30
Sep 11

Tips for making a Brewers playoff baby

I have this friend named John. He is a HUGE Brewers fan and so is his dad. In fact, his dad is such a big Brewers fan that John most likely wouldn't exist if it wasn't for the Brewers 1982 World Series run. You see his parents had sex after one of the games and she got pregnant and later John was born. This kind of thing happens all the time. By my estimation I wouldn't exist if it wasn't for alcohol the series premiere of The Greatest American Hero. (You should see the way my mom cries when she hears "Believe It Or Not".) With the Brewers set to make another run toward the World Series love is definitely in the air. Our "sex in a stadium bathroom" post has been getting record hits over the last week, Bonnie Brewer outfits are completely sold out from the fetish shop I go to and even Al's Ramblings is talking to girls now. The playoffs are here, love is all around us and it is only natural that babies are going to be made as a result.

Of course, having a baby is a big decision that should not be entered into lightly and you should use caution and make bla bla bla because it's something that will affect you for the bla bla bla of your bla bla bla. Who cares!? Really. The Brewers are going to the World Series! You're going to be together with whoever you are with now forever! And you'll name your baby Rickie Prince Ryan Park Drunk Gallardo (your last name)! Everything is going to work out fine! BREWERS!!!!!

Look, you people who are going to do this you know who you are. If you're going to do this then just do it. I make mistakes that will change the rest of my life forever all the time, but if you're going to do this you need to do it right. You can't just rush into this thing, you need a gameplan. You need me to show you the way to make a Brewers playoff baby the right way. In fact, let's do that right now. Continue reading →


26
Aug 11

9 Simple Rules For Dating A Cubs Fan

There was a long period of time in my life where I actually wanted to be "the" Miller Park Drunk. It wasn't just going to be a clever name for me, it was going to be a lifestyle. I wanted to go to as many games as I possibly could, drink and eat as much as I could at those games and then wake up around noon hungover to write about my adventures on this site. That was the goal. Work hard in the winter and spend my summer drunk at Miller Park. It wouldn't be an easy thing to pull off, but I wanted to try because if there is one thing I love in this world more than myself this site and the Brewers it was being "the" Miller Park Drunk.

Last season I went to over 20 games and was drunk at many of them. I ate lots of good food at all of them. The Brewers won a few and lost a few more. I had great times and culminated the year with basically the best tailgate party ever, the Pants Party, that featured a pants-less keg stand by yours truly. I was doing it. I was living the MPD Lifestyle. The dream was becoming a reality, but that was last year and last year is over. This year? I've only been to one game.

Let that sink in for a second. The self proclaimed Miller Park Drunk has only been to one game and he only had like two beers at it. How did this happen? Why did this happen? How could this happen? Is the integrity of our universe in stable condition? Am I okay? Is this why I hardly update the site anymore? The answer to all of these questions isn't as bad as you may think it is. It's rather simple in fact, the reason that I stopped living the MPD Lifestyle is because I got a girlfriend. A girlfriend who was a Cubs fan. Continue reading →


07
Jul 10

Take a date to Miller Park

What's your name? Who's your daddy? Is he rich like me? Has he taken any time, any time to show you what you need to live? Tell it to me slowly. Tell you what? I really want to know.

That's right, Miller Park Drunk fans, it's the time of the season for loving. While some people might say that my heart turned black many years ago after it was ripped out by an evil bitch woman [I don't really mean this, baby. Come on, let's get back together! I frickin' love you okay!? GOD WHY ARE YOU BEING LIKE THIS!? ANSWER MY FACEBOOK MESSAGES ALREADY! -Ed.] the truth is that I am actually quite capable of love. In fact, I am a believer that the summer may be the best time for people to find it.

