13
Nov 09

So ladies, you want to date Miller Park Drunk huh?

sixteencandlesI have this friend and her friend loves this site. Like loves it, loves it. This person (who I have never met) loves the site an therefore loves me. No, seriously. It's true. I am not making this up. In fact of the 480 facebook fans we have a whopping 32% of them are female! That's like 153 girls reading this site! Do you realize what this all means? Chicks frickin' dig me.

Now look girls I know that you think this is all fun and games, but this is serious business. I'm not some trollop you can just post a few comments on his website and next thing you know I'm taking you out to dinner at a fancy restaurant like Red Lobster. I'm sorry, but it just doesn't work that way. I have feelings, I have emotions, I cried at the end of Wall-E! I'm sophisticated, I watch Mad Men! You can't just mosey on in with your sexy facebook profile pictures and think you're going to horn in on all my riches and move into my lush two bedroom apartment. No, you have to be a special kind of lady to get involved with this guy. There was this one time in high school when my best friend and I made a bet that I couldn't turn the ugliest girl in school (and she was really ugly too, pig tails and glasses! gross!) into the prom queen. Well, I changed that girl and she ended up being beautiful, but she didn't win the prom, she won my heart. I made that bet before I knew her, before I really knew me and that was the night that I realized that it's not what's on the outside that counts. It's what's on the inside.

Oh, kiss me beneath the milky twilight
Lead me out on the moonlit floor
Lift your open hand
Strike up the band and make the fireflies dance
Silver moon's sparkling
So kiss me

Ahem.

Where was I at? Prom? I wonder what ever happened to that girl. Yeah, like I was really going to art school with her. Idiot. Wait, that wasn't it. Oh yeah, chicks digging me that are reading this site.

Girls if this is something that you're really interested in doing I have a few guidelines I'd like for you to follow. A few dealbreakers. A few tips. If you think you're serious about this read ahead, but proceed with caution. It's about to get real. Continue reading →


08
Oct 09

SNEAK PEEK: Journal Sentinel 2009 Brewers grades

hail-satan-710567The JSOnline's Brewers season grades are always a lot of fun. In 2008 Gabe Kapler received a better grade than anyone on the offense. In 2007 JJ Hardy, Joe Dillon and Ryan Braun were deemed equal. The thought that goes into these rankings clearly takes at least 5-10 minutes. I have a few sources on the inside of the JSHQ and they were able to give me a few of the grades ahead of their publishing along with some preliminary notes. Not sure if it will be EXACTLY like this on Sunday (or whenever these come out), but I can guarantee it will make the same amount of sense. Hope you enjoy.

Jason Kendall: B- That one time he hit a homerun. Guys loved throwing at him. Also, hit a homerun that other time.

Prince Fielder: C+ If he doesn't tie for RBI lead he is sure B-.Would be higher if team was better. It's his fault for record.

Felipe Lopez: A+++++ If I was GM I'd pay him a million trillion dollars!

JJ Hardy: INCOMPLETE Team is stupid for sending him down.

Alcides Escobar: C+Dazzling defense, but the bat isn't there. Seems like one of the best

Craig Counsell: B- One of the best seasons of his career.

Casey McGehee: C True Rookie of the Year candidate filled the hole at third base adequately.

Rickie Weeks: F- Got hurt. LOPEZZZZZZ!!!!!

Corey Hart: B- Changed his at-bat music later in the season and I really enjoyed it.

Mike Cameron: D He may have been one of the Brewers' best hitters, but he struck out a lot.

Ryan Braun: C- Wasn't as good as I thought he'd be. Would be higher if team did better, it's his fault.

Frank Catalanotto: A One of the lone bright spots.

Jody Gerut: F+

Yovani Gallardo: C- Not enough like CC.

Trevor Hoffman: A+ Best. Free. Agent. Signing. Ever.

Braden Looper: C- Sure, it was the worst season of his career and he led the league in homeruns and earned runs allowed. He had 14 wins! 14!

Jeff Suppan: D+ If he would have pitched better Brewers would have won the World Series.

Manny Parra: Somewhere between B and F.

Dave Bush: D- Bring back Doug Davis.

Mark DiFelice: B Can't imagine where the Brewers would have finished without his 3.66 ERA.

Mitch Stetter: C- His 3.60 ERA was a pleasant surprise.

Claudio Vargas: D- 1.78 ERA with Brewers. Am I supposed to be impressed?

Mike Burns: C Did a good job with what he was asked to do.

Seth McClung: B- "We need to give a good grade to Seth because he's my friend on twitter. -Tom"

Todd Coffey: C+Pitched a lot of games.

The rest: F


17
Sep 09

Still mad? Let me make it up to you

isorryApparently some of you didn't like the whole selling out thing and honestly, we're sorry to hear that. I thought he did some interesting stuff even if he was a douchebag. (By the way, did you catch my review of Wrigleyworld? It may have been lost amongst the idiocy, but I am rather proud of it.) However, you should all be happy to know that I have returned the Playboy with Sable on the cover along with the fifty bucks and we won't be seeing Chad around here for a long, long time.

Anyways, you're mad. I'm sorry. Let me make it up to you. Continue reading →


01
Sep 09

Meet Alcides Escobar ladies

Sometimes I forget that I may have more female readers than I have male readers and that talking negatively about JJ Hardy is probably not the best course of action. The problem is the JJ days are probably over. The Alcides Escobar era is here and there's nothing we can do about it. I want the ladies to love Alcides, but the fact is that he is nowhere near as good looking as JJ Hardy. A friend of mine tells me that he enjoys vodka/cranberry and Michael Jackson, but that's just not enough to make this happen. We need more.

Luckily for Alcides he has me on his side. Here's 10 things that Alcides Escobar can do (scratch that, WILL DO) to make the ladies love him like they love JJ. When we're done with him he's going to make JJ Hardy look like Jonathan Knight (to his Donnie Wahlberg (or Joey McIntyre depending on your preference)) and no one will care when he comes out of the closet.

Continue reading →


21
Aug 09

Keep watching, the best part hasn’t even happened yet

Drunk Brewers fanIt seems that the bandwagon is emptying at an alarming rate. I try to keep positive because, well for one it's not very smart for me to say "stop caring about baseball, the Brewers season is over! Go find another blog!" and two, it's still baseball. Crazy things happen all the time. You just never know. Of course with every loss to the Pirates, you kind of DO know.

A recent poll on Brew Crew Ball has 1% of Brewers fans saying they won't give up on the season until it's over with 83% having already given up. 83%!!!! I'm not exactly sure what this means though. If you are among the 83%, do you still care about what happens? Or have you mentally checked out? Have you moved on to football season? If this is the case, I ask you to reconsider. This Brewers season is not the one we wanted, but it's still the Brewers season. It's kind of like a bad porno. Sure, the girls aren't as hot as you expected and they're all tatt'ed up like Josh Hamilton. Sure, there is too much closeup. Sure, the plot sucks and the music is terrible. The fact of the matter is it's still a porno, it's still people having sex. Despite it's problems there are a number of good reasons to continue watching the Brewers. Just like you keep watching the porno for the T&A, you should keep watching the Brewers for these reasons (and just like in porno not one of them is a "sausage race".) Continue reading →

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