Guide to hangovers

Beer July 31st, 2009

hangoverYesterday we didn't write anything for the site. Why? We went to the game on Wednesday. I started to go through my archives and realized that for every Wednesday game I have gone to this season Thursday has suffered. I don't think that I need to spell it out for you why this happens. It's just the way it is. You can't start pre-gaming at 5 in the afternoon, watch a three hour baseball game and then stay out until bar time without some effects. For us it's not doing a whole lot of writing on Thursdays. I'll take it. The thing is this goes on a lot. It's not just a clever name. We've been down this road many, many times before. So why not give a little bit back? Why not share our vast knowledge? Why not create...(wait for it)..

Miller Park Drunk's Guide To Hangovers

Read the rest of this entry »

Who is Dave Kerwin? Miller Park Drunk investigates

Baseball July 21st, 2009

kendallCurious story out of Pittsburgh yesterday. When Jason Kendall was interviewed post game he called Pirates pitching coach Joe Kerrigan by a different name.

"It was fine until Dave Kerwin," Kendall said, referring to Kerrigan. Kendall continued to call Kerrigan by that incorrect name -- seemingly on purpose -- even after being promptly corrected.

"I can take a lot, but I'm not going to get yelled at," he continued. "Dave Kerwin started yelling at me...."

When asked what he thought made Kerrigan so mad, Kendall responded: "I don't know. Dave Kerwin? I have no idea."

Now, it's clear to me that he is talking about Joe Kerrigan but in an attempt to undermine him is calling him by a different name. People do this all the time. Sometimes when I am mad at my friend Emily I call her "Smemily". If I am upset with my friend Jeff I call him "Jeffrey". Whenever my ex makes me mad I call her something that rhymes with "pilthy chucking door". This makes sense. What doesn't make sense is the name Jason Kendall chose. Read the rest of this entry »

Felipe Lopez joins the Brewers

Baseball July 20th, 2009

Doug Melvin Gentlemen, I'd like to introduce you to the newest member of the Milwaukee Brewers, Felipe Lopez!
felipelopez Hey guys, what's up? I'm happy to be here.
casey mcgehee HO-LA!
felipelopez Uhhh, hi. Casey McGehee, right? I think you're a great ball player.
casey mcgehee HABLA INGLESIAS?! Read the rest of this entry »

How Parra Got His Groove Back

Baseball July 10th, 2009

Manny Parra

Parra: Man, Nashville sucks. I wish I was back in Milwaukee.

/goes to Grand Ole Opry

Parra: I mean, it's not like I WANT to pitch bad. I don't know how those batters get to the bases. I throw and they don't swing, what am I supposed to do? Why won't Doug Melvin understand?

/goes to Country Music Hall of Fame

Parra: I wonder who won the sausage race today. I bet it was the Polish, he's due.

/runs out of things to do in Nashville

Parra: God, what am I doing? I'm so lost. Maybe I should join twitter. Then people will notice me. Then I can get back to Milwaukee. That will be my thing, the baseball player who tweets during his starts. That's the ticket.

/joins twitters, nobody follows him

Parra: Crap. I should just sit in this clubhouse until I get called up.

/puts hands in face, slowly starts to weep

Voice: Hello.

Parra: Oh, hi. Ummmm, I just had something in my eye. It's really dusty down here. Hey, aren't you...

billy ray cyrus

Billy Ray Cyrus: Billy Ray Cyrus? Well, yes I am.

Parra: Well, I was going to say Hannah Montana's dad Robbie Stewart but if you want me to call you that, that's cool. What are you doing here?

Billy Ray Cyrus: The owner said he'd give me thirty bucks and a free hot dog with mustard on it if I came and sang the national anthem before tonight's game.

Parra: Woah sweet deal.

/high five

Billy Ray Cyrus: Hey partner, I can't help but notice that someone seems to have broken your achy-breaky heart. Is there something I can help you with?

Parra: I don't know Billy Ray. I'm a pitcher and my general manager said I throw too many "balls" and not enough "strikes", but I told him that if I didn't throw balls how would I pitch? I can't just hold the ball you know?

Billy Ray Cyrus: I'm sorry to hear that Manny, but I've got some good news for you. In addition to being a successful country singer, actor and media personality I am also an excellent pitcher. I think I can help you.

Parra: How?

Billy Ray Cyrus: Like this.

/Billy Ray Cyrus throws a perfect strike

Parra: Woah, how did you do that? That was amazing.

Billy Ray Cyrus: You see there's this thing called the strike zone.

Parra: The what?

