03
May 12

Local Man Finds Milwaukee Brewers Woes Accurately Reflect His Own Personal Failures

RACINE, WI -- While Milwaukee Brewers fans statewide are trying to figure out what exactly is going on with their local baseball team's string of bad luck, there is one local man who saw it all coming and claims that the Milwaukee Brewers recent troubles are an accurate reflection of every bad thing that has happened to him in his life.

"Baseball is supposed to be an escape, you know? Something fun to take you away from all the bad things happening in your life, but not this year," said Josh Stevens, 35, who is between jobs right now and not really sure how he's going to pay last month's rent. "Everything that has happened to the Brewers this year just reminds me more and more how much of a mess I've made of my life."

"It actually started last year when he broke up with his girlfriend Anna," his roommate Chaz confirmed, "she dumped him right before the playoffs started and he kept saying that if the Brewers won the World Series they would get back together, but we all know that didn't happen. I don't think she even talks to him anymore."

Stevens reportedly started feeling better as the season began, but that ray of light in his life quickly diminished when he was fired from his job at Culver's just days after the Brewers lost their season opening series to the Cardinals, losing two games to one by a combined score of 20-14.

"I had tickets to two of the first three games and I had to work the other day. Guess which day that was? Oh, and I had to sit next to a bunch of Cardinal fans which made it even worse," Stevens admitted that he realizes that it is a long season and losses happen, but the series just completely drained him of any hope. "I went into work Monday and my boss told me that I was working the register, like he didn't even ask and I didn't want to do it after the weekend I'd just had so I told him no way. Then he just started freaking out on me about acting immature or something and then he fired me for no reason. I mean, who acts like that? I tried to tell him I had a bad weekend, but he didn't care. Nobody ever does."

When reached for comment his former manager noted that he was "36 and working the grill at Culver's. I truly hope he gets his life together."

While Stevens believes the Brewers woes align with his failures, their success does not seem to have the same effect on his personal life. According to a source close to Stevens it is quite the opposite.

"I wanted to cheer him up after losing his job so I took him to the Brewers game where they beat the Dodgers in extra innings which was a great game to be at. My company has great season tickets so I used those and we tailgated before too," his step brother Marcus, a 26 year old engineer, told us "but then as soon as we sit down he sees a girl that he thinks is his ex-girlfriend with her boyfriend two rows down. He went catatonic, like Cameron in Ferris Bueller style catatonic. I tried to get him to chill out, but he wouldn't. I didn't get it. Like they only really dated for a couple of months and she wasn't even that good looking, but there he was crying like a baby. The sad part is I don't even think it was her."

The pain didn't stop there for Stevens either. When the Brewers lost starting pitcher Chris Narveson for the season with a rotator cuff injury, Stevens suffered an injury of his own.

"I was trying to help my mom clean her gutters, you know help her out for a couple extra bucks, when I reach into one and cut my hand on the metal. There was blood everywhere and I coulda sworn I needed a tetanus shot," Stevens, who is still looking for work if anyone knows of anything, said "I asked my mom to take me to the hospital for stitches, but she just gave me a band-aid. That's when I told her to forget about it and to clean her own gutters. Forget that. She never even paid me for the work I did before I got hurt either."

To make matters worse for Stevens, Milwaukee also lost its first baseman Mat Gamel. Stevens owns a Mat Gamel shirsey that he claims "wasn't cheap" and says he had a lot invested in the young hitter this season.

"Prince leaving last season reminded me a lot of when my dad left me when I was a kid. I was hoping Gamel could step in and fill the void he left, but once he went down injured I knew it wasn't going to happen. He's just like Marcus's dad Ken. He always played catch with Marcus, but never with me. I'm not jealous or anything, but it just wasn't right you know?"

Stevens, wearing sweatpants in public, says that he isn't too optimistic about the Brewers playoff chances this season or his chances of finding a new job. Or a new girlfriend for that matter.

"What's the point, really? Why try? Look at Mat Gamel he tried to catch a foul ball and he tears his ACL. Season over. You put yourself out there and you get burned. I gave my heart to Anna and I gave my blood, sweat and tears to Culver's and where did it get me? Nowhere. If I was the Brewers I would just stop playing now. Suppan shut you out, just give up. Trying isn't worth it. Trust me."


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27
Apr 12

The Best of #WeLoveAx

Well, I'd be lying if I said that #WeLoveAx wasn't the worldwide phenomena that I expected it to be. I mean, you would think saying something nice about one of the best players on your favorite baseball team in a 140 characters or less would be a no-brainer, but apparently not. If there is one thing I've learned in life it's that I do not look good in a thong some people just don't like to do fun stuff. It's like when my old roommate's co-worker came over to our place to borrow something and when I asked him if he wanted a beer he said "You know I'm only 20 right?" Like wouldn't that make you want a beer even more? Does this look like a frickin' bar to you? What are you a cop or something? Relax, dude. That's kind of what this was like. Or maybe it's like Monday night's game when I was walking across the bridge, drunk, celebrating a Brewers win and trying to get a "YES!" chant started. Nobody wanted to do it. They were all content to just walk across the bridge quietly, talking amongst themselves. I don't get it. The Brewers won. We should celebrate and chanting "YES!" is really fun! Really. Go ahead, try it. I'll wait here.

(still waiting)

That's how it is for some people though. They might be afraid of ruining their blog's twitter's "integrity" (kill yourself) or maybe they have such low self esteem that they are worried John Axford will reply to them and tell them they are dumb for saying that (he won't.) Who knows. Or maybe people just thought MY idea was stupid which is totally missing the point. It is stupid, but the point is: just stop thinking about everything so much and be nice. People tweet mean things at John Axford and if you don't like that you should tweet something nice at him to overcome that. It's only 140 characters, it won't kill you.

