I have a question for the male readers of the site. Have you ever been pondering the offseason moves of the Brewers and thought to yourself "I am glad they re-signed Craig Counsell, he's kinda hot"? I mean, everyone has had that conversation with a friend that starts like "I know you're not gay, but..." and you immediately yell out "DONNIE FROM NEW KIDS!", right? And then after having that conversation you continue on to "Okay I know you are totally straight and stuff, but which Brewers player would you have sex with if you had to?" No? You've never had that conversation with one of your buddies? Not even once? Really? Well, I guess I'll just have to tell you about it then because Tyler and I have had that conversation many, many times and we'd like to share one with you. Why? Because we are so totally okay with our sexuality that we don't care who reads it! We don't care if the guys we are writing about making sweet love to us read it, we want them to! So, like, forward this to them. Please.
Vince: Hey Tyler, I've got a question for you that's been bothering me for awhile and I want your opinion on it. If you had to have sex with a member of the Milwaukee Brewers, who would it be? Continue reading →
As the Phillies gift wrap a World Series for the Yankees, the time for offseason moves is approaching. The Hot Stove League is one of the best times of the year. Lots to think about, lots to talk about, tons of speculation and none of those pesky losses to agonize over. As the days roll on, I become more and more convinced that my favorite player, Mike Cameron, won't be back. Rumors of him signing with the Cubs swirl and all of the sudden I start to feel like this guy:
“It’s like going into church on Sunday and the priest says, `Everybody go home, Jesus has now sided with the devil,”’ [Packers fan Mark Fields, who was wearing a Favre jersey with "JUDAS" written on the back] said.
(It's okay, buddy. Have some milk and cookies then go take a nap. Everything is going to be all right.)
The consensus seems to be that Mike Cameron will not be back and that the Brewers starting center fielder for 2010 will be none other than Jody Gerut. He's cheaper, he's under team control and he could put up roughly the same numbers. To prepare for this seemingly inevitable move I keep looking at Gerut's stats, his projections, his Wikipedia page and I just can't figure him out. He just doesn't make any sense. He's either going to be a great steal and an amazing asset or one of the biggest busts in team history. I haven't been this confused since my middle school thought the best way to teach kids about sex was by watching Degrassi episodes from the 80s. Not that I was complaining. (Hey Shane, if you think you are responsible enough to handle a kid when you are in middle school maybe you shouldn't eat acid and jump off a bridge a couple years later. Just a thought.)
Yesterday I made fun of some of the people who read the JSOnline and just a few minutes later I got a sternly worded letter from my good friend Brewers Baby who was pissed off at me for stealing his thunder. "Making fun of the twats that read the Journal Suckinel is MY territory MPD," he said. I realized that he was correct and now turn the site over to him.
The good news is I will never have to play with the kids of these toolboxes. Why? Because who in their right mind would bang these losers. I thought Cervecerros day was for Latinos, not D&D nerds. There is no chance that these guys don't jerk off to The Guild.
This season the Brewers have been surrounded by controversy. Whether it was the Cardinals hating their untucking, the Pirates hating Ryan Braun, Bob Brenly hating Ryan Braun, Jason Kendall and Dave Kerwin, The Happy Douchebag against the Marlins or whatever other ridiculous controversy we've seen this season, it's always been something. There's always something going on. Well, this latest one is the last straw. The latest one stems from Prince Fielder's AWESOME walk off home run celebration. I wrote a few weeks ago that some of our favorite moments this season hadn't even happened yet. Well, guess what? This was one of them. Let's watch it again.
Watching it again I see nothing but pure joy. This has been a hard season for the team and for the fans. This was a moment to be happy, a moment to think of better times. The Brewers weren't rubbing it in the Giants faces, they were celebrating their own accomplishment and they did it in a cool way. What's wrong with that? A lot apparently.
"I did laugh. I did think it was funny. It was very creative," Hunter said. "But it's a little strong for baseball, because you could have a 90-mph fastball coming at you the next day. You've got to have toughness and heart to do that. It's not for me. If someone did that against us and we played them again, trust me, he'd get crushed, and we'd try to fight him."
Really Torii Hunter? You're going to fight someone over that? You're going to fight PRINCE FIELDER of all people? Are you that guy who freaks out at me for bumping into him? Or are you just talking? Maybe you're just talking. Afterall, he just saw this on TV. Surely, the Giants couldn't be that upset about this.
Pitching coach Dave Righetti stared so hard at Fielder as he gave a post-game interview I kept waiting for Prince's head to explode.
Well, I guess that's to be expected. I know that whenever I am mad I stare at someone intensely for ten minutes. Surely, the Brewers own manager "gets it". Right Ken?
"I was shocked, standing there"
Oh, I guess not. Is there somebody out there that can look at this thing reasonably? Anybody? How about you weird old man?
"I'm as old school as anybody but there's nothing wrong with that," said reliever David Weathers. "You've got to have some fun. I've seen a lot worse things go on than that.
"We're just trying to have some fun. It's not disrespect for the other team. It's not about them. It's about us."
I'm just going to skip over the 200 other columnists who complained about this too because what Weathers says is right. It's FUN. They want to enjoy their jobs. They want to savor their victories and really, what's wrong with that? It's not about the Giants and it's stupid for them to think that it is. This is about a silver lining on a crappy season. So can we please stop being mock offended every time the Brewers do something interesting? It's getting old. Prince's celebration needs to be what it's meant to be, a lasting image and memory for Brewers fans. Seriously, make this a shirt already.
It seems that the bandwagon is emptying at an alarming rate. I try to keep positive because, well for one it's not very smart for me to say "stop caring about baseball, the Brewers season is over! Go find another blog!" and two, it's still baseball. Crazy things happen all the time. You just never know. Of course with every loss to the Pirates, you kind of DO know.
A recent poll on Brew Crew Ball has 1% of Brewers fans saying they won't give up on the season until it's over with 83% having already given up. 83%!!!! I'm not exactly sure what this means though. If you are among the 83%, do you still care about what happens? Or have you mentally checked out? Have you moved on to football season? If this is the case, I ask you to reconsider. This Brewers season is not the one we wanted, but it's still the Brewers season. It's kind of like a bad porno. Sure, the girls aren't as hot as you expected and they're all tatt'ed up like Josh Hamilton. Sure, there is too much closeup. Sure, the plot sucks and the music is terrible. The fact of the matter is it's still a porno, it's still people having sex. Despite it's problems there are a number of good reasons to continue watching the Brewers. Just like you keep watching the porno for the T&A, you should keep watching the Brewers for these reasons (and just like in porno not one of them is a "sausage race".) Continue reading →