Jeremy Jeffress was gonna pitch, but then he got high

Baseball June 29th, 2009

high timesAs I am sure you have heard by now the (arguably) best pitching prospect in the Brewers system, Jeremy Jeffress was suspended for 100 games. He tested positive for marijuana for the second time in his career. Now, we can get into all the "smoking pot is not that bad!" stuff another time. The fact is that it's illegal to smoke pot and it's against baseball's rules to smoke pot and this guy smoked pot and got caught (twice). If he does it again and gets caught he will be banned from baseball for life. Fair? Probably not, but those are the rules and when you work in an industry where the starting paycheck is six figures you can probably stand to follow a few rules.

The best part of this whole deal, is Jeffress' manager who had the gall to say this:

"Jeremy is extremely remorseful for what happened and will be voluntarily checking himself into a rehab facility to deal with his problem," Kusnick said. "Jeremy is sick and needs help. We are here to support him in getting his life back. Right now, the most important thing is to help him get his life back, and baseball will take care of itself.

"He is sorry for letting everyone down who believes in him."

He can't possibly be serious can he? He knows we're talking about pot right? To quote Bob Saget in Half Baked "I used to suck dick for coke. Now that's an addiction. You ever suck some dick for marijuana?" You can't have a "problem" with marijuana, you can't be "sick and need help", people don't overdose on weed. If he wants to "get his life back" maybe he should just, you know, not smoke pot. That's all he has to do. There is no addiction to kick and he doesn't need rehab, he just has to put the bong down. That's it.

Unfortunately, I don't see him ever doing that. I've been around people who smoke pot my entire life. Know how many have quit? Zero. Guess what those kids getting high behind the dumpster at Burger King before a sixth grade dance are doing today? SMOKING POT! Guess what my mom is doing right now? The same thing she did when she was pregnant with me, SMOKING POT! Once you reach the point in your life when you are listening to a Phish album and think to yourself "hey, this is pretty good," you're done. It's over. You are going to smoke weed for the rest of your life. You don't care if it costs you jobs or relationships because smoking weed is fun and it makes watching professional wrestling THAT MUCH COOLER.

So don't give me that "Jeffress has a problem" crap, the only problem that Jeffress has is that he's an idiot who doesn't know how to use a Whizzinator or the internet.

10 lame insults to yell at Rockies players

Baseball June 9th, 2009

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The Colorado Rockies are coming to Miller Park tonight. The Rockies play in the West and we don't normally see them or here about them or even know they exist unless the Brewers are playing them. I know what you are thinking "What am I going to do? I know nothing about this team, but I want to heckle them!" But have no fear gentle fan, we got you covered.

  1. Todd Helton! You're old!
  2. Troy Tulo! I can't properly pronounce your last name!
  3. Welcome to sea level!
  4. Where's Cartman?
  5. Hey Ubaldo! Where's your hair?!
  6. Dexter Fowler, pee yew you stink!
  7. Alan Embree! You are even older than Helton! HA!
  8. Hey Josh Fogg, the Phish concert isn't for two weeks!
  9. You guys should stick to snowboarding!
  10. Where's Matt Holliday!?
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