08
Jul 10

Goodbye Corey Hart

I don't give a crap what happens in today's Milwaukee Brewers game. I really, really don't. After last night's 15-1 loss that saw me:

  1. Drink warm beer on the drive up.
  2. Sweat more than I ever have in my entire life during the first two innings. Seriously, with the roof and panels closed Miller Park turns into the world's largest sauna.
  3. Get flaked out on by a date (shut up, female commenters).
  4. Not even enjoy a Rickie Weeks homerun.
  5. Leave early. (!)

It wasn't the best day for me and after all of that, I don't really feel like watching or caring today. The playoff chances that me and like two other people were holding onto are now gone. The Milwaukee Brewers will not make the playoffs. The Milwaukee Brewers will be lucky to finish around .500. This isn't that bad of a thing. [I don't actually believe this one bit. It is the frickin' worst thing. - Editor] I guess we should have seen this coming after Trevor Hoffman blew all those saves and we had that one losing streak, right? We dug a big, early hole that was going to be near impossible to dig our way out of. We weren't able to do the impossible and now we will not make the playoffs. It happens, we'll try again next year (which I am totally pumped for by the way). This season is over.

This doesn't mean that I am going to quit this site or even write less. Hell, I'll probably write more now that this weight of contention is off of my shoulders. This worrying about the outcomes of every single game. I can just enjoy the games and the Miller Park experience. I can go into a few games during the third inning and not feel like I am missing anything. As a matter of fact, I think I will do that for all future Chris Narveson starts. I really wanted this season to work out, but it didn't. I can deal with this.

Now I'll be right back to talk about Corey Hart. I just need a minute to process. I'm just going to watch this music video a few times and reflect on my entire life.

It pours. Man, it pours.

/wipes eyes

Okay, aaannnnndddd I'm good. I'm back. I never wanted them to do good this season anyways. [Again, a total lie. I wanted them to do good so bad. -Editor]

At some point during yesterday's loss I realized that this may be one of the last times I see Corey Hart in person as a member of the Milwaukee Brewers. I've gotten a lot of mileage out of Corey Hart jokes on this site and I've complained about him quite a bit in the past too. What can I say? It was the cool thing to do. Still, I am really going to miss the guy and not just for the jokes. [This is sort of a lie. I will really miss the jokes. -Editor] The truth is that I've always liked Corey Hart, but he's just always seemed to let me down. I wanted him to be good, like he is now, for so long that he just ended up letting me down so many times that I lashed out. Its like when my son tells me he doesn't want to watch Wall-E. I mean, Why wouldn't you want to watch Wall-E? It's a tale of true robot love and a little robot could that shows more emotion than your stupid Veggietales could ever dream of and you don't want to watch it? What the hell is wrong with you, little kid? Its stupid and irrational for me to get this upset about it, but that's how I've always thought. Why can't you be better, Corey? And then, of course, it happened and I was too stupid to realize it. Continue reading →


20
May 10

The Matrix is a system designed to keep Ryan Braun off third base

Last night the Brewers fell to the power of the pierogies and lost to the Pittsburgh Pirates. They had their chances, a few leads went by the wayside and in the ninth inning they had Braun on first with nobody out and Prince Fielder at the plate. What happened? Well, Prince Fielder struck out on a high fastball that everyone in the world saw coming except for him and Braun got caught trying to take third on a steal after Andy Laroche did some sort of "Matrix stuff". And that, as they say, was the ballgame. But what exactly happened out there? Continue reading →


29
Apr 10

I never want to hear Hell’s Bells again

Last night I watched the Milwaukee Bucks come back from a double digit deficit in the fourth quarter to steal game 5 in Atlanta, breaking a 14 game home winning streak for the Hawks and setting the Bucks up to close the series out Friday in Milwaukee. Despite them being down I never stopped believing that they could win and they proved me right.

Yesterday during the day I had the same feeling except it was the exact opposite. Sitting in my seat at Miller Park with the Brewers leading our hated rival Pirates 4-3 in the bottom of the eighth I prayed for runs. I'm not a religious man, I once told someone that I was sick of Jesus c-blocking me all the time, but I still got down on my knees and prayed for a four run lead. Why? I didn't want to hear Hell's Bells. I didn't want Trevor Hoffman to come in for the save. I wanted Suppan or Vargas, anyone but Trevor.

In 2009 "Hell's Bells" was the best time you could have at a Brewers game. In 2010 it sends people heading for the exits with their heads down. It makes an optimistic fan like myself break a cheese fries helmet and try to slit his wrist. Except it's not really fear. I wasn't afraid that Trevor Hoffman would blow the save, I knew Trevor Hoffman would blow the save. Not only did I know that he would blow the save I knew how he would do it too, I knew he'd give up a homerun. Probably to the first batter of the inning. What happened? Well, he gave up a homerun to the first batter and blew the save. Of course he did and it was at that moment that I realized I never want to hear "Hell's Bells" again in my life and that I think I hate Trevor Hoffman. Continue reading →


05
Mar 10

Milwaukee Brewers tattoos

Sometimes I get the weird desire to google something and then just see what happens. Sometimes it's sexual in nature like "cat peeing on boobs" and sometimes it's to actually learn something like "what the hell is a milliarcsecond". Other times, times like today I decide to search something that I may be able to use on the site. Today I googled: "brewers tattoo". Here's what I found:

(via)

For the Brewers fan who likes the Brewers, but also likes smoking a ton of pot. Continue reading →


12
Jan 10

Gender roles in modern society (the one where we talk about banging a Brewer)

I have a question for the male readers of the site. Have you ever been pondering the offseason moves of the Brewers and thought to yourself "I am glad they re-signed Craig Counsell, he's kinda hot"? I mean, everyone has had that conversation with a friend that starts like "I know you're not gay, but..." and you immediately yell out "DONNIE FROM NEW KIDS!", right? And then after having that conversation you continue on to "Okay I know you are totally straight and stuff, but which Brewers player would you have sex with if you had to?" No? You've never had that conversation with one of your buddies? Not even once? Really? Well, I guess I'll just have to tell you about it then because Tyler and I have had that conversation many, many times and we'd like to share one with you. Why? Because we are so totally okay with our sexuality that we don't care who reads it! We don't care if the guys we are writing about making sweet love to us read it, we want them to! So, like, forward this to them. Please.

Vince: Hey Tyler, I've got a question for you that's been bothering me for awhile and I want your opinion on it. If you had to have sex with a member of the Milwaukee Brewers, who would it be? Continue reading →

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