16
Nov 11

Miller Park Drunk’s Offseason Predictions

One month.

That's how long it's been since the Brewers were eliminated from the NLCS and robbed of their chance of the World Series by Shaun Marcum the Cardinals. A lot has happened since then. The not-Brewers won the World Series. The Packers didn't lose a game. The Badgers lost a couple they shouldn't have, effectively ending their season. The NBA died. Mark Kotsay signed with another team making the Brewers one rapist looking guy short. Eddie Kingston won the Grand Championship and Colt CaBunny was liberated. The Walking Dead's second season began and producers forgot it was a show about zombies. Kim Kardashian got divorced. Zooey Deschanel became single. Justin Bieber came out with a Christmas album. A guy smoked (a cigarette!) in a political ad. It's been a wild ride.

As for me, it's been a pretty wild ride. Faced with breaking up with my girlfriend and never talking to her again followed by my true love breaking my heart by losing in the playoffs to the Cardinals, I guess you could say I had a little mental break. I went on a journey, not like some lame On The Road inspired journey, but a journey of the mind. A spiritual journey, because that is not at all lame, that took me to the very depths of my soul and made me rethink each and every thing I thought I believed in. I now realize many things about myself and life that I didn't realize before. I know now that the world belongs to Ryan Braun and there is nothing we can do about it. I realize that we are all just puppets in a mass system designed to get us to spend money on a baseball team that will never love us back, but this realization will never stop me from continuing to do it. I've come to figure out that life isn't fair and that God, as we picture him, probably doesn't exist because the Cardinals not only beat us, but won the f*ckin' World Series.

/breathes into paper bag

The point is I return from this journey not with any sort of resolved issues, but with a clear vision of the future. I've gained an understanding of Doug Melvin and the Brewers that has never been witnessed before on this spiritual plane and come to you today with revelations of what our future holds in 2012. Our future, as philosophers say, is so bright that you might want to put on sunglasses. Continue reading →


28
Jul 11

“He’s going to be out awhile” is Roenicke speak for the season is over

We don't know much right now. We don't know exactly what's wrong. We don't know how long he'll be gone. We don't know who will replace him. All that we know is that Rickie Weeks got hurt tonight and the sky started falling.

Maybe it's just a sprain. Maybe he won't be out for long. Maybe his 15-day DL stint is just that and the Brewers won't skip a beat. I want to think these things. I want to believe these things. Yet I can't shake the image I saw tonight. Rickie Weeks, the man who takes fastballs to the face and laughs it off, the man who stands in the middle of the plate like Happy Gilmore at the batting cages just for kicks, the toughest of all the Brewers; laying on the ground unable to get up and stand on his own feet. His season flashed before my eyes and with his season went the Brewers season. There will be no playoffs for this team. The Brewers' season is over.

(Hang on a second. How am I doing? Does it sound like I'm really shaken up? Do you think I'm giving up on the season because Weeks got hurt? Are you buying this?) Continue reading →


07
Jul 11

Wake Up Mr. Greinke

I never ever wanted to write a negative word about Zack Greinke and hoped that time would never come, but unfortunately it has. Let's do it.

BREWERS STARTERS WITH ERA OVER 5.50 (Last 5 years)

  • Manny Parra 6.36 (2009)
  • David Bush 6.38 (2009)
  • Zack Greinke 5.66 (2011)

That's it. That's the whole list.

Now I know what you're thinking "Jesus, 2009 sucked" and my god did it ever. Hopefully you're also thinking "WTF IS ZACK GREINKE DOING THERE!?" 2009 was awful, but I would argue that 2011 could end up being a whole lot worse if Zack Greinke doesn't get his act together. He doesn't belong on this list, but that's how he has played thus far this season and he has sucked.

"but.. but.. he's had terrible luck! His xFIP proves it!"

"And he's winning games! He's 7-3!"

"Look at his BABIP, it's really high it will even out over time! And his LOB% is low!"

Shut up. Stop making excuses for him and shut up. You sound like an abused girlfriend who won't stop insisting that your boyfriend, Green Bay Packers cornerback Brandon Underwood, is really a good guy once you get to know him. Zack Greinke has been a huge disappointment, a much bigger disappointment than Casey McGehee, and it's time everyone admitted it. Continue reading →


10
Mar 11

A Guide to Recognizing Your Brewer Injuries

This week we all learned about Zack Greinke's basketball related injury that will keep him out for 4-6 weeks and delay his Brewers debut by a few weeks. It isn't the end of the world, but at the same it's not exactly what we had in mind for our new superstar and it sucks. What sucks even more is that Zack Greinke isn't the only Milwaukee Brewer currently experiencing an injury. In fact, there are quite a few of them and it's getting to the point where it's hard to keep up with all of them. That's why we decided to do the Milwaukee Brewers Universe a favor and create a comprehensive guide to all the aches and pains currently ailing the home town team. What can we say? We aim to please. Continue reading →


31
Dec 10

10 Worst Milwaukee Brewers of 2010

Lost in the shuffle of how awesome 2011 is going to be with the additions of Zack Greinke and Shaun Marcum, was how truly awful 2010 was. Despite our optimism, this team was eliminated by May and had most fans clamoring for a fire sale at the trade deadline. A lot of the reasons for the team's lack of success were stupid ("Ryan Braun is spending too much time on his restaurants and clothing line!"), some of them had basis in reality ("Coffey is eating too much!"), and some of them were just about Ken Macha sucking, but I don't think anyone can deny how much these ten people screwed up the Brewers' 2010 season.

That's right, it's end-of-the-year list time, and instead of looking back on our favorite moments (of which there are two, trading for Shaun Marcum and trading for Zack Greinke), we want to look back on the ten people who screwed the Brewers in 2010 harder than any of the guys your mom brought home. Luckily for us, just like your mom's "night visitors," most of these guys won't be back either. Continue reading →

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