08
Oct 09

Sue this post

ryanhowardRemember that one time the Happy Youngster tried to extrort Chris Coghlan for the ball and I called him a douchebag? Well, somehow a 12-year old girl in Florida has made herself look much worse than HY could ever dream of. The story goes:

A 12 year-old girl caught Ryan Howard's 200th home run ball back in July. Afterwards, she was escorted to the Phillies clubhouse and exchanged it for an autographed ball.  This being America, she sued (or, I should say, her parents sued) in order to get the ball back.  Two days after the suit was filed, the Phillies gave her the ball back.

Actually I take that back, the 12-year old girl didn't do shit. It's her douchebag mother that has made the Happy Youngster look like an okay guy. You see 12-year old's are stupid. I wouldn't trust a 12-year old to walk my dog. You know when you hear about pedophiles going after young girls? They always skip 12-year olds because 12-year olds are too stupid to even get molested properly. If you went up to her and offered to trade her a $5 footlong for the ball she would have done it. She's 12, she's an idiot so I don't blame her. I blame her dumbass mother. Continue reading →


16
Sep 09

Why do you guys hate me (us) so much?

My summer home in Lake Geneva

My summer home in Lake Geneva

I have been a Cubs fan all my life ever since the day my mom dropped me off at my dad's and he sat me down in front of the TV when I was two years old and told me to stop crying and watch the Cubbies. I watched Harry Caray that day and I thought "I wish this guy was my dad." (KIDDING POPS!) I was hooked from the start. Since then I have attended numerous Cubs games both at Wrigley and in Milwaukee. Yet every time I have gone to Milwaukee and every time I have written for this website, I have been hated. WHY?

I don't get it. I have been going to Wisconsin my whole life. We have a summer home in Lake Geneva. We spend money at your restaurants. We pay your parking tickets. We go to your ballpark and we sell the place out. Then we stay in your crappy hotels (can a brother get a Drake Hotel?) and eat at your crappy restaurants (oooh fried cod, how original). Yet when we show up at the game we get shit on. What did we ever do to you? Besides, you know, be better than you at baseball. Continue reading →


14
Sep 09

Meet the new boss, much cooler than the old boss

neweditor

WAZZUP BITCHEZZ????

Welcome to the NEW and IMPROVED Miller Park Drunk. I'm Chad and I am the new boss (and yes that is me bombin' two Old Styles at once,WHAT). Your prolly thinking "why is this dude in a Cubs jersey who can drink two Old Styles at a time and is obviously a pimp buying a site called Miller Park Drunk? Well, if there is one thing I have learned in my life it's that you don't have to like the Brewers to get drunk at Miller Park! Heck, you don't even have to like baseball! In the history of Miller Park the best drunks have ALWAYS come from Chi-town.

look at me i'm the old editor, i'm a stupid faget

"look at me i'm the old editor, i'm stupid"

For real though, I been reading this website for awhile and thought it was pretty frickin' funny. I just knew that I could make it better. How? By making it about the Cubs, DUH!!!! So I took some money out of my trust fund and gave that idiot who was running it an offer he couldn't refuse (fifty bucks, a 12 pack of Milwaukee's Best and the issue of Playboy with Sable from WWF.) You Wisconsin folk are so simple.

Things are gonna be a bit different around here now. First order of business is to make up for all the dumb stuff this idiot said before. Like who doesn't like a good retro jersey? My prized possession is my autographed Sosa jersey. I'm not supposed to wear that just because he's not on the team anymore? BITE ME MILLER PARK DRUNK! Did Paul Moliter ever hit 60 homers in a season? Didn't think so! How about Robin Yount? No? I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

Anyways that's enough for the day I gotta head down to the Cubby Bear for a little pregame before the Cubs WHOOP some Brewers ASS tonight. That's right, Ryan Braun does my taxes. I'll be the dude in the autographed Sosa jersey sipping on Old Style. If you see me come say whats up and maybe I'll give you a little tug off my flask. Jack Daniels? YOU DAMN RIGHT JACK DANIELS.

Tomorrow we should have some more awesome, way better than before stuff including a VERY SPECIAL GUEST WRITER who I think kicks total ass and more stuff that kicks ass. Have fun watching the game tonight, I know I will.

PREDICTION: Cubs 17 Brewers 1. Theriot hits for the cycle.


10
Sep 09

Calling for the head of Ken Macha

ken machaI am not a person who blames a manager for the success of a team. The job of a manager isn't that hard and in the grand scheme of things he doesn't really have a huge effect on the team's results. It's not like people are sitting around saying "he batted Cameron fifth and Hart sixth, if he had just flip flopped them we wouldn't have lost 14-6 to the Nationals!" there is really only so much the guy can do. All he can really do is pencil people in and hope they do the job.

I don't blame Macha for this season. I blame injuries for this season. I can't think of one game that Macha has either won or lost. He is a basic, by the book manager and not all that different than Ned Yost. Before this week I really had no reason or desire to care if he was the team's manager or not. Now? Fire him.

Fire him, fire him, fire him, fire him. Continue reading →


29
Jun 09

Jeremy Jeffress was gonna pitch, but then he got high

high timesAs I am sure you have heard by now the (arguably) best pitching prospect in the Brewers system, Jeremy Jeffress was suspended for 100 games. He tested positive for marijuana for the second time in his career. Now, we can get into all the "smoking pot is not that bad!" stuff another time. The fact is that it's illegal to smoke pot and it's against baseball's rules to smoke pot and this guy smoked pot and got caught (twice). If he does it again and gets caught he will be banned from baseball for life. Fair? Probably not, but those are the rules and when you work in an industry where the starting paycheck is six figures you can probably stand to follow a few rules.

The best part of this whole deal, is Jeffress' manager who had the gall to say this:

"Jeremy is extremely remorseful for what happened and will be voluntarily checking himself into a rehab facility to deal with his problem," Kusnick said. "Jeremy is sick and needs help. We are here to support him in getting his life back. Right now, the most important thing is to help him get his life back, and baseball will take care of itself.

"He is sorry for letting everyone down who believes in him."

He can't possibly be serious can he? He knows we're talking about pot right? To quote Bob Saget in Half Baked "I used to suck dick for coke. Now that's an addiction. You ever suck some dick for marijuana?" You can't have a "problem" with marijuana, you can't be "sick and need help", people don't overdose on weed. If he wants to "get his life back" maybe he should just, you know, not smoke pot. That's all he has to do. There is no addiction to kick and he doesn't need rehab, he just has to put the bong down. That's it.

Unfortunately, I don't see him ever doing that. I've been around people who smoke pot my entire life. Know how many have quit? Zero. Guess what those kids getting high behind the dumpster at Burger King before a sixth grade dance are doing today? SMOKING POT! Guess what my mom is doing right now? The same thing she did when she was pregnant with me, SMOKING POT! Once you reach the point in your life when you are listening to a Phish album and think to yourself "hey, this is pretty good," you're done. It's over. You are going to smoke weed for the rest of your life. You don't care if it costs you jobs or relationships because smoking weed is fun and it makes watching professional wrestling THAT MUCH COOLER.

So don't give me that "Jeffress has a problem" crap, the only problem that Jeffress has is that he's an idiot who doesn't know how to use a Whizzinator or the internet.

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