plays perfectly to the poster's narcissism. These people are the same ones who update their relationship after every big fight, let you know when they are sick or hungover, post inspirational quotes because they really need to hear it today, react to every tragedy like their opinion matters, delete stuff that gets them a negative reaction, ask you to click like because a like will somehow stop kids from being murdered of AIDs and everything else that annoys the crap out of me. Seriously, nobody gives a shit if you are having lunch at Subway. People eat lunch at Subway everyday. It's not news. I don't care that you had a Veggie Delight. It would delight me more if you shut the hell up about it.

The only way we're ever going to take our social media back and have it be fun is to unfollow these people, but that unfortunately is harder than it would seem. Why? Because these annoying people are our family members, our bosses and our friend or relative's boyfriends and girlfriends. They are annoying because we are stuck with them. Which brings us back to the first problem: nobody wants to use facebook anymore because it is impossible to say anything cool without fear of being prosecuted by our families or our bosses.

Let me tell you a story. A couple weeks ago we had this thing called the Pants Party. It was awesome. Of course afterwards there were quite a few pictures of me posted on facebook and none of them were very flattering. Which is completely fine with me because I don't like having a filter. Much like Popeye I am who I am. Anyways, let's say that this is one of the photos that was posted on the site:

To me that's a funny pic and a good representation of what you missed if you weren't there. If I saw that pic of one of my friends and knew that this was a party I could have been at I would be pissed, but maybe that's just me. Anyways when I got home the next day my mom asked me if I had my facebook profile public to which I told her no. Her reply? "Oh good. I saw those pictures from your party. Maybe we shouldn't be facebook friends."

I had other friends who saw the same pic and the next time I saw them in person they made fun of me for it. Why did they have to wait? Couldn't they have just done it in the comments? Isn't that the point of the comments? Not anymore. Not when your boss not only sees your wall, but what you comment on. Not when your girlfriend doesn't want her mom to think less of you. This is life now and this is the problem with facebook. This is why it will never really be good again.

Everyone is afraid of someone seeing what they do. Which is to say that everyone is afraid of being themselves for fear of someone judging them for it. I don't care that my mom saw that, but I am not like a lot of people. My parents read this blog they know how dumb I am.

If the point of social media is to hang out with your friends when you are not hanging out with your friends than this point has been completely ruined by facebook and being forced to be friends with your co-workers you don't like, bosses who suck, idiots you knew ten years ago and family members who don't understand you. It's sad because everyone should have videos like this one out there on their facebook wall for all their friends to see. What's the point of doing something like this if you can't share it with the people you like?

This weird video of me dancing at Wrestlemania is what it should be all about. Doing fun things, sharing them with your friends who aren't there and having a good time with it. Instead it's just this dumping ground for pictures of your kids and where you're eating right now. It's kind of sad really.

People ruin everything.


03
Oct 11

The Brewers are awesome. Let’s have a contest.

All around the world Brewers fans are waking up on a Monday feeling good. Feeling confident, cocky and cool because the Brewers are the only team in the 2011 playoffs to hold a 2-0 lead over their opponent. The only team with the potential to sweep. Just writing that makes me want to say stupid things like "HOT DOG!" I don't know about you, but I am feeling GREAT this morning. This is so fun. Didn't I tell you? Didn't I?

Winning is something that puts me in a giving mood (not the baby making kind of giving mood though) and I feel like it's about time we had a contest. We haven't had one in a long time.

Here's what we're going to be giving away.

  • (1) EA Sports game of your choice on the system of your choice from Origin.com
  • (1) t-shirt of your choice from Forward Fabrics.
  • MYSTERY PRIZE that I will find in the garage and mail to you..

Not bad, right?

Now here's what you have to do to win:

We will select our favorites and then put them up to a vote. Submission deadline is Thursday.

SUBMISSIONS NOW CLOSED! THANK YOU!

NINE!


08
Dec 10

So, who should we embarrass now?

Two days ago we did a post about the Milwaukee Brewers trade of Brett Lawrie for Shaun Marcum and within the post we posted some pictures from Brett Lawrie's facebook that made him look like a douchebag. Since then the post has blown up, yesterday alone saw over 20k hits and we nearly tripled our ad revenue over last month, the site has seen such massive amounts of traffic that the server took the site down for almost two hours last night. The post was mentioned on 620 WTMJ, ESPN radio in Milwaukee by Tom Haudricourt and Trenni Kusnierek, something called Girls of Philly (NSFW), numerous forums, twitter, facebook and even got it's own post at Deadspin. (Deadspin!) It was, by far, the most successful post we've ever done and since that post was so successful we obviously need to find another player to facebook stalk.

When we started doing the blog we didn't expect it to be much. We thought it'd be small, like a Brewers centric Deadspin, getting just a couple hundred hits a week and that sounded good to me. Just a nice little outlet for my Brewers thoughts. Then things got a little bit bigger than we expected and people were telling me that this was one of their favorite blogs so we thought "let's do the Deadspin thing, but mix it with a bit of Milwaukee's Bill Simmons" and we went with that. (It was perfect because we didn't need to update as much. *rimshot* -Ed.) As things went on we threw in little bits of all our favorite blogs; The Dugout, Kissing Suzy Kolber, Warming Glow and I think it's been pretty successful. People still say this is their favorite blog. We threw a party at Miller Park for over 50 people and almost broke even on it. We're almost at 1000 facebook fans. I think it's safe to say that this site's success has exceeded our expectations more than we ever imagined and we couldn't be happier about it.

And then this Brett Lawrie post happened and it threw all of that out of the window. Forget about the Pants Parties, the funny guides to St. Patrick's Day or hangovers (or Thanksgiving), the Bob Uecker tribute, the emotional Father's Day post, the Dugout-esque tribute to John Hughes, the sexual innuendos or even the time I blamed Ryan Braun for ruining my sex life; because that post with the facebook pics more than any of the other posts that I worked on was our biggest hit of all time. Why? Because people love pictures of athletes doing stupid things. I am not condemning this, heck I love it too. I read Terez Owens everyday, I loved watching Dong-gate unfold and even sent my dad a link to it when the story first broke which is kind of weird when I think about it. This stuff cracks me up, but it's only a momentary thing. It's a split second of my day. I much prefer to read Barry Petchesky give Cleveland the business than anything he's ever written about Jenn Sterger, I wish everything I read had ten or more Huey Lewis jokes like this Dugout post and my favorite Will Leitch posts were always about Rick Ankiel. That's my thing, stuff I can quote to my friends (and pass off as my own) or stuff that is just plain fun to read because the person writing it cares about it. Anyone can post a few embarassing pictures of an athlete. Anyone.

I guess what my point is that yesterday's Brett Lawrie post brought us more hits than we've ever had in the past and we don't blame the people that came here to see that for doing it. We do it too, but we hope that isn't the sort of thing that you expect from us because it's not who we are or what we want to be. We want to be better than that even if it means I have to keep living in my parent's basement. If you're reading this we hope it's because you like what we do. We want to make you laugh and care and think, but mostly we just want you to like us. We're shallow like that.

Now, let's find us a Brewer we can embarrass. Continue reading →


16
Aug 10

the brewers blog: A movie based on Miller Park Drunk

The idea of a movie being made of something that you came up with is a dream for just about everyone I've ever known. The Social Network based on facebook comes out in October and I think it's going to be a really big hit. It won't be long til Myspace, Youtube, ebay and twitter all have their own dramatic retelling of their origins. After that when the well has run dry on the "name" sites, movie studios will look to smaller sites for movie ideas and that's where we come in.

Is a dramatic retelling of the origins of Miller Park Drunk a pipe dream? Maybe, but there is a trailer for it on the internet and if people watch it anything is possible.


03
Feb 10

Why We Don’t Write: Seth McClung

A lot of people ask me why we don't update the site as regularly as we used to. Sometimes there will be a post for every day of the week and other times a whole week will go by with nothing. Are we tired of doing the site? Are you too busy? Are we lazy? The truth is that we (why do I always do that? Everyone knows it's only me, but I still call it we all the time. Stupid deadspin.), I don't like to write stuff unless *I* think that it's good. Unless I was the reader and I would enjoy reading it. Sometimes this means that we go a week or more without anything and sometimes that last thing that went up wasn't that good. It's just the way it is. Luckily, I have the luxury to do that because I own my own site and I do this mainly as a hobby. Other people are not so lucky and have to post, whether they feel inclined or not. Luckily for them, they can just post the news and don't really need to be "creative" in their writing. We don't do the news, therefore we can get away with posting sporadically. That's a good rule, I think. People who do the news, should do the news and do it often. People who do the more creative stuff, should do creative stuff and take their time. The problem becomes when the news people try to do the creative stuff because most of the time it doesn't turn out well. Like David Caruso trying to act in movies or Corey Hart trying to pull out.

Take for instance this "poem" by KLSnow of Brew Crew Ball. Now, I like KL Snow. I'm his friend on facebook (not that I've ever commented on anything he posts (I don't really know and/or care about macaroni and cheese recipes or his wiener dog, but that's nothing personal against him. Just the way it is.) and since our inception he has given us a lot of link love (almost 9500 to date), but that poem is bad. Really bad. An EPIC FAIL as the kids would say. Let's read it again, FJM style: Continue reading →

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