I love Thanksgiving so, so very much. It combines a few of my favorite pastimes: overeating, drinking heavily, not doing anything, punching family members in the face. If we could figure out a way to transfer Thanksgiving to the parking lot at Miller Park in mid-August this would be the greatest holiday of all. It still is (why? none of that whiny God shit), but that would make it just that much better like a finger in your asshole during a blowjob. I mean, ummm.... I just... uhh, ummm yeah. So ANYWAYS, Thanksgiving is awesome and I like to consider myself an expert in the holiday. Do I know how to cook turkey and do stuff with the gizard and whatnot? Fuck no. I know how to make this holiday legendary. I know how to turn Thanksgiving into Thanksfuckingyeahgiving. Want to have an awesome holiday? Tired of deciding to go to the movies because you are so bored? Tired of pretending to care about a Cowboys game or using mock outrage that you don't get the NFL Network? Miller Park Drunk is here to guide you through the greatest holiday of them all. Continue reading
I've heard so many rumors that Ryan Braun was opening a restaurant in Lake Geneva for so long that I just assumed that it was true. (Kind of like Rod Stewart having his stomach pumped.) I've know about this for awhile, but didn't want to post about it just in case it wasn't true. One day the sign out in front of the restaurant was changed to say "COMING SOON BRETT FAVRE'S STEAKHOUSE" which was funny, but also made me think that there was no way it was Braun's place because no way he'd think of something that funny. Well, it all turned out be true and yesterday news started to trickle out about it, topped off by the great Adam McCalvy doing a full write up. In the write up McCalvy says:
A group of investors led by Madison lawyer Patrick Sweeney finalized a licensing deal with Braun and Major League Baseball this month. The group is spending more than $1 million on upgrades to a former Mexican restaurant at 430 Broad St. in Lake Geneva, a resort community about 50 miles southwest of Milwaukee's Miller Park, and the idea is to open for business within 6-8 weeks.
He got a first-hand look at the progress of the restaurant on Sept. 6, the same day Braun and his teammates executed their now-famous celebration of Prince Fielder's 12th-inning home run that beat the San Francisco Giants.
Now I've worked in and around restaurants for most of my life and if there is one thing that has been said at each and every establishment that I have been fired for drinking from it's this: "The most expensive seat in a restaurant is an empty seat." With the idea being that you can have the best service, best food, stiffest drinks, the sluttiest waitresses and everything else in the world, but if there is nobody there to eat it the restaurant will fail. By their own doing this restaurant has had it's door closed since September and all summer long before that. Why? To spend over $1 million on upgrades to a place that wasn't that messed up to begin with. Of course. Continue reading
I don't know about you, but I can't make it through a nine inning baseball game (or church) without drinking some hard liquor. Man, I love getting wasted! Anyways since I am an old pro at this from sneaking booze into Wrigley I thought I would help you out. That's right, it's time for...
Miller Park Drunk's Guide to Sneaking in Booze Continue reading
Alright, that just about wraps things up for this week. This weekend's series against the Astros should be good as Minute Maid Park is a good place to hit home runs and that's just about our biggest strength. I don't think I'm going out on a limb here when I say one of the three games will feature 10 runs scored by a single team. I need to take a couple days off to figure out what has happened in my life that led me to thinking that writing as if I was Alyssa Milano was not only a good idea, but would be a lot of fun. I'm no doctor, but something doesn't seem quite right there.
Have a good weekend and if you haven't already Become a Fan of Miller Park Drunk on facebook. So far only 71 people have done so which really doesn't make any sense considering we are giving away two free good seats. Seriously, do it already and while you're at it Follow Us on Twitter. Look at all the fun we've been having on facebook and Twitter. It's what all the cool kids are doing.
"Guess he's due for a 10 run inning now"
"If you're not willing to hug Mike Cameron when you're sober, I feel you may want to rethink your entire post."
"douchebaggery at its finest."
"@millerparkdrunk and don't get so drunk you take out the margarita stand.... Just another tid bit to add. I'm still hurtin lol"
"@millerparkdrunk I agree with you...classless, we're suppose to be showing them how to act"
Clearly, we're having a great time and you are missing out.
To Bong or Not to Bong?: A guide to getting drunk
"Luther said I could learn some things from you. I already know how to drink" - The Sting
Of course you know how to drink. I wouldn't doubt it for a second. You've probably never had too much to drink and thrown up. Or said something you shouldn't have. Fell down, been thrown out of a bar, attempted a backflip or chewed your arm off to get away from a girl you woke up next to. You've probably never kissed a dude because you thought it would be funny or split your pants or threw up at a bar ON the bar. You know how to drink, you wouldn't do these things.
Here's the thing, I have. I've done all those things. I have done more stupid things while I was drunk then pretty much everyone you've ever met. I've ruined more relationships, spilled more tequilla on myself, sent more regrettable texts and had more heads shaken at me (oh, you) than my entire readership combined. Is this something I'm proud of? Of course not. I wish I could drink like a normal person and do normal things. I wish I had more than three readers. It's just that when I drink I am fairly certain that I can do a standing backflip and will later have to throw up. These things happen. So while you may think you know how to drink, I'm going to tell you how NOT to drink at Opening Day. It's my pleasure, really.