With that little rant over I want to thank all of you who did participate. I now present to you a few of my favorites. Continue reading →


19
Apr 12

The Best Milwaukee Brewers Blog In The World

Miller Park Drunk is the Shepherd Express 2012 Winner for Best Sports Blog.

I got the invite in the mail to this party while I was in Miami for Wrestlemania. I read it, decided not to go and then I didn't really think about it again until yesterday when Tyler asked me if I wanted to go to the party, you know, just in case we won. Again, I decided not to go and instead we went to a Brewers game. The truth is I didn't want to go. I just had all these thoughts running through my head about it.
Do I have to bring a date? Who would that be? What? No, not her. Oh, like you've never slept over at a girl's house and been woken up by her kid. Shut up.
What if I didn't win, wouldn't that be a colossal waste of time? What if I did win? Would I have to give a speech? Would my speech get me laid by my date? Who is that going to be again? What if my speech sucked and I didn't get laid?

It just seemed like too much of a hassle for a web award, honestly. Who cares right? I don't need any validation, I'm a man! Well, today I found out that we won and I was surprised at just how happy it made me.

Look, I know in the grand scheme of things that this award doesn't really mean anything. It definitely doesn't mean that this blog is "better" than any of the other blogs out there or that I am an amazing writer. (To be fair, I am.) It just means that people like reading this thing and I think that's pretty cool. I've been calling this "the best Milwaukee Brewers blog in the world" for awhile now, but that was mostly just pro-wrestling style posturing. The fact that some people actually believe that in real life is a pretty cool thing and I really do appreciate that. I'll try to update more just for you guys. How does twice a month sound?

Okay, I guess this is the part where I thank people. I'd like to thank the rest of Team MPD which is basically just Tyler and Steph. I think you two are really cool and funny so when you two tell me how cool and funny you think I am I believe it. You should tell me that more often actually. That one time just isn't cutting it. I'd like to thank Ryan Braun for giving me so much material to work with, but then testing positive for something and forcing me to re-evaluate my feelings on him thus giving me even more material. All our best posts are about you, buddy. I'd like to thank Prince Fielder for doing that McDonalds commercial as a kid. I'd like to thank Doug and Mark for putting together a team that is so worthwhile to write about. If this was a Pirates blog I would have gave up a long time ago. (Remember when I did that Bucks blog for like a week? lol.) I'd like to thank the state of Wisconsin for being the best state in the world and, of course, I'd like to thank all of the readers.

Thanks to those of you who comment on stuff we do. Like Tuco who actually wrote the sentence "Vince is a kinder gentler human these days" in my defense and apparently meant it or SconnieGirl808 who I have been missing lately. I read every comment and I appreciate all of them. Thanks to the person on reddit who said I was a great guy. (Seriously, where do you guys get this from?) Thanks to all my people on twitter. I did twitter for awhile and thought it was stupid, but ever since the playoffs last year I can't quit you. You make watching a baseball game alone at home on my laptop fun. An additional thanks goes out to the twitter people for getting @millerparkdrunk to trend in Milwaukee during Braun's speech in spring training. That was neat! (I think.) Thanks to the other blogs who shout out to us and do the real analysis so we can do that thing we do. Let me know if you ever want to get weird. Thanks to everyone who came to the Pants Party two years ago and everyone who is going to come to this year's party (COMING SOON I PROMISE.) It was fun doing keg stands in my boxers with you guys. Just thanks to everyone who likes this. Seriously, thanks I mean it.

Finally, I'd like to thank the team of programmers who created the program that voted for this site more than any other. No way we could have won this award without you!

Alright, that's all I got. Real posts coming soon.


16
Apr 12

Milwaukee Brewers 2011 Year In Review DVD Is Awesome

The Brewers are 4-6. Last season at this time they were 5-5. They have a -14 run differential and have given up 50 runs. OMG WHAT DOES IT MEAN?! ARE THEY DONEZO!? Let's try not to worry about it because it is ridiculously early to worry about anything and take a trip down memory lane to the 2011 season as we review the Milwaukee Brewers' "The Next Step" DVD.

The 2011 Milwaukee Brewers season was the best, everything about it was the best. I loved the pitching, the hitting and the defense (okay, maybe not the defense.) I loved the coaching (okay, maybe not the coaching either.) I loved Ryan Braun, Prince Fielder, Yo, Axford, Tony Plush, Beast Mode and everything else. 2011 was a year when everything seemed to go right for the Brewers and it truly was a magical regular season. The recently released Brewers DVD "The Next Step" given to fans last Sunday at Miller Park sets out to capture the feeling of last season and does a pretty strong job of it, hitting a lot of the key moments of the season that brought us so much joy a year ago with a cast of talking heads who enjoyed it just as much as we did. Continue reading →


08
Apr 12

Milwaukee Brewers complete three game series

The 2012 Milwaukee Brewers season is here and it started with a bang!

No, that won't work.

The 2012 Milwaukee Brewers season is here and the Brewers have come out swingin'!

No, no, that won't work either.

The 2012 Milwaukee Brewers season is here and... yeah, it's here.

The excitement surrounding Opening Day was arguably at an all-time high. Fresh off a division championship and a playoff run that saw them fall just two wins shy of the World Series, the Brewers were set to capture the hearts and minds of Milwaukee again. The roster was different, but in a lot of ways it was better and the expectations were at an all-time high. The Brewers walked into Opening Day with their heads held high and the fans eating out of the palms of their hands. Each and every one of them filled with excitement and ready to begin their quest towards that elusive World Series. The wait was over. The time was now. The second largest crowd in Miller Park history was in attendance for the biggest Opening Day in Brewers history.

They lost 11-5 to the Cardinals. Continue reading →

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