The more I think about that guy, the more pissed off I am. Like, really pissed off. He's making me, as a Brewers fan, look bad. He's making this site look bad because like it or not this is the home for drunken Brewers fans, even the douche-y ones. (It goes like this: drunk fans/Miller Park Drunk, smart sabermetric inclined fans/Brew Crew Ball, older Republican fans/Al's Ramblings, Mentally challenged fans/JSOnline.) Make no mistake about it, this guy is one of the douche-y ones. He might be in the Brewers fan Hall of Douche next to Favre jersey guy. Listen, I am all for a good prank. I am all for fucking with Cubs fans. The thing is I am more the kind of guys who says "Hey, Cubs fan. They are giving away free Captain Morgan in section 227" and watching them run like someone threw apples at Forrest Gump. In fact, "my balls" and "other people" has never really been something I was interested in. I hate the flying squirrel, the goat, the bat wing, all of that. It's just not my style and while this dude's friends may have thought it was funny at the time, I can guaran-damn-tee you that about 15 seconds later they realized there was nowhere for their buddy to wash his hands. Then about 2 minutes after that they forgot all about his lack of hand washing and went back to giving him high fives. So, now this dbag is not only spreading his ball sweat amongst Cubs fans he is spreading it among his friends who are then spreading it throughout the stadium as they give high fives to strangers after a Corey Hart home run. Basically, I was at Opening Day and touched this guy's balls. The guy is wearing an old school jersey with a new logo hat, he obviously doesn't have the presence of mind to wash his freaking hands. Do I look like I want to touch his balls? In the original post I was less concerned with showing the video than letting my readers know that this idiot was not me. Clearly, I want nothing to do with the guy's balls.
The thing is, Cubs fan have enough problems at Miller Park. They have to wait in short lines to go to the bathroom, they can't chant "____ field sucks" at eachother, they can actually park at the stadium, it's harder to hit and/or molest girls in the bleachers, they can't drink Old Style and perhaps worst of all, most of their seats aren't obstructed. They don't need someone giving them a ball sweat handshake. More importantly, neither do we.
"Luther said I could learn some things from you. I already know how to drink" - The Sting
Of course you know how to drink. I wouldn't doubt it for a second. You've probably never had too much to drink and thrown up. Or said something you shouldn't have. Fell down, been thrown out of a bar, attempted a backflip or chewed your arm off to get away from a girl you woke up next to. You've probably never kissed a dude because you thought it would be funny or split your pants or threw up at a bar ON the bar. You know how to drink, you wouldn't do these things.
Here's the thing, I have. I've done all those things. I have done more stupid things while I was drunk then pretty much everyone you've ever met. I've ruined more relationships, spilled more tequilla on myself, sent more regrettable texts and had more heads shaken at me (oh, you) than my entire readership combined. Is this something I'm proud of? Of course not. I wish I could drink like a normal person and do normal things. I wish I had more than three readers. It's just that when I drink I am fairly certain that I can do a standing backflip and will later have to throw up. These things happen. So while you may think you know how to drink, I'm going to tell you how NOT to drink at Opening Day. It's my pleasure, really.
Okay, I take it back. I take back everything I said negatively about Ryan Braun's clothing line and the way he dresses. As long as he never dresses like Anthony Witrado of the Journal Sentinel I'll be happy.
(click for video)
If you don't feel like or can't watch the video, I have transcribed it for you below.
YO DIS YO MAN A-DUB FROM THE MILWAUKEE JIZOURNAL SENTO! I'M HEAR LIVE FROM SPRING TRIZZY REPORTIN' ON DA BREW CREW! MY HOMEY BILLY HALL HAD LASIK SURGERY ON HIS EYEZ MAN! HE SAY THIS SEASON IS GON' BE OFF DA CHAIN FO SHEEZY! I JUST WANNA GIVE A QUICK SHOUTOUT TO MY MAN RAY-J WHOS LOOKIN' FOR HOT BITCHZZ ON VH1 RIGHT NOW, ONE LOVE HOMIE. SAY HI TO KIM FOR ME LOLZ! I GOTS TO BE GOIN' NOW CUZ I GOTS TO RITE SOME ARTICLES AND SHIT. GOTS TO GET PAID NA MEAN?! PEACE!
Hey, idiots! Don't you have anything better to do? Don't you have jobs? Or school? Or... something? Anything better to do than try to sleep outside of Miller Park for two weeks? Have you ever heard of the internet? Did you know you can buy tickets online there? Or are you just going for Opening Day tickets? And if so, why didn't you just buy one of the 20 game or 9 packs that offered Opening Day seats? Oh, wait you probably can't afford those because you don't have a job or go to school and can camp out in front of Miller Park for two weeks.
Here's the thing: these people are not diehard fans. These aren't even really fans. They're idiots. Diehard fans buy tickets in packages because they want to see as many games as possible. I understand that these packages are expensive, but diehard fans know that when one season ends that there is another one coming up in six months and that they should save their money so they can buy tickets ahead of time. So be honest with yourself unemployed, Miller Park campers and admit that you are doing all of this for attention and your real goal is not to get tickets, but to be on TV. As soon as you can admit that to yourself, you'll be much better off.