22
Jun 09

Doug Davis wants another chance

First Erik Bedard chimed in. Then Jarrod Washburn. Now Doug Davis makes his case to be a Brewer.

doug davis

Hey guys, remember me!? Man, has it been a long time or what? Huh? What do you mean you don't remember me? I pitched three seasons in Milwaukee! I went 37-36 over parts of four seasons. Man, the stuff Sheets and I used to get into. He's still around right? Oh, well I'm sorry to here that.

You remember me though right? The tuna fish guy? Big tuna?? YEAH! THAT WAS ME! I KNOW RIGHT!

Look, I'm gonna cut straight to the chase with you. I want to be a Brewer. Arizona sucks. It's hot, it's hot and boy is it hot. Seriously, it's so hot down here cows are giving off evaporated milk! The other day I saw a dog chasing a cat and they were both walking, that's how hot it is down here. I miss that Milwaukee weather. This Phoenix weather is so damn hot that I saw two fire hydrants fighting over a dog!  It's so hot the Kool-Aid Man had a heatsroke!

Seriously though, pitching for the Brewers game would be a great opportunity for me and I would love to help the team return to the postseason. It would also be great to know what the temperature is because my thermometer only goes to 120 down here!


22
Jun 09

Jarrod Washburn would like to return to Wisconsin

Last week Erik Bedard made the case to be a Brewer. This week his Mariners teammate Jarrod Washburn makes his case to be a Brewer. You know he's from Wisconsin right? He is, he went to UWO and is from La Crosse.

Jarrod Washburn

Let me tell you something about Erik Bedard: screw that guy. He's a jerk. One time he asked me if I wanted to go curling with him and I just told him that whatever he does in his free time is his business, but that he should keep that fag crap away from me. You guys don't want him in Milwaukee, he's Canadian. You want someone who understands what it's like in Wisconsin because he is from Wisconsin. A guy who likes hunting, Brett Favre, drinking beer and eating fish fry. A true Wisconsinite through and through.

I've been in Seattle for a few years now and you know what they got for fish fry? Nothing. What they do have is a poached salmon in a blackberry cream sauce served with a pan fried organic green tomato or some crap. Who the hell wants to eat that? I miss potato pancakes.

I'm currently having one of my best seasons with a 3.24 ERA at age 35 which is in no way weird. Some people think that it's because of the outstanding outfield defense I have behind me, but don't listen to them. I'm pitching great. Not only that, but I don't have that stupid slant-eyed catcher back there messing up my game plan. I'm in the midst of my greatest season and would love to take my success out of this queer town and back to Wisconsin. I'm so excited I could almost guarantee a playoff spot. Almost.

(You see, I was kinda wondering if maybe I could just play with the team until 9/12? That's the first day of bow hunting season and it's not like I am going to show up in the playoffs anyways (at least the World Series). Whitetail, on the other hand, are just about the smartest animals in the world and I want to bowhunt them to prove that I'm smart too.)

I'd really like to be a Brewer because it'd be nice to go to a clubhouse that isn't filled with gays and foreigners who don't speak American. I'm sure you'll be fine with Suppan and Looper (I mean, it's not like we're that different), but I think you could really use me and I'd love to be back.

seattlehippy

Please? That guy is a season ticket holder.


19
Jun 09

Thanks a lot Ryan Braun, now I’ll never get laid

Ryan Braun and his ex-girlfriend

Great. This is just what I fucking needed. The same fucking day that I FINALLY work up the courage up to ask this cute temp Lauren out on a date and get fucking DENIED because she's "just coming out of serious relationship and needs some me time" whatever the FUCK that means, Ryan Braun decides to break up with his girlfriend and announce it on Kiss fucking FM. Fuck you Ryan Braun. Why didn't you just come to my work during lunch break and do it?

Are you fucking kidding me? You think that just because you're some good looking baseball player with his own clothing line that you can just hog all the hot chicks in Milwaukee? Is that what you fucking think? Because I have something to tell you, SOME girls aren't into all that. SOME girls aren't into your stupid fucking t-shirts. SOME girls aren't into your tongue wagging and showboating. SOME girls like guys like me, guys they can talk to about their feelings who won't try things on the first date. SOME girls want a guy who they can tailgate with who out drinks all his friends, not some asshole who is friends with A-Rod. Why don't you fucking call back the Bachelor or something? Why do you have to steal all the girls from regular guys like me? Guys like me who pay your fucking salary asshole!

I mean, Jesus fucking Christ, this has been like the worst week ever. The thing with Lauren was one thing, but then I asked for this other girl's phone number who I met at a Brewers game and she had a fucking boyfriend. If you had a fucking boyfriend why were you flirting with me the whole fucking game? I would have had like six more beers and three more brats plus some cheese fries if I knew you had a fucking boyfriend! For fucks sake. I guess I just don't fucking get why this keeps happening to me. No matter what I do I can't seem to get laid. I mean, I'm a nice guy! I'm sensitive! I'll watch Grey's Anatomy with you and I own like every Jason Mraz CD! The other day I bought She's Just Not That Into You On-Demand just so I had something to talk to Lauren about at work. We see how fucking good that worked out. I just want someone to talk to! Someone to fucking care about! It's not enough that I have to compete with all these assholes who work out and have a drivers license, I also have to compete with Ryan fucking Braun? Fan-fucking-tastic. Why don't you just kick my dog while you're at it? Thanks a lot Ryan Braun, now I'll never get laid. Asshole.

[RightFieldBleachers]


19
Jun 09

My name is Erik Bedard and I would like to be your new starting pitcher

The trading season is heating up and one name that keeps popping up in connection with the Brewers is Erik Bedard. The trade makes some sense. Manny Parra is pretty bad. Erik Bedard is pretty good. Erik Bedard is affordable and his contract expires after the season. (I think it would be funny if the Brewers traded for a starter with an expiring contract every year for the next 5 years. Bonus points if it was always with Cleveland.) I don't think it will take a LOT to get him and there is a clear connection between Jack Z and Doug Melvin to make this happens. Jack knows our system and what he'd be getting back better than any other team. It all seems like a good idea, but what about Erik? What does he think about all this?

erik bedardHi.

I'm Erik Bedard.

How are you doing today?

I heard that you may have recently had a baby. Congratulations. I made you this card.

bedardcard_boy_medium Continue reading →


16
Jun 09

The fail that is the JSOnline Brewers Fan Photo Gallery

If you haven't had the pleasure chance to see the JSOnline's user submitted Brewers fan photo gallery than you are REALLY missing out. I've invited my good friend Brewers Baby to help me comment on some of these photos.I should warn you, Brewers Baby can get a little vulgar at times. What can I say? He's a baby. He poops his pants and pees himself. Babies are stupid.

afflic

BREWERS BABY This is a good look for someone who wants to A) look like a douchebag, B) cook crystal meth, C) date strippers and D) get his f@%kin ass whooped if I ever see him.

Continue reading →

  • BrewBay

    1978 Topps #173 Robin Yount Mint Milwaukee Brewers
    1978 Topps #173 Robin Yount Mint Milwaukee Brewers
    US $8.99
  • Brewers Tickets

  • E-Mail Miller Park Drunk