Brewers Free Agent Fornication Set To Begin

milwaukee brewers November 1st, 2012

Despite what Tyler Maas said the other day, how awesome is it that the season is over? I AM SO HAPPY! No more dreaming of impossible scenarios that won't happen, no more Brewers bullpen doing Brewers bullpen thing, no more Cardinals, no more Barry Zito, no more MLB Betting, no more Prince Fielder used to be a Brewer and no more stupid teams in the stupid World Series. I'm glad it's all over and I am ready to move on to my favorite time of the year: free agency!

The great thing about free agency is that everyone is interesting. Alex Gonzalez is a slightly above average shortstop in the declining phase of his career, but when they signed him last year it felt like they were getting Cal Ripken Jr. (The young bald shortstop version, not the older bald third base version.) Free agency has a way of filling us with hope and making us believe that whatever dude we just signed is going to be the key to our championship season.*

*= Unless that signing is Eric Gagne, Jeff Suppan, Jason Kendall, Doug Davis or any of the other sucky assholes this team has brought in over the past few years.

With the free agent FrEnZy set to begin I thought we should take a look at who the Brewers may or may not get. This isn't meant to be a predictions post because my name is not Doug Melvin, but is instead a handy guide for any Brewers front office staff who might be reading this to gauge our feelings on any potential signings. Last season was the worst (and then briefly the best, but mostly the absolute worst) and I don't want to go through that again. You have to get this one right. Don't mess this one up, guys. No pressure.

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2011 Milwaukee Brewers Bobbleheads: No Gallardo, lots of grit (and white people)

milwaukee brewers February 10th, 2011

The Milwaukee Brewers recently released their 2011 promotional schedule and along with it came the announcement of who would be getting a bobblehead. There are a few surprises, Randy Wolf when almost everyone thought his signing was a bust (it wasn't, but that's the belief out there) is one great example, but no head scratchers. Unless you count Craig Counsell who had a OPS+ of 76 last year and hasn't once been a starting player unless there was an injury, but there are reasons for him beyond statistics. There are reasons for everyone really.

Date Bobblehead Expected Reason
April 24 John Axford Doug Melvin's rule that at least one Canadian get a bobblehead. Also, white.
May 22 Casey McGehee JS MVP, white.
June 12 Zack Greinke Duh.
July 10 Hot Dog Whitest of all racing sausages.
August 14 Craig Counsell Is named Craig Counsell. Also, white.
September 25 Randy Wolf Brewers had to get their $30 million worth somehow. Also, white.

A lot of people have a problem with these selections because there is a disturbing lack of the "good" Brewers. No Prince or Braun for the 85th time, no Rickie Weeks or Corey Hart who had huge seasons last year and no Yovani Gallardo who has actually never had a bobblehead made in his likeness by the Milwaukee Brewers. It's weird right? It reminds of 2009 when Jason Kendall got one over Mike Cameron despite being worse in every way. To find the answer I went to another blogger who seems to be an expert in these things. I use the term "blogger" lightly because his blog isn't actually up yet and he only has a twitter account, but on this particular topic I think he knows his stuff. So take it away, KuKluxBrewKrew. Read the rest of this entry »

Comment of the Week: Waste of space trick a** b*****

Comments, Site September 1st, 2010

Welcome to a new feature here at Miller Park Drunk, the Comment of the Week post. That's right, a long time favorite of lazy bloggers who don't feel like writing a full post is now featured right here on the #1 fringe Brewers blog on the internet. You see we love when people comment on our articles, it makes us feel all warm and fuzzy inside, and that's why we make it so easy to do. Did you know you don't even have to enter your name? It's true. Commenting is fun and easy. Who knows, if you play your cards right and start commenting next week we could be recognizing you in this very space!

This week's Comment of the Week comes from an older post, but is just too good not to recognize. The post "JASON KENDALLS EX-WIFE IS DATING ROD STEWARTS SON" was originally posted in March of this year so whoever found this post had to be searching something specific.

The original post was based on Jason Kendall's ongoing divorce from his wife Chantel and her new boyfriend, Sean Stewart, son of Rod Stewart. In the post we featured a quote where Chantel accused Jason of being addicted to Adderall. Later, after the post was published, Jason answered her claims by saying:

"I attribute those changes to the fact that I was married to an alcoholic and drug-addicted woman who abandoned our children, regularly punched me, and was unfaithful."

So yeah, other people's drama is fun.

Anyways, this week's Comment of the Week comes from Some Random Drunk with a Los Angeles, CA IP address (Sean Stewart? Another spurned lover? Diehard Kendall fan? Haha, just kidding like Kendall has a diehard fan.) who said:

She is a hooker. She has been paid for sex. She uses babies as a way to trap men and money. She is drug addict whore. Someone needs to tie her tubes. Waste of space trick ass bitch.

Alright-y then.

Good work crazy anonymous commenter, congratulations on being the winner of this week's Comment of the Week. Live it up.

Gregg Zaun hit a homerun

Baseball May 5th, 2010

Gregg Zaun's hitless streak caused us to go viral. Why shouldn't his first homerun of the season do the same?

5 songs I could see the Brewers breaking out into song to sing

Off-Base April 14th, 2010

In honor of last night's disappointing Glee premiere, a show where pretty much everyone breaks into song whenever they feel like it I thought we'd do something different today. How about five songs that you could see the Brewers randomly breaking into songs to sing? Does that sound like something that you'd be interested in?

  1. Prince Fielder: "I Want My Baby Back" (Chili's Baby Back Ribs song)
  2. Trevor Hoffman: "My Life Would Suck Without You" by Kelly Clarkson (sung to Casey McGehee)
  3. Doug Davis: "Big Girls Don't Cry" by Fergie
  4. Craig Counsell: "Whistle While You Work" by the Seven Dwarfs
  5. Gregg Zaun: "Hate On Me" by Jill Scott

BONUS FORMER BREWER SONG: Jason Kendall: "You Oughta Know" by Alanis Morissette (sung to his ex-wife)

What?

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