The slow news days have begun and due to MLB rules there is only a playoff game once every six days. What do we do? Inspired by our favorite site The Dugout, we've decided to follow our favorite JSOnline writer Anthony Witrado on a quest. A quest to find love, adulation and respect in a cruel world that doesn't understand him or particularly like him. Will he find what he's been seeking? Or will he fail at it, like he's failed at life so many times before? Find out in Witrado's Quest: A Miller Park Drunk Event.
The slow news days have begun and due to MLB rules there is only a playoff game once every six days. What do we do? Inspired by our favorite site The Dugout, we've decided to follow our favorite JSOnline writer Anthony Witrado on a quest. A quest to find love, adulation and respect in a cruel world that doesn't understand him or particularly like him. Will he find what he's been seeking? Or will he fail at it, like he's failed at life so many times before? Find out in Witrado's Quest: A Miller Park Drunk Event. Continue reading
The JSOnline's Brewers season grades are always a lot of fun. In 2008 Gabe Kapler received a better grade than anyone on the offense. In 2007 JJ Hardy, Joe Dillon and Ryan Braun were deemed equal. The thought that goes into these rankings clearly takes at least 5-10 minutes. I have a few sources on the inside of the JSHQ and they were able to give me a few of the grades ahead of their publishing along with some preliminary notes. Not sure if it will be EXACTLY like this on Sunday (or whenever these come out), but I can guarantee it will make the same amount of sense. Hope you enjoy.
Jason Kendall: B- That one time he hit a homerun. Guys loved throwing at him. Also, hit a homerun that other time.
Prince Fielder: C+ If he doesn't tie for RBI lead he is sure B-.Would be higher if team was better. It's his fault for record.
Felipe Lopez: A+++++ If I was GM I'd pay him a million trillion dollars!
JJ Hardy: INCOMPLETE Team is stupid for sending him down.
Alcides Escobar: C+Dazzling defense, but the bat isn't there. Seems like one of the best
Craig Counsell: B- One of the best seasons of his career.
Casey McGehee: C True Rookie of the Year candidate filled the hole at third base adequately.
Rickie Weeks: F- Got hurt. LOPEZZZZZZ!!!!!
Corey Hart: B- Changed his at-bat music later in the season and I really enjoyed it.
Mike Cameron: D He may have been one of the Brewers' best hitters, but he struck out a lot.
Ryan Braun: C- Wasn't as good as I thought he'd be. Would be higher if team did better, it's his fault.
Frank Catalanotto: A One of the lone bright spots.
Jody Gerut: F+
Yovani Gallardo: C- Not enough like CC.
Trevor Hoffman: A+ Best. Free. Agent. Signing. Ever.
Braden Looper: C- Sure, it was the worst season of his career and he led the league in homeruns and earned runs allowed. He had 14 wins! 14!
Jeff Suppan: D+ If he would have pitched better Brewers would have won the World Series.
Manny Parra: Somewhere between B and F.
Dave Bush: D- Bring back Doug Davis.
Mark DiFelice: B Can't imagine where the Brewers would have finished without his 3.66 ERA.
Mitch Stetter: C- His 3.60 ERA was a pleasant surprise.
Claudio Vargas: D- 1.78 ERA with Brewers. Am I supposed to be impressed?
Mike Burns: C Did a good job with what he was asked to do.
Seth McClung: B- "We need to give a good grade to Seth because he's my friend on twitter. -Tom"
Todd Coffey: C+Pitched a lot of games.
The rest: F
Hey. Journal Sentinel, what's up? It's your boy, Miller Park Drunk. How's it going? Yeah, that whole death of print thing really sucks. Oh, that's funny!
Listen, let's get down to business here. I am here to talk serious business. I am here to talk about the sports section of your paper. You have this guy writing for the Brewers who is absolutely terrible. I am not kidding. He sucks. He blows. He is quite possibly the worst beat writer in the entire MLB. Did you know there are teams in Baltimore and Oakland? There is! And these teams that are located in WAR ZONES have better beat writers than Anthony Witrado. There's something wrong with this picture right? I know we've been through this before. I know that we (and everyone else that cares about the Brewers) have said this before, but this time it's serious. Anthony Witrado should be fired. Continue reading
|I know [Melvin] is trying to make our ballclub better. I know he recognizes the importance of making a move and making it soon. But at the same time, I think everybody's recognized there's a lot of teams that are still in th--|
|Oh, I'm sorry. Did I break your concentration? I didn't mean to do that, eh. Please, continue. You were sayin' something about how you think I should do my job eh?|
|What's the matter? Oh, y-you were finished eh? Oh, well allow me to retort!
What does Bernie Brewer look like?
|/flips over bench
What country you from?
|"What" ain't no country I ever heard of, eh! And I would know aboot a country called "What", eh. They speak English in "What"?!|
|ENGLISH RYAN BRAUN DO YOU SPEAK IT EH?|
|Then you know what I'm saying? Describe what Bernie Brewer LOOKS like, eh!|
|/points mustache at Braun
Say what again. I dare you, I double dare you motherf@%&r say what one more goddamn time, eh!
|Go on, eh.|
|He has a big yellow mustache.|
|Does he bring joy to children?|
|/slaps Braun with mustache
DOES HE BRING JOY TO KIDS, EH!?
|Then why you trying to f@%& that up? Why you trying to demoralize the people in the organization at a time when we should be pulling together. It puts a bad taste in our mouths.|
|Yes you did. Yes. You. Did, Ryan. You tried to demoralize people in the organization and Bernie Brewer don't like to be f'd by anybody except Mrs. Brewer.
Do you read the Journal Sentinel Ryan?
|God, why? The Bible is so much better. There's this passage I've got memorized, sorta fits the occassion.|
|No, that's not even a real passage, eh. It's Deuteronomy 21:18-21.|
|"Suppose a man has a stubborn, rebellious son who will not obey his father or mother, even though they discipline him. In such cases, the father and mother must take the son before the leaders of the town. They must declare: 'This son of ours is stubborn and rebellious and refuses to obey. He is a worthless drunkard.' Then all the men of the town must stone him to death." Eh.
That's kind of insane.
I think I know what I have to do.
Ryan Braun enters the locker room carrying a large box.
|/throws Remetee shirts in the air
Free shirts for everybody! Even you Mike Burns and Seth McClung!
/walks the Earth like Caine
|/dies of autoerotic fatality|