Billy Ray Cyrus: The strike zone. The strike zone is a conceptual three dimensional right angle pentagonal prism over home plate which defines the boundaries through which a pitch must pass in order to count as a strike when the batter does not swing.

Parra: WOAH. Why didn't anyone tell me about this? Where is it? Is it really hard to find like the g-spot? Is it hidden in lines and lines of code like the Matrix? Will I need to travel to Narnia?

Billy Ray Cyrus: No, it's right there in front of you. The top of the strike zone is a horizontal line at the midpoint between the top of the batter's shoulders and the top of the uniform pants. The bottom of the strike zone is a line at the hollow beneath the kneecap. The right and left boundaries of the strike zone correspond to the edges of home plate. A pitch that touches the outer boundary of the zone is as much a strike as a pitch that is thrown right down the center. A pitch at which the batter does not swing and which does not pass through the strike zone is called a ball. Unofficially, the de facto enforced strike zone may be different at any different level.

Parra: Hang on a second, you're pulling my leg aren't you? Is this how you get your kicks Billy Ray?

Billy Ray Cyrus: Hand to God Manny, it's the truth. Billy Ray gets his kicks banging extras on the set of Hannah Montana when Miley has no clue. There was this one time on Best of Both Worlds with these Vietnamese twins and a tennis racket that I --

Parra: Billy!

Billy Ray Cyrus: Sorry. Okay, about the strike zone. It works like this.

Billy Ray Cyrus shows Manny Parra a series of graphs and illustrations defining the strike zone. This process goes on for many hours and Manny has a hard time with the concept until Billy Ray shows him this picture.

strikezone

Parra: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I get it.

Doug Melvin strikes down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger

Baseball July 7th, 2009

Ryan Braun I know [Melvin] is trying to make our ballclub better. I know he recognizes the importance of making a move and making it soon. But at the same time, I think everybody's recognized there's a lot of teams that are still in th--
Doug Melvin /shoots Chorizo
chorizo /dies
Doug Melvin Oh, I'm sorry. Did I break your concentration? I didn't mean to do that, eh. Please, continue. You were sayin' something about how you think I should do my job eh?
Ryan Braun [silence]
Doug Melvin What's the matter? Oh, y-you were finished eh? Oh, well allow me to retort!

What does Bernie Brewer look like?

Ryan Braun What?
Doug Melvin /flips over bench

What country you from?

Ryan Braun What?
Doug Melvin "What" ain't no country I ever heard of, eh! And I would know aboot a country called "What", eh. They speak English in "What"?!
Ryan Braun What?
Doug Melvin ENGLISH RYAN BRAUN DO YOU SPEAK IT EH?
Ryan Braun YES
Doug Melvin Then you know what I'm saying? Describe what Bernie Brewer LOOKS like, eh!
Ryan Braun What?
Doug Melvin /points mustache at Braun

Say what again. I dare you, I double dare you motherf@%&r say what one more goddamn time, eh!

Ryan Braun He-he-he's white.
Doug Melvin Go on, eh.
Ryan Braun He has a big yellow mustache.
Doug Melvin Does he bring joy to children?
Ryan Braun What!?
Doug Melvin /slaps Braun with mustache

DOES HE BRING JOY TO KIDS, EH!?

Ryan Braun YES!!
Doug Melvin Then why you trying to f@%& that up? Why you trying to demoralize the people in the organization at a time when we should be pulling together. It puts a bad taste in our mouths.
Ryan Braun I didn't!
Doug Melvin Yes you did. Yes. You. Did, Ryan. You tried to demoralize people in the organization and Bernie Brewer don't like to be f'd by anybody except Mrs. Brewer.

Do you read the Journal Sentinel Ryan?

Ryan Braun Yes.
Doug Melvin God, why? The Bible is so much better. There's this passage I've got memorized, sorta fits the occassion.
Ryan Braun Ezekiel 25:17?
Doug Melvin No, that's not even a real passage, eh. It's Deuteronomy 21:18-21.
Doug Melvin "Suppose a man has a stubborn, rebellious son who will not obey his father or mother, even though they discipline him. In such cases, the father and mother must take the son before the leaders of the town. They must declare: 'This son of ours is stubborn and rebellious and refuses to obey. He is a worthless drunkard.' Then all the men of the town must stone him to death." Eh.
Ryan Braun /ponders

That's kind of insane.

I think I know what I have to do.

Ryan Braun enters the locker room carrying a large box.

Ryan Braun /throws Remetee shirts in the air

Free shirts for everybody! Even you Mike Burns and Seth McClung!

Doug Melvin Sigh, eh.

/walks the Earth like Caine

Years later.

Doug Melvin /dies of autoerotic fatality
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