Jan 14

Meet Bernie Brewer’s new best friend: Clark

The Chicago Cubs unveiled their unBEARably cute new mascot this week and his name is Clark and He Is Adorable. No, seriously, I was going to write this thing making fun of them for having this kid friendly new mascot, but then I saw this picture:

Cubs_Mascot_Baseball_Gasp_t653And I fell in love. Seriously, he's like a grown up Teddy Ruxpin. I just want to put tapes into his back and have him read me bedtime stories forever. When it's really cold out I want to curl up next to him and have him take me with him into hibernation land where our dreams will come alive and we will ride unicorns into rainbows. He's the sweetest, most cuddliest mascot I have ever seen.  He's like Bango if Bango worked for a professional sports team. The Cubs really nailed it on this one and I were the Brewers I'd really be worried about losing fans who only liked the team because of Bernie Brewer because Clark makes Bernie look like... well, the Brewers. Continue reading →

May 13

Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Yuni B

yuni-voldemortLet's start this off properly: Yuniesky Betancourt is the worst shortstop in Brewers history. That might not necessarily be true, but it feels true. In 2011, his last full season as the Brewers shortstop, he was the worst everyday shortstop in the league. Or at the very least in the bottom five. Even when he did good things, he always followed them up with boneheaded plays, errors and stupid pop-ups. He was the worst. People called him names, people called into radio shows screaming for his replacement and nobody was a fan of him. Nobody. @atmeiller calls him Voldemort and it makes sense because when he was playing shortstop he removed all the light from the world and each one of his swings spread a flurry of Death Eaters throughout Miller Park. He wasn't good at baseball and we were all glad to see him go.

When the Brewers brought back Yuni B, it was like seeing your ex-girlfriend walk back through your door. Only instead of the moderately attractive girl you remember she was sporting a neck tattoo that read "SLUT" and a Nickelback t-shirt that barely hid her pregnant belly. And the baby is yours. The Brewers re-signing Betancourt felt somewhat like the worst thing ever, but it wasn't. Why? Continue reading →

Aug 12

Six stupid things people need to stop doing right now

I really didn't mean to do two "people are dumb" posts in a single Off Topic Week, but sometimes you just have to. I have a captive audience here and hopefully my words can hope to better mankind. It's the entire point of running a site called Miller Park Drunk really.

I am a writer and as a writer I am a keen observer of the human condition. I am also a borderline alcoholic so I spend a lot of time drinking in public with other people. Thirdly, all my best friends are dumb (except for you, best friend who is reading this.) Because of this unique combination I have a window into humanity that not many other people do. I see people do things on a daily basis. I see things that bother me, things I love, things I hate, but mostly things that annoy the hell out of me. Look, I'm not one of these people who hates everyone and everything. I really want to like people. I want to have a good time and have lots of friends and be happy, but some people just make it so hard to do that. What is the problem guys? Be young. Have fun. Drink Pepsi.

There are many annoying traits in people that I can handle. Stupid laughs, loud gum chewing, bad taste in movies and overuse of cologne are all traits that I dislike, but can accept and remain friends with you. However, if you do any of these following six things? Fix it. Right now. Or we are donezo. Continue reading →

Jul 12

Check you later Zack Greinke

Well, the day that we inevitably knew was going to come has come and Zack Greinke is no longer a Milwaukee Brewer. I wish he could have stayed and won the World Series; but the bullpen, luck and the injury bug had other plans. Now he's gone.

It's been a weird run. There were a lot of really great times. I'll never forget the day I found out he was coming to Milwaukee and I invented a dance to go along with it. I was so excited I nearly peed my pants. I was smiling and laughing and dancing. I was so, SO happy. Insanely happy. I even wrote about it:

Greatest moments of my life:

  1. Son being born
  2. Something involving my girlfriend*
  3. Zack Greinke becoming a Brewer

The point here is that I can't imagine what it felt like to want to close this site or to not like baseball anymore because I love this site and baseball and the Brewers more than anything in my life right now. I just want to write, watch and read about the Brewers every second of every day for the rest of my life. The Brewers are going to the World Series and then they are going to win it. We are about to see the greatest Brewers team of our lifetime. Everything that came before will seem like a joke.

Hey, 1982 what a season am I right? Yeah, what a season... FOR LOSERS! 2011 BITCHES!!!!

Besides the World Series and that laughable girlfriend comment, I think I agree with most everything that I said at that time. Last year's team really was the greatest team of my lifetime. They just didn't know how to not pitch Marcum and Narveson in the most important game of the season (I really need to stop doing this) and it ended sooner than it should have. The Zack Greinke trade brought me from a place where I wasn't sure if I still wanted to be in love with baseball and made me be totally in love with it again. I've never wavered again and I'm really glad it worked out how it did. Every fifth day was like a mini-holiday for awhile there. I saw some amazing games at Miller Park with Zack on the mound and it was pretty awesome. I liked it. Continue reading →

Jul 12

FASHION UPDATE: Put your clothes on

VINCE:Hey Steph, what is the deal with all these dudes taking their shirts off in the parking lot at Miller Park? I think I saw more bad tattoos than Brewers logos at the game we went to a couple of weeks ago. Is this in any way acceptable? I say no, but maybe that's just because I don't have any sweet tats brah. I mean, I'm not going to pretend that I've never stripped my shirt off to do the Macarena, but there is a specific time and place where that kind of thing is appropriate. Like a bar mitzvah. You have to read your surroundings when you are doing that stuff and a parking lot filled with people is not that time or that place.In my mind there are maybe six people who can pull off the "casually hanging out in public without a shirt on" look and those people are Matthew McConaughey, D'Angelo, Channing Tatum, Ryan Gosling, David Beckham and John C. Reilly. Oh, and Joel McHale. I'm pretty gay for Joel McHale. (hi joel ;)) Pretty sure none of those dudes are tailgating at Miller Park this season so everyone else needs to shirt up, period. I don't care how hot it is. This isn't the beach. You aren't playing with sand toys. Nobody wants to see your back tattoo that reads "PLEASE FORGIVE ME" or watch you drip a glob of mustard off of your brat and into your taco meat. Please keep your shirt on.
Now am I just a hater because I am more Louis CK than Donald Glover with my shirt off? Or am I right about this one? Please tell me I'm right.
STEPH: Now I understand that I am the (sometimes) proud owner of a vagina but I don't really love seeing dudes without their shirts, it makes me feel uncomfortable. I find myself staring at their nipples and then checking out their abs or lack thereof. 9 out of 10 times, the men that are shirtless at Miller Park are essentially some form of this lad.
I understand that manning a grill while drinking booze in the sun can get a fella a little heated but, Jesus Christ, keep the shirts on. There is no way that tailgating without a shirt is acceptable, how can going sans shirt be that much more refreshing than wearing, say, a cotton t-shirt? The bottom line is that guys are douche bags. Douche bags like to be shirtless. Shirtless dudes end up on Cops. So, in conclusion if you are at Miller Park without a shirt on you will end up on Cops.
VINCE: I'm glad we settled this. I think we should rank taking your shirt off in the parking lot slightly behind "jerseys with your name on it" and "Brewers heels", but above "mixing old and new logos" and "being Front Row Amy" in the Official Miller Park Fashion Rules.
A few thoughts before we go.
1. Is that a cell phone or a pocket knife on his belt? If it's a pocket knife this dude might be a secret genius because, really, those Miller Lite punch top cans are way too hard to punch. And this is coming from a guy who has a lot of extra wrist strength if you know what I mean.
2. There is no way in hell that guy doesn't listen to "Red Solo Cup" four or five times a day. No way. (By the way, "Red Solo Cup" is such an awful song that I am planning on having blue or green Solo cups at the Pants Party just to avoid the off chance that someone gets that song stuck in my head.)
3. Seriously though, your boyfriend looks really cute in this picture.
STEPH: He does, doesn't he? Way better than this shirtless dickface.

Aren't we funny? Don't we seem cool to hang with? Come hang with us at Miller Park Drunk's Pants Party 2 7/15 at Miller Park. Check out our facebook page for food and drink options.