Well, it happened again. Someone had sex in the bathroom (with another person) of a Major League park that wasn't me. I mean, what the hell man? It's not like I haven't tried. Okay, maybe I haven't really tried at all but still. For the amount of games I go to you would think that the opportunity would have arisen by now. It's like catching a foul ball right?
Luckily, unlike catching a foul ball there is something I can do about it. No, I'm not talking about roofies. I would never share those. I'm talking about taking matters into my own hands. I'm talking about emailing every known bathroom sex having person and asking them how they did it. I'm talking about soliciting the advice of experts. So unlike my guides for sneaking in booze, getting over a hangover or killing a homeless man in the parking lot and disposing of his body before game time (whoops haven't written that one yet), this is a guide of something that I haven't actually done yet. This is a guide to guide me too. It's an interactive experience here at Miller Park Drunk.
Since much of our fanbase is made up of women we will be providing guides for both men and women. Up first, the ladies.
Outside of my man-crush Mike Cameron hitting two home runs and my buddy Jeff snagging a Prince foul ball that nearly broke his hand, I don't really have much to say about yesterday's game. It was not that good of a game and there were WAY too many Cubs fans. (I guess stubhub having Loge Infield for $9, Bleachers for $1 and Terrace Reserved for $0.50 is too much for some Brewers fans.)
Whatever, I don't want to talk about it. I want to talk about beer, man. I love beer. It's so good and cold and makes you feel funny. It makes girls prettier and people think I'm funnier when I drink it. It makes $70 purchases at the team shop seem okay. I'm convinced that Ken Macha is drinking beer most of the time because I think using Corey Patterson in any situation would seem like a good idea if you were drinking beer. Beer is so cool.
The thing is I go to enough games that I know the best way to drink beer. The best places to get it and everything else. Here's a little guide about it.
In case you missed the Brewers game yesterday (and I am guessing you probably did), Alcides Escobar made probably the best play I have seen all year. I described it on twitter as "alcides with a play jj is incapable of dreaming about" and later Al's Ramblings said basically the same thing (I would link to the post but Al has a terrible CMS that won't allow it). If you didn't see it or just want to watch it again, here it is.
Whenever you see a play like that you are awestruck and filled with questions. How did he do that? What was going through his mind on the play? Well, luckily for you I have the upgraded version of MLB.tv which includes a new feature called mind reading which I have transcribed for your enjoyment. Continue reading »
Remember last year when everyone on facebook was doing that "25 Things" list and then tagging you and trying to get you to do it? Yeah, I never did that. Big League Stew did a baseball related one earlier this year, but we weren't well enough known to be asked (yeah, that's why I'm sure of it). Well, in the interest of always trying different things and lack of any great ideas for our 200th POST we decided to participate. Here's what we came up with.
I don't own a single bobblehead and I never have. If I did get one I am pretty sure I would sell it. Unless it was the Jeff Suppan bobblehead because that has no value.
Before the season I told my friends that I would meet my next girlfriend at Miller Park. Thus far this has not happened. (I blame Ryan Braun.)
When I was a kid I went to a Brewers game and got a foul ball via some Happy Youngster-esque means (batting practice+glove+ball out of reach=glove/belt combo) then later got it signed by two players: Fernando Vina and Derek Jeter. I may have been too old to have that glove, but I know that now and knowing is half the battle. The ball is still around here somewhere.
I have an unhealthy man crush on Ichiro Suzuki and can often be seen in a Mariners hat. This does not change the way I feel about the Brewers.
My main influences for Miller Park Drunk are Bill Simmons (like everyone who writes about sports on the internet), Deadspin, Kissing Suzy Kolber and The Dugout, but I would never be here if it wasn't for Scotsmanality (this probably best describes it, this is where Scotsman is now). He always did what you didn't expect him to do and that's something I always try to remember. He did, however, tell me not to start this blog so it's not like he's a genius or anything.
I HATE the Yankees more than any team in any sport. When my son was born a friend of his mother purchased a baby Yankees jersey for him and I told her that it would "never, ever touch his skin as long as I was alive with the possible exception of being used as a baby wipe." This didn't go over well and led to an enormous fight that I am likely still feeling the effect of, but was the absolute truth and to my knowledge has never happened.
Honestly? I never considered myself a "true" Brewers fan until around the time Mark A took over the team. I always supported them, but at the same time I was smart enough to know that the Seligs had no clue how to run a team and never would. History has proven me correct in this thinking.
I have never taken a college course in writing. Does this one surprise you? It's not like we're doing mind blowing work here, but I like to think we're a step above a lot of the blogs out there.
As a kid my favorite player was Albert Belle. Yes, that Albert Belle. I have no explanation for this at all.
My favorite Brewer (that's not currently on the team)? I like to say Paul Molitor, but I remember him more for his work as a Blue Jay. The real answer is probably Dave Nilsson.
One of my life long goals is to throw a decent knuckleball. I should probably stop biting my nails if I ever want this to happen.
I play Baseball Mogul almost every day and have for the past two years despite the fact that the game hates Milwaukee. Seriously, every single game I play as the Brewers has us losing money and last in ticket sales. Drives me insane. (Don't even get me started on their Braun ratings.)
I rarely tailgate and usually hit the Fridays before the game. I try to keep my tailgating to times I am with a lot of people and we have the time to get there 2-3 hours before the game (I hate missing first pitch). If you are going with one or two people it's kind of pointless to break out the grill and the bags. Fridays has Spotted Cow, but keep me away from the Long Islands. That doesn't usually end well.
I am now a published writer featured on Decider. You can find our story in the Milwaukee Decider or the Madison Decider depending on your location. Can you believe someone actually paid me to make jokes about douchebags?
And since that article decided to use my real name, here's my favorite picture of me at Miller Park. Doing the Lion King with my son at Friday's Front Row.
Alright, that's only 15 but I think that's enough and now you know. Thanks for supporting us for the first 200, here's to the next 200. Check out our article in the Decider. We'll be back later to talk about the newest Brewer and more.