02
Dec 10

What are they gonna do? Plan #2: Do nothing

What are the Brewers going to do this offseason? Who knows? Doug Melvin has seemed non-committal whenever he's asked about anything and nobody else is talking. Prince Fielder is yet to be traded. Rickie Weeks is yet to be re-signed. Eric Hinske chose the Braves over the Brewers. The Braves! What does it all mean? Did the top stop spinning at the end?

I don't claim to know what they are going to do or even what they could do, but I can idly speculate. That's why we're bringing you the series: What are they gonna do?

Doing nothing is what it has felt like the Brewers have done since CC Sabathia left. Sure, some of the players have changed, but the team has been basically the same. Seth McClung turned into Todd Coffey. Dave Bush turned into Dave Bush. JJ Hardy turned into Alcides Escobar. Mike Cameron turned into Casey McGehee. My 36 waist turned into a 38. The improvements have been minimal, if not non-existent, and the team has remained basically the same.

Of course, we are basically talking about two seasons here. Two seasons that were littered with bad luck, two seasons that might have gone better if pitchers could have hit their projections and two seasons where they didn't come close. Braden Looper had probably the worst season of his career. Manny Parra somehow managed to get worse at baseball, but somehow handsomer. Jeff Suppan was born. The only contribution Doug Davis brought to the team was looking like a douchebag. These weren't the best teams ever fielded, but they weren't as bad as they ended up. They should have been better. So maybe it's time for luck to be on the Brewers side. Maybe it's time to do nothing.

What would a "do nothing" team look like? Continue reading →


17
Jun 10

The ultimate guide to Ryan Braun

We love the Milwaukee Brewers and despite popular belief we love Ryan Braun. No, really, we really do. We've gotten heat in the past because of the way we have portrayed Ryan Braun and for good reason. Whether it's his Lake Geneva restaurant, his Milwaukee restaurant, his t-shirt line, being single, sticking his tongue out, his comments about the pitching last season, LikeMe.Net or anything else, we've gotten a reputation for not liking Ryan Braun. You have to realize that this all just isn't true, I love Ryan Braun. I would sleep with Ryan Braun if I had to. He's my one of my favorite Brewers. It makes me excited that I get to see him play.

Looking at that history I realize that I've probably written about Ryan Braun more than any other Brewer and that I really know a lot about Ryan Braun. I know why he's great, I know why people like him and I know why people don't like him. I might be the world's foremost expert in Ryan Braun and if watching Spiderman has taught me anything it's that girls nipples look great when their t-shirt gets wet. Oh, and something about responsibility. I feel that I must share this knowledge with the world to better educate you in all things Ryan Braun because if I don't, who will? Continue reading →


03
Jun 10

And now a message from JJ Hardy

Hey look, it's JJ Hardy! Remember him? He was a Brewer last year. I wonder what he's been up to lately. .226/.275/.346? That's like Gregg Zaun in April bad, only without the getting better in May part. Yikes. Let's see how he feels about that.

What's up cheese for brains... brains?

I saw that you finally won a game last night, that must have been so exciting for you. Wins are kind of old news up here in Minnesota, we're usually win like 10 or eleven games a week up here. It's a lot different than Milwaukee, that's for sure. For one, we play outdoors not like you wussies with your roof. You know what happened the other day? It rained. On the baseball field. I was like "close the roof!" and Justin Morneau was all like "we don't have a roof bro." It was nuts, man.

So how's that new shortstop working out for you? Owl City Escobar, right? How many homeruns does he got? Two? That's it, really? Only two? Pssh, I have three already and I've played like 15 less games than he has. Good thing you traded me, haha. Wasn't he supposed to be some kind of savior or something? Number one prospect, my butthole.

How about that guy you traded me for, Carlos something-Mexican? Perez? Gonzalez? Chimichanga? How's he doing? Three homeruns too, eh? That's pretty good. I bet his average isn't as good as mine though. Oh? Well, how about his OBS or whatever? 71 points higher, are you sure? Well, it's early. I'm sure he'll go on a cold streak sooner or later. As long as mine's higher than Al Sea-Tac's Scuba Gear, I'm good. Continue reading →


21
Jan 10

The Big Tuna will save us all

A few people out there aren't really happy with the Brewers pitching choices this offseason. The idea is that the Brewers haven't signed anyone that could be considered anything better than a #3 starter. While this has some truth to it, it's kind of a silly argument. What if the team broke the bank and got a "proven ace"? There would be no money left to get a second starter, which the team needed, and the team would be guaranteed to come out of the spring with Suppan starting (and if someone got injured Mike Burns or Chris Narveson). That's not a good plan. We don't want Mike Burns ever starting for us again unless we are playing softball at Helfaer Field. Furthermore, let's say that last season someone offered you this trade:

Mike Cameron, JJ Hardy, Jason Kendall and Seth McClung for:

Carlos Gomez, Gregg Zaun, Latroy Hawkins, Randy Wolf and Doug Davis

I mean, even a Mike Cameron fan like myself, a 13 year old saving herself for JJ or the most diehard Slipknot fan would think that's a good trade right? I'd hope so because that is a good trade and it's exactly what Doug Melvin has pulled off. The team will go into spring training with basically the same payroll as last year with upgrades at between four and five positions (C, SP, SP, SS and RP(?)) with a drop off at only one (CF). That's a really good offseason. I honestly don't know how anyone could say that outside of the Mariners anyone had a better offseason than that and it's all because of the Big Tuna Doug Davis. Who knew?


19
Jan 10

Tuesday's Nippy Beaker

rickie-weeksHere's some things to read while watching Avatar porn (SFW).

Jody Gerut, Rickie Weeks and Carlos Gomez have all agreed to deals avoiding arbitration leaving Dave Bush, Carlos Villanueva, Todd Coffey and Corey Hart as the only ones remaining unsigned. I imagine Corey Hart is going to act like a punk like he did last year.

Speaking of Corey Hart, Sandra Bullock captured the Golden Globe for best actress for her role in "The Blind Side". When reached for comment Corey said that movie was "gooder than grits." I haven't seen it because I've been too busy with the site, but maybe some day. I have seen this trailer for the A-Team though which looks quite good.

The Brewers don't play the Twins in Minnesota until May, but I just might have to make the trip up there. Why? Target Field will offer walleye on a stick. Personally, I'm more of a pork chop on a stick kind of guy. I still say they should have put a roof on that place.

Speaking of roofs, popular Milwaukee restaurant Pizza Man had it's roof and the rest of it burn down. (h/t Doctors of Za)

Here's a story for everyone who has ever complained about the wait for the bathroom at Miller Park. It could be worse, you could be a ball boy at the Australian Open and pee yourself.

Around baseball:

Looking for a new favorite player after the departures of Seth McClung, Mike Cameron and JJ Hardy? You could always join Zaunbie Nation. WARNING: Canadian rock gods Rush will start playing. Prepare to rock out.

Meanwhile, Al's Ramblings takes a break from dissing the left, making fun of old media and fantasizing about Meghan McCain to express how much he misses Seth McClung. I do too.

On this day in history Jeff Juden was born. Also, Sargent Slaughter defeated the Ultimate Warrior for the WWF title under circumstances that I would call nefarious.

Oh, and I knew there was a reason I didn't do John Cena impressions.

That's all I have for today, unless you're looking for a lesson in ownage by Jack Bauer.

Drink up.

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