11
May 09

Ryan Braun, relax

Frankie says RelaxRyan Braun, I'd like to start this intervention by saying that I think you will go down as one of, if not THE, greatest Brewers of all time. Your combination of power, speed, improving everday defense and incredible bat speed make me so happy that you are on my team and not someone elses. Watching you reminds me of what it must have been like for Cardinals fans to watch Pujols, Mariners fans to watch Griffey (first time), Yankees fans to watch Mantle and Cubs fans to watch Henry Rowengartner. You are a very special player and you do some amazing things, but you need to relax.

Here's a small timeline of your weekend:

Friday: You strike out and throw your bat like you are 3 years old.
Later Friday: You hit a home run to win the game and stick your tongue out like Michael Jordan, then make a cocky trek around the bases.
Saturday: For some reason you decide to try a drag bunt and almost get hit in the head with the ball. When you get to first base you won't shut up about it.
Later Saturday: You hit a home run and basically stare down Dempster the entire trot around the bases.

When you add this to the Pittsburgh situation, I think it's about time you chill the hell out Braun. First of all, it is uncool to pout and throw your bat. You're not Jose Hernandez, if you strike out it is not the end of the world. The pitcher just won that round and as you have proven many times that you will win a later round. So relax.

Then, after openly pouting you hit a game winning home run. When you do this, you act like you are Superman. That you are four for four with fifteen home runs and eleventy runs batted in. We won the game, great. I am excited too, but you can't have it both ways. If you are going to celebrate your hits like that, you might try to mature a little bit on your outs. Relax. This is a game in May, not a game in October.

Saturday was probably the worst with your "I'm a soldier" routine (seriously, did you hang with Kellen Winslow at school?). I'm just going to break this thing down for you real quick. Throwing at people in baseball is highly discouraged by the commisioner's office. Throwing at superstars is right up there with HGH, if you do it there will be serious consequences. This isn't the 70s, bud. Not every pitcher on every team is out to get you. Quite the opposite. Yet at the same time when you act like you've been acting: whiny when you're out, cocky when you're not, ready to rumble and run your mouth when a ball gets close to you; guess what? You'll find a few guys who do want to throw at you, not a lot but a few and all it takes is one ball to your head and this whole thing is over. So RELAX. It's a long season stop pissing everyone off in May.


05
May 09

Braun’s Big Day

Yesterday I had my first softball game of the season. It was a win for The People's Champs so that was nice, but words can't really describe how tired and sore I am. Maybe I should re-think this whole Miller Park Drunk, drinking beer and eating delicious foods lifestyle (pause for laughter). Yesterday was a pretty big day for me, but it really pales in comparison to the day of Ryan Braun.

Ryan Braun

/wakes up

/pisses excellent

Ryan Braun: Well I am off to the doctor for my MRI now.

20 minutes later...

DOCTOR: Ryan, there is nothing wrong with you.

Ryan Braun: Yay!

DOCTOR: In fact you are a perfect human being. You are what Hitler had in mind when he seeked to create a super-race, which is ironic because..

Ryan Braun: Sorry Doc, can't talk. I have to get to Pittsburgh.

/gets into car

Ryan Braun: Oh no I need gas.

/stops at gas station

GIRLS: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WE ARE TOTALLY FREAKING OUT

/smiles

GAS STATION ATTENDANT: Don't worry Mister Braun, this one's on me!

Ryan Braun: Sweet!

/drives down the block, a mad woman runs up to his car

MAD WOMAN: My baby! My baby! Someone save my baby!

/runs into burning house

/saves baby

/smiles

/arrives at airport and gets on the plane

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: For your in flight movie we will be showing The Goonies.

Ryan Braun: Yeah!

Two hours later..

/checks cellphone, 1 new text message

DIGITAL KEN MACHA: we r down 2 we need u k? lol ttyl

Ryan Braun: I don't think he knows what lol means.

/arrives at ballpark instantaneously

/dresses in a matter of seconds

/pinch hits

/hits game-tying double

/smiles

[pic via CuteSports]


28
Apr 09

Chat transcript

I have sources inside Miller Park. I don't like to brag about this, but I do. One of my sources tipped me off today about the Ryan Braun/John Hirschbeck conversation after Braun was hit squarely in the back yesterday. Here for your reading pleasure is inside access that you won't find anywhere else, the complete chat transcript between Ryan Braun, umpire John Hirschbeck and Ken Macha.

Ryan Braun Hold me back, man. Hold me back.
John Hirschbeck Calm down take your base.

/warns both teams

Relax.

Ryan Braun I ain't a killer but don't push me.
John Hirschbeck Okay, take your base.
Ryan Braun Revenge is like the sweetest joy next to getting pussy.
John Hirschbeck Come on Ryan, just take the base. Let's not make this worse than it is.
Ryan Braun My adversaries crumble when we rumble. It's a catastrophe.
John Hirschbeck Are you just quoting 2pac songs?
Ryan Braun Bust him to see if he bleed, he shoulda never messed around with a sick-ass ninja like me. They call my name out and ninjas run.
John Hirschbeck Do you even have the uncensored version?
Ryan Braun ...
Brewers Macha Baseball WESTSIDE!!!!!1
Brewers Macha Baseball THUG LIFE BAY-BEEEE!

ARF! ARF!

John Hirschbeck /sighs

At least nobody spit in my face.


22
Apr 09

Game Thoughts: Thoughts of the Game LOLBREWERS edition

Not much to say about yesterday's game really. They lost, badly. What better time to debut a new feature, LOLBREWERS.

Manny Parra LOLBREWERS

JJ Hardy LOLBREWERS

Ryan Braun LOLBREWERS


16
Apr 09

I <3 Mike Cameron

Mike CameronA good friend of mine hates Mike Cameron. I mean, HATES. He's one of these people that thinks strikeouts somehow count for more outs than any other out. I am not one of these people. I love people who are above average defensively, hit home runs and steal bases. I don't care if they strikeout as long as when they make contact it counts. Maybe this is from years of playing fantasy baseball, maybe it's because I like a little pain with my pleasure. Either way, I love Mike Cameron. After Rickie Weeks he's my favorite player on the team (I have issues.) Obviously I LOVED yesterday's game where he went 3-3 with 3 RBIs, two HRs, 3 Runs and a walk. (Of course, I don't really understand why he couldn't do this at the four games I went to (you'd think he'd want to impress his biggest fan), but I digress.) Mike Cameron playing like this at the beginning of the season where he has struggled throughout his career is something to get excited about. I can't believe the team ever seriously considered trading him for Melky Cabrera. Sure, it was a pure salary dump but do you realize that Cabrera is just a backup now (and before Nady got hurt the 2nd backup)? Mike Cameron is one of the top 5 Center fielders in the National League. That'd be like trading Alex P. Keaton for Skippy. Skippy isn't taking you to the playoffs. Or the homecoming dance. I don't know about you, but I want the Wolf.

Think about this in tailgating terms. You've got the whole set up. You start with the most important thing which is the beer (Ryan Braun), then you have the bags (Prince Fielder), the food (JJ Hardy and Corey Hart), your friends (Yovani, Weeks, Hall) and the close proximity to the port-o-potty (the bullpen, whoever I forgot). You are all set up for a good day at the park. You can have a good time with just these things, right? Of course, but isn't your day a lot better if someone brought chairs (Mike Cameron)? That's what Mike Cameron brings to the table. You don't necessarily need him, but you are a lot better off with him and at the end of the day a lot happier too.