16
Apr 09

I <3 Mike Cameron

Mike CameronA good friend of mine hates Mike Cameron. I mean, HATES. He's one of these people that thinks strikeouts somehow count for more outs than any other out. I am not one of these people. I love people who are above average defensively, hit home runs and steal bases. I don't care if they strikeout as long as when they make contact it counts. Maybe this is from years of playing fantasy baseball, maybe it's because I like a little pain with my pleasure. Either way, I love Mike Cameron. After Rickie Weeks he's my favorite player on the team (I have issues.) Obviously I LOVED yesterday's game where he went 3-3 with 3 RBIs, two HRs, 3 Runs and a walk. (Of course, I don't really understand why he couldn't do this at the four games I went to (you'd think he'd want to impress his biggest fan), but I digress.) Mike Cameron playing like this at the beginning of the season where he has struggled throughout his career is something to get excited about. I can't believe the team ever seriously considered trading him for Melky Cabrera. Sure, it was a pure salary dump but do you realize that Cabrera is just a backup now (and before Nady got hurt the 2nd backup)? Mike Cameron is one of the top 5 Center fielders in the National League. That'd be like trading Alex P. Keaton for Skippy. Skippy isn't taking you to the playoffs. Or the homecoming dance. I don't know about you, but I want the Wolf.

Think about this in tailgating terms. You've got the whole set up. You start with the most important thing which is the beer (Ryan Braun), then you have the bags (Prince Fielder), the food (JJ Hardy and Corey Hart), your friends (Yovani, Weeks, Hall) and the close proximity to the port-o-potty (the bullpen, whoever I forgot). You are all set up for a good day at the park. You can have a good time with just these things, right? Of course, but isn't your day a lot better if someone brought chairs (Mike Cameron)? That's what Mike Cameron brings to the table. You don't necessarily need him, but you are a lot better off with him and at the end of the day a lot happier too.


14
Apr 09

No wonder we lost

So, apparently Wilco was at the game last night and Jeff Tweedy threw out the first pitch. We know that most of the team are fans, but was this really necessary? I mean, Yovani is only like 23 years old do we really think he is ready for an album like Sky Blue Sky? Either Way doesn't exactly say "get excited, you are going to pitch today and strike a bunch of people out", more like "God, I just want to be done pitching so that I can return within myself and reflect on my life while listening to more Wilco." Plus, it can't do much for Jeff Suppan's confidence seeing as his first girlfriend fell in love with a drummer.

Please guys, let's leave the Wilco for the off season. All I want in the locker room is mindless hip hop and salsa. I don't want you guys listening to a few Wilco albums, playing like shit and drowning your sorrows in beer. I want you drowning your teammate's daughter in it.


13
Apr 09

A picture worth a thousand words

Remember that whole rant we did against jerseys with your own name on them? Remember how we also complained about people wearing Packers gear to games? If you haven't read those posts, this about sums it up.

Dumb Brewers fan in a Favre Brewers jersey

Thanks to my friend Emily for forcing me to take a picture of this and the guy in the picture for thinking that I was taking it because I thought he was cool. Whoops, sorry guy. If you're reading this I just want you to know that it's not, you're not and I hope you spill mustard on it. I wouldn't pee in your ear if your brains were on fire.


09
Apr 09

Your final Guide

brewers beer bongSo, here we are. Opening Day. 2009. I think it was the 10th of April. It's pretty hard to mess this day up. Sure, there's a game tonight but that doesn't really matter because tomorrow is Opening Day. Our first chance to smell the smells and drink the beers in the world's greatest outdoor party, Miller Park Opening Day. Sometimes I think there is something wrong with me. I don't want to get laid, I don't want to get rich, I don't want to see Bruce Springsteen, I just want to go to Miller Park and have a good time. That's me, that's my journey and tomorrow I am going to get my wish.

We are going all out this year. Tailgate grill, rolling 10 deep, plenty of beer and for the first time in my life I got my tickets for face value (20 game package, what what). I am stocking everyone with cameras and we are going to do our best to make a short film for the site (we'll see how that works out.) I'll be at the game tomorrow and Saturday, so don't expect many updates. Until then here is a few last minute tips:

  • When listening to music, listen to whatever the hell you like, but do your very best not to include any songs that have lyrics along the lines of "tell me how my dick tastes". I don't want to hear all that.
  • No Zubaz.
  • If you see me and I have run out of beer, give me some beer. Give me some beer even if I do have some actually. It's the least you can do. I'll be in section 127 row 7 seats 1 and 2.
  • If you are going to taunt someone, make sure you know who they are. For example tomorrow's starter is Rich Harden. Rich Harden is a former Oakland A and is known throughout his career to be injury prone. Suggested taunts: "Mark Ellis said he misses showering with you" and "Try not to hurt yourself" (BURN!)
  • Pregame if you run out of beer, don't try to go into one of those tents. Those guys are some real beer nazis.
  • No Zubaz.
  • To all you Catholics, I was just talking to God last night and he said if you eat a brat you will still go to Heaven. Unless you're an asshole then you are still going to hell. Or a Cubs fan.
  • Speaking of Cubs fans, play nice but don't be afraid to tell them to shut the hell up and sit down. The only Geo I want people yelling about is the 92 Geo Metro that is on fire in the parking lot.
  • No gloves.

Hey, did I mention no Zubaz? Seriously, NO ZUBAZ.

Have fun and we'll be back Monday with tales of debauchery and drunken baseball related fun. Don't be afraid to send your own stories either.


09
Apr 09

Guide to Opening Day: To Bong or Not to Bong?

Miller Park Drunk Guide To Opening Day

To Bong or Not to Bong?: A guide to getting drunk

"Luther said I could learn some things from you. I already know how to drink" - The Sting

Of course you know how to drink. I wouldn't doubt it for a second. You've probably never had too much to drink and thrown up. Or said something you shouldn't have. Fell down, been thrown out of a bar, attempted a backflip or chewed your arm off to get away from a girl you woke up next to. You've probably never kissed a dude because you thought it would be funny or split your pants or threw up at a bar ON the bar. You know how to drink, you wouldn't do these things.

Here's the thing, I have. I've done all those things. I have done more stupid things while I was drunk then pretty much everyone you've ever met. I've ruined more relationships, spilled more tequilla on myself, sent more regrettable texts and had more heads shaken at me (oh, you) than my entire readership combined. Is this something I'm proud of? Of course not. I wish I could drink like a normal person and do normal things. I wish I had more than three readers. It's just that when I drink I am fairly certain that I can do a standing backflip and will later have to throw up. These things happen. So while you may think you know how to drink, I'm going to tell you how NOT to drink at Opening Day. It's my pleasure, really.

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