|/steps off the plane in Minnesota|
|Where the F are we?|
|The itinerary says "Minn-ass-atah".|
|Where is that, freakin' Japan?|
|No, "Minn-AH-So-Tah". You know, 'Discover Minnesota' like in the commercials they show during our games.|
|You watch TV during our games?|
|Whoa, what's the deal with all these white people? I feel like the Jackie Robinson of Minnesota tourism.|
|Yeah and did you notice how things are sort of "blue collar" here?|
|And there is a surprising amount of overweight people?|
|Talk about a bizarro world.|
|Yeah and did you see all these purple jerseys? It's almost like the people who live here care more about their NFL team than their baseball team.|
|DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO|
|And what is the deal with all these lakes? It's like every time you turn around, there's another lake.|
|The road is long with many a winding turn. He ain't heavy, he's my brother.|
|If I can be serious for a moment, I bet some of the population says things like "yah hey dare" and "doncha know?"|
|I bet the people here hate the Chicago Bears.|
|I bet in the winter time it is easier to find fresh venison than a good plate of caviar and that it's always easier to find a good microbrew than a nice bottle of wine.|
|I bet the amount of liberals and conservatives is evenly distributed, but for some reason most of the liberals live in a specific area of the state.|
|I bet the fall is beautiful, the winters too long and the summers too short.|
|Seriously Ken, this place is freaking me out. I'm a hitting coach, get me out of here!|
|Yeah, it's nothing like Wisconsin. We need to hightail it out. Screw our record, this is about SURVIVAL.|
|Don't worry guys, I'll take care of everything.|
Here's what I don't understand:
Brewers manager Ken Macha said he would make that decision on Saturday. Fox Sports Wisconsin was supposed to carry Friday's game, but it was not known whether the network would air Monday's makeup.
Has Fox Sports Wisconsin ever watched itself? I mean, there is NOTHING on. Kent Hrbek Outdoors, Brewers games, 50 different versions of Best Damn and that's it. Most Mondays they will show Classic Brewers games, but now they are debating a new one? Really?
I'm off for the rest of the day, but come back on Sunday for a VERY special post. You won't want to miss this one.
I have sources inside Miller Park. I don't like to brag about this, but I do. One of my sources tipped me off today about the Ryan Braun/John Hirschbeck conversation after Braun was hit squarely in the back yesterday. Here for your reading pleasure is inside access that you won't find anywhere else, the complete chat transcript between Ryan Braun, umpire John Hirschbeck and Ken Macha.
|Hold me back, man. Hold me back.|
|Calm down take your base.
/warns both teams
|I ain't a killer but don't push me.|
|Okay, take your base.|
|Revenge is like the sweetest joy next to getting pussy.|
|Come on Ryan, just take the base. Let's not make this worse than it is.|
|My adversaries crumble when we rumble. It's a catastrophe.|
|Are you just quoting 2pac songs?|
|Bust him to see if he bleed, he shoulda never messed around with a sick-ass ninja like me. They call my name out and ninjas run.|
|Do you even have the uncensored version?|
|THUG LIFE BAY-BEEEE!
At least nobody spit in my face.
The Brewers lost yesterday and despite problems with FSN-WI, I watched just about the whole game with the score at 3-2 Astros. The Brewers seemingly had chances to come back every single inning after falling behind.
Top of the 5th: 2 LOB
Top of the 6th: 1 LOB
Top of the 7th: 3 LOB
Top of the 8th: 0 LOB
Top of the 9th: 1 LOB
The one inning in which they didn't leave any on base ended with Jason Kendall getting caught stealing. Yes, that Jason Kendall. Let me tell you what I know about Jason Kendall.
Jason Kendall specifically selected his at-bat song to scare little kids.
Jason Kendall has 170 steals in his career, but
Jason Kendall turns 35 in two months.
I am not one to pile on Jason Kendall. There are other blogs that do that, this is not one of them. I just don't expect much from the catcher position. He's a perfectly acceptable placeholder until Salome or whoever else is ready to take over. He knows the staff and plays good defense. Maybe Rivera should play a bit more, but overall he's fine. I will say this.
Ken Macha should know that the only way Jason Kendall steals that base is if Jason Kendall is the one trying to throw him out. That was a terrible, ridiculous idea. I understand that you don't like Jason Kendall, that doesn't mean that you can embarass the poor guy on television. Quit tweeting and lock it up.
Thus far this season the Brewers have 7 steals and have been caught 7 times. That is not a recipe for success. Jason Kendall trying to steal bases? RECIPE FOR TOTAL FAILURE.
So here's the new rule. You are not allowed to attempt to steal if you are a 35 year old white catcher or wear the #28. Everyone else? Green light. Consider me your coach of common sense.
Last night could have been one of the most important starts in the history of baseball. The implications of Yovani Gallardo's performance and three run homer may lead to the end of global warming, world peace and an end to the crime against humanity that is the seventh inning beer sale cutoff. Last night's start was the dawning of the Age of Aquarius. This is not to say that the Brewers clinched a playoff spot last night and that Gallardo clinched a Cy Young, it's just that if this is the pitcher we are getting this season those things become a hell of a lot more likely. In fact here's a list of other things that become a hell of a lot more likely:
- Ken Macha looking like a genius
- Jack Zdurencik looking like even more of a genius
- Jet packs
- First black president
- Two chicks at the same time
- University of Wisconsin becoming the new ASU
- Carlos Zambrano becoming irrelevant
- People forgetting all about that fat guy
Basically, instead of all that giant squid crap Ozymandias should have just waited until Gallardo was born, got hurt and then returned to hit a home run off Randy Johnson.