02
Aug 12

Six stupid things people need to stop doing right now

I really didn't mean to do two "people are dumb" posts in a single Off Topic Week, but sometimes you just have to. I have a captive audience here and hopefully my words can hope to better mankind. It's the entire point of running a site called Miller Park Drunk really.

I am a writer and as a writer I am a keen observer of the human condition. I am also a borderline alcoholic so I spend a lot of time drinking in public with other people. Thirdly, all my best friends are dumb (except for you, best friend who is reading this.) Because of this unique combination I have a window into humanity that not many other people do. I see people do things on a daily basis. I see things that bother me, things I love, things I hate, but mostly things that annoy the hell out of me. Look, I'm not one of these people who hates everyone and everything. I really want to like people. I want to have a good time and have lots of friends and be happy, but some people just make it so hard to do that. What is the problem guys? Be young. Have fun. Drink Pepsi.

There are many annoying traits in people that I can handle. Stupid laughs, loud gum chewing, bad taste in movies and overuse of cologne are all traits that I dislike, but can accept and remain friends with you. However, if you do any of these following six things? Fix it. Right now. Or we are donezo. Continue reading →


16
Jun 12

Pants Party 2 is one month away!

We are now one month away from Miller Park Drunk's Pants Party 2 and somehow there are still tickets available. I don't know why. It's a great deal and you get to drink with some of the coolest people around (and Tyler.) We're drinking, we're eating, we're playing games and we're giving a ton of stuff away in a raffle. It's going to be a good time. So why aren't we sold out?

Well, I have a theory. You see about a year ago I broke up with my girlfriend and somehow thought writing terrible blog posts would get her back. (It didn't. Thank god.) What I didn't think of at the time was that I sounded like a total pussy and a year later nobody would want to come to my Pants Party because they think I have no balls. Seriously, look at this:

Not trying to get too "inside baseball" here, but the truth is that when you stop being yourself you stop being someone that people like to spend time with. Being "the" Miller Park Drunk all the time was a stupid goal and I've changed in a way where that isn't what I want to do anymore, but that doesn't mean that I want to stop having great times at Brewers games.

(Excuse me I have to stab myself in the eye with a lead based pencil a few times. Be right back.) Continue reading →


03
Nov 09

Hey Ryan Braun, let’s make a movie!

Ryan Braun loves him some offseason projects. He doesn't want to be a baseball player. He wants to be Coke, he wants to be Pepsi, he wants to be Chevy, Ford and BMW. Ryan Braun isn't just an All-Star, he's a brand. The name Ryan Braun equals quality and it reaches far beyond the baseball field. Whether it's Ryan Braun's Tavern and Grille, RB8 or Remetee, he sets out to do good things. I like Ryan Braun, he impresses me.

Why should he stop here? He needs to just keep getting bigger and bigger. Obviously the next logical step is movies and boy oh boy, do I have the perfect movie pitch for you Ryan Braun. You want to be a movie star? You want to extend your brand? You want to get laid about 15,000 times more than you do now? Well, I've written you a screenplay that will BLOW YOUR MIND and surely become one of the top box office hits of 2010 (that's right, we're fast tracking this baby!) I have the story that's going to take Ryan Braun from "Major League Baseball Star" to "Bigger than Jesus, Babe Ruth, Leonardo DiCaprio and 80's Michael Jackson combined". I have the idea that is going to make Shaq and his movies like, well, Shaq movies. Are you ready for this? Are you ready for....

ryan braun jew commando

When a group of Neo-Nazi's seek to re-animate Hitler and kill all the famous Jewish people in the world, there's only one man who can stop them and his name is Ryan Braun.

It's time for this Jewish All-Star to deliver some suffering of his own - with a baseball bat!

Call me.


12
May 09

Tonight’s game will be the greatest game ever, buy your tickets now

Mr Belvedere Bob UeckerI get the feeling tonight's game is going to be awesome. Why?

How is this thing not sold out?

Yes, I am excited.

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