03
May 12

Local Man Finds Milwaukee Brewers Woes Accurately Reflect His Own Personal Failures

RACINE, WI -- While Milwaukee Brewers fans statewide are trying to figure out what exactly is going on with their local baseball team's string of bad luck, there is one local man who saw it all coming and claims that the Milwaukee Brewers recent troubles are an accurate reflection of every bad thing that has happened to him in his life.

"Baseball is supposed to be an escape, you know? Something fun to take you away from all the bad things happening in your life, but not this year," said Josh Stevens, 35, who is between jobs right now and not really sure how he's going to pay last month's rent. "Everything that has happened to the Brewers this year just reminds me more and more how much of a mess I've made of my life."

"It actually started last year when he broke up with his girlfriend Anna," his roommate Chaz confirmed, "she dumped him right before the playoffs started and he kept saying that if the Brewers won the World Series they would get back together, but we all know that didn't happen. I don't think she even talks to him anymore."

Stevens reportedly started feeling better as the season began, but that ray of light in his life quickly diminished when he was fired from his job at Culver's just days after the Brewers lost their season opening series to the Cardinals, losing two games to one by a combined score of 20-14.

"I had tickets to two of the first three games and I had to work the other day. Guess which day that was? Oh, and I had to sit next to a bunch of Cardinal fans which made it even worse," Stevens admitted that he realizes that it is a long season and losses happen, but the series just completely drained him of any hope. "I went into work Monday and my boss told me that I was working the register, like he didn't even ask and I didn't want to do it after the weekend I'd just had so I told him no way. Then he just started freaking out on me about acting immature or something and then he fired me for no reason. I mean, who acts like that? I tried to tell him I had a bad weekend, but he didn't care. Nobody ever does."

When reached for comment his former manager noted that he was "36 and working the grill at Culver's. I truly hope he gets his life together."

While Stevens believes the Brewers woes align with his failures, their success does not seem to have the same effect on his personal life. According to a source close to Stevens it is quite the opposite.

"I wanted to cheer him up after losing his job so I took him to the Brewers game where they beat the Dodgers in extra innings which was a great game to be at. My company has great season tickets so I used those and we tailgated before too," his step brother Marcus, a 26 year old engineer, told us "but then as soon as we sit down he sees a girl that he thinks is his ex-girlfriend with her boyfriend two rows down. He went catatonic, like Cameron in Ferris Bueller style catatonic. I tried to get him to chill out, but he wouldn't. I didn't get it. Like they only really dated for a couple of months and she wasn't even that good looking, but there he was crying like a baby. The sad part is I don't even think it was her."

The pain didn't stop there for Stevens either. When the Brewers lost starting pitcher Chris Narveson for the season with a rotator cuff injury, Stevens suffered an injury of his own.

"I was trying to help my mom clean her gutters, you know help her out for a couple extra bucks, when I reach into one and cut my hand on the metal. There was blood everywhere and I coulda sworn I needed a tetanus shot," Stevens, who is still looking for work if anyone knows of anything, said "I asked my mom to take me to the hospital for stitches, but she just gave me a band-aid. That's when I told her to forget about it and to clean her own gutters. Forget that. She never even paid me for the work I did before I got hurt either."

To make matters worse for Stevens, Milwaukee also lost its first baseman Mat Gamel. Stevens owns a Mat Gamel shirsey that he claims "wasn't cheap" and says he had a lot invested in the young hitter this season.

"Prince leaving last season reminded me a lot of when my dad left me when I was a kid. I was hoping Gamel could step in and fill the void he left, but once he went down injured I knew it wasn't going to happen. He's just like Marcus's dad Ken. He always played catch with Marcus, but never with me. I'm not jealous or anything, but it just wasn't right you know?"

Stevens, wearing sweatpants in public, says that he isn't too optimistic about the Brewers playoff chances this season or his chances of finding a new job. Or a new girlfriend for that matter.

"What's the point, really? Why try? Look at Mat Gamel he tried to catch a foul ball and he tears his ACL. Season over. You put yourself out there and you get burned. I gave my heart to Anna and I gave my blood, sweat and tears to Culver's and where did it get me? Nowhere. If I was the Brewers I would just stop playing now. Suppan shut you out, just give up. Trying isn't worth it. Trust me."


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14
Jan 10

MPD Movie Review: Sugar

sugarmovieSometimes I will read a synopsis of a movie or see a trailer for a movie and decide that I am going to love it before I even see it. I like good movies. I like baseball. So when I heard about the movie "Sugar" I was really, really excited about it. Here's the synopsis:

Miguel Santos, a.k.a Azucar, a Dominican pitcher from San Pedro de Macoris, struggles to make it to the big leagues and pull himself and his family out of poverty. Playing professionally at the Kansas City Knights baseball academy, Miguel finally gets his break at age 19 when he advances to the United States' minor league system. Miguel travels from his tight knit community in the Dominican Republic to a small town in Iowa, corn country, where he and a couple other Latin