24
Jun 09

Cliff Lee says please for the love of god do not trade for me

It seems that these trade candidates can't stop talking about the Brewers. Jarrod Washburn, Doug Davis and Erik Bedard all made their case. Now, Cliff Lee wants a chance to talk.

Cliff Lee

Last season I had the best season of my entire career. I led the league in wins, ERA, ERA+ and won the Cy Young award. My ERA was 2.54. I was pretty lights out, but honestly I was pitching out of my mind.

Last year the Brewers were pretty good and they made a trade for my teammates CC Sabathia. After becoming a Brewer he pitched even better than I did last season posting a 1.65 ERA. He was basically the greatest pitcher in the history of all time (as a Brewer) last season.

With those things in mind I just want to ask you one favor: Please, for the love of GOD, don't trade for me. Seriously, don't. Please, please, please, please don't.

If I was a Brewer everyone would immediately expect me to perform like CC did last year. I can't do it. I can't throw 7 complete games and 3 shutouts in only 17 starts. Are you nuts? That's insane! Who could do that? Did you know that two seasons ago I got sent down to the minors? I was 28 years old! What kind of 28 year old gets sent down to the minors? A bad one, that's who. Trust me, I'm damaged goods. I don't even have a cool sounding name. Cliff Lee, that name sounds like an alcoholic furniture salesman. God, my name is so lame. You won't even be able to come up with clever signs, "Cliff Lee ya later"? STUPID! I am so lame.

Look, I want to show you something.

cliff lee's family

That's my family right there. (Yes, that's my wife. Yes, I know she looks 14. Yes, I named my son Jaxon. No, I don't have a good excuse at to why.) Look at those kids. Cute, right? You want them to have a good life don't you? I'm going to be a free agent soon. My next contract is likely going to be my last contract. My last shot to make the kind of money that they never have to worry about anything again. If I go to the Brewers, it could all fall apart. I could crack under the pressure and end up a non-roster invitee to the Pirates. Do you think those kids want to live in Pittsburgh? Nobody does. Give these kids a chance at a better life and don't trade for me. You won't regret it. I suck. It's like my manager Eric Wedge always says "I coached CC Sabathia, I knew CC Sabathia. CC Sabathia was a friend of mine and you sir are no CC Sabathia." You don't want me, you want him and I can't be him. So let's just forget this whole thing, okay?

It's not like you guys could afford me anyways.


22
Jun 09

Doug Davis wants another chance

First Erik Bedard chimed in. Then Jarrod Washburn. Now Doug Davis makes his case to be a Brewer.

doug davis

Hey guys, remember me!? Man, has it been a long time or what? Huh? What do you mean you don't remember me? I pitched three seasons in Milwaukee! I went 37-36 over parts of four seasons. Man, the stuff Sheets and I used to get into. He's still around right? Oh, well I'm sorry to here that.

You remember me though right? The tuna fish guy? Big tuna?? YEAH! THAT WAS ME! I KNOW RIGHT!

Look, I'm gonna cut straight to the chase with you. I want to be a Brewer. Arizona sucks. It's hot, it's hot and boy is it hot. Seriously, it's so hot down here cows are giving off evaporated milk! The other day I saw a dog chasing a cat and they were both walking, that's how hot it is down here. I miss that Milwaukee weather. This Phoenix weather is so damn hot that I saw two fire hydrants fighting over a dog!  It's so hot the Kool-Aid Man had a heatsroke!

Seriously though, pitching for the Brewers game would be a great opportunity for me and I would love to help the team return to the postseason. It would also be great to know what the temperature is because my thermometer only goes to 120 down here!


22
Jun 09

Jarrod Washburn would like to return to Wisconsin

Last week Erik Bedard made the case to be a Brewer. This week his Mariners teammate Jarrod Washburn makes his case to be a Brewer. You know he's from Wisconsin right? He is, he went to UWO and is from La Crosse.

Jarrod Washburn

Let me tell you something about Erik Bedard: screw that guy. He's a jerk. One time he asked me if I wanted to go curling with him and I just told him that whatever he does in his free time is his business, but that he should keep that fag crap away from me. You guys don't want him in Milwaukee, he's Canadian. You want someone who understands what it's like in Wisconsin because he is from Wisconsin. A guy who likes hunting, Brett Favre, drinking beer and eating fish fry. A true Wisconsinite through and through.

I've been in Seattle for a few years now and you know what they got for fish fry? Nothing. What they do have is a poached salmon in a blackberry cream sauce served with a pan fried organic green tomato or some crap. Who the hell wants to eat that? I miss potato pancakes.

I'm currently having one of my best seasons with a 3.24 ERA at age 35 which is in no way weird. Some people think that it's because of the outstanding outfield defense I have behind me, but don't listen to them. I'm pitching great. Not only that, but I don't have that stupid slant-eyed catcher back there messing up my game plan. I'm in the midst of my greatest season and would love to take my success out of this queer town and back to Wisconsin. I'm so excited I could almost guarantee a playoff spot. Almost.

(You see, I was kinda wondering if maybe I could just play with the team until 9/12? That's the first day of bow hunting season and it's not like I am going to show up in the playoffs anyways (at least the World Series). Whitetail, on the other hand, are just about the smartest animals in the world and I want to bowhunt them to prove that I'm smart too.)

I'd really like to be a Brewer because it'd be nice to go to a clubhouse that isn't filled with gays and foreigners who don't speak American. I'm sure you'll be fine with Suppan and Looper (I mean, it's not like we're that different), but I think you could really use me and I'd love to be back.

seattlehippy

Please? That guy is a season ticket holder.


01
Jun 09

Your 2009 MLB All-Star Lineups

as_08_800

Have you heard about the 2009 All Star game? The Brewers are basically in the top two of every single position. This is pretty exciting for Brewers fans and I was really curious to see how it was going to turn out. To find out I contacted a local mathematician* and had him crunch some numbers for me to figure out how this thing is going to end up. This is what he came up with.

American League

National League

C: Crash Davis
1B:
Richie Sexson
2B: Jarrod Washburn
3B: Who cares?
SS: Spencer's creepy flesh colored beard
OF:
Ichiro
OF:
Dave Navarro
OF: Terence Mann
C: Jason Kendall
1B: Albert Poo-holes lol
2B: Rickie Weeks
3B: Who cares?
SS: JJ Hardy
OF: Ryan Braun
OF: Mike Cameron
OF: Anyone but Gary Sheffield

*By local mathematician I mean a guy I met at a bar who wrote this on a napkin for me.

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