VINCE:Hey Steph, what is the deal with all these dudes taking their shirts off in the parking lot at Miller Park? I think I saw more bad tattoos than Brewers logos at the game we went to a couple of weeks ago. Is this in any way acceptable? I say no, but maybe that's just because I don't have any sweet tats brah. I mean, I'm not going to pretend that I've never stripped my shirt off to do the Macarena, but there is a specific time and place where that kind of thing is appropriate. Like a bar mitzvah. You have to read your surroundings when you are doing that stuff and a parking lot filled with people is not that time or that place.In my mind there are maybe six people who can pull off the "casually hanging out in public without a shirt on" look and those people are Matthew McConaughey, D'Angelo, Channing Tatum, Ryan Gosling, David Beckham and John C. Reilly. Oh, and Joel McHale. I'm pretty gay for Joel McHale. (hi joel ) Pretty sure none of those dudes are tailgating at Miller Park this season so everyone else needs to shirt up, period. I don't care how hot it is. This isn't the beach. You aren't playing with sand toys. Nobody wants to see your back tattoo that reads "PLEASE FORGIVE ME" or watch you drip a glob of mustard off of your brat and into your taco meat. Please keep your shirt on.
Now am I just a hater because I am more Louis CK than Donald Glover with my shirt off? Or am I right about this one? Please tell me I'm right.
STEPH: Now I understand that I am the (sometimes) proud owner of a vagina but I don't really love seeing dudes without their shirts, it makes me feel uncomfortable. I find myself staring at their nipples and then checking out their abs or lack thereof. 9 out of 10 times, the men that are shirtless at Miller Park are essentially some form of this lad.
I understand that manning a grill while drinking booze in the sun can get a fella a little heated but, Jesus Christ, keep the shirts on. There is no way that tailgating without a shirt is acceptable, how can going sans shirt be that much more refreshing than wearing, say, a cotton t-shirt? The bottom line is that guys are douche bags. Douche bags like to be shirtless. Shirtless dudes end up on Cops. So, in conclusion if you are at Miller Park without a shirt on you will end up on Cops.
VINCE: I'm glad we settled this. I think we should rank taking your shirt off in the parking lot slightly behind "jerseys with your name on it" and "Brewers heels", but above "mixing old and new logos" and "being Front Row Amy" in the Official Miller Park Fashion Rules.
A few thoughts before we go.
1. Is that a cell phone or a pocket knife on his belt? If it's a pocket knife this dude might be a secret genius because, really, those Miller Lite punch top cans are way too hard to punch. And this is coming from a guy who has a lot of extra wrist strength if you know what I mean.
2. There is no way in hell that guy doesn't listen to "Red Solo Cup" four or five times a day. No way. (By the way, "Red Solo Cup" is such an awful song that I am planning on having blue or green Solo cups at the Pants Party just to avoid the off chance that someone gets that song stuck in my head.)
3. Seriously though, your boyfriend looks really cute in this picture.
STEPH: He does, doesn't he? Way better than this shirtless dickface.