There are a lot of cool things to do with a girl during the summer. Taking a sunset walk along the beach, going to the fair and trying to look cool by winning a stuffed animal, introducing her to your parents, going kayaking or just taking her to a bar and getting drunk together (or as I like to call it "my only move") are all great things to do on a date. If you can't think of something to do with a girl during the summer you clearly aren't trying. Of course when you are thinking of things to do with a girl during the summer it's inevitable that the idea of taking them to a Brewers game will come up. Miller Park is fun and exciting and it's a great place for people to get drunk. It sounds great, but this is a very, very slippery slope. Where do you see this going? Do you like this girl? Because if you do this it just might be the ultimate test of the validity of your relationship. I'm not being facetious here, taking a date to Miller Park is SERIOUS BUSINESS and it could spell doom for any potential relationships you might have.

Which, like always, is why I am here. Here to help you through the trying times of trying to find love in the 21st century because if I can help you then maybe I can help myself and if I can help myself then there is hope for us all. Continue reading →


13
Nov 09

So ladies, you want to date Miller Park Drunk huh?

sixteencandlesI have this friend and her friend loves this site. Like loves it, loves it. This person (who I have never met) loves the site an therefore loves me. No, seriously. It's true. I am not making this up. In fact of the 480 facebook fans we have a whopping 32% of them are female! That's like 153 girls reading this site! Do you realize what this all means? Chicks frickin' dig me.

Now look girls I know that you think this is all fun and games, but this is serious business. I'm not some trollop you can just post a few comments on his website and next thing you know I'm taking you out to dinner at a fancy restaurant like Red Lobster. I'm sorry, but it just doesn't work that way. I have feelings, I have emotions, I cried at the end of Wall-E! I'm sophisticated, I watch Mad Men! You can't just mosey on in with your sexy facebook profile pictures and think you're going to horn in on all my riches and move into my lush two bedroom apartment. No, you have to be a special kind of lady to get involved with this guy. There was this one time in high school when my best friend and I made a bet that I couldn't turn the ugliest girl in school (and she was really ugly too, pig tails and glasses! gross!) into the prom queen. Well, I changed that girl and she ended up being beautiful, but she didn't win the prom, she won my heart. I made that bet before I knew her, before I really knew me and that was the night that I realized that it's not what's on the outside that counts. It's what's on the inside.

Oh, kiss me beneath the milky twilight
Lead me out on the moonlit floor
Lift your open hand
Strike up the band and make the fireflies dance
Silver moon's sparkling
So kiss me

Ahem.

Where was I at? Prom? I wonder what ever happened to that girl. Yeah, like I was really going to art school with her. Idiot. Wait, that wasn't it. Oh yeah, chicks digging me that are reading this site.

Girls if this is something that you're really interested in doing I have a few guidelines I'd like for you to follow. A few dealbreakers. A few tips. If you think you're serious about this read ahead, but proceed with caution. It's about to get real. Continue reading →


19
Oct 09

A quick word on trade rumors

zack-greinkeEarlier this week a rumor got started that the Brewers trading for Zack Greinke was IMMINENT. Not only that, but JJ Hardy, Manny Parra, Mat Gamel and Angel Salome were all going to Kansas City in exchange for him! Fox6 reported this on twitter and it was picked up by a few other outlets. I even had one of my good friends call me on the phone and ask me if I had heard we were getting Zack Greinke. My reply? "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard." And now, shockingly, it's all gone. There is no trade, it was just a silly internet rumor. Who could have seen that one coming?

Now, on paper this trade sounds great for the Brewers (well, not really because the team would still need someone to replace Parra's production and that's a lot of offense to let go of but let's just roll with this.) The Brewers would acquire the person who should win the 2009 Cy Young award. The player who was the best player at his position in the league last year and he would fill a position that the Brewers sorely need help in. They wouldn't give up a single player of their 2010 Brewers starting lineup and they'd have a great, young pitcher who is locked up for the next few years. The Brewers absolutely nailed this fake trade and we can just go ahead and pencil them in for the 2010 World Series.

Here's the thing Continue reading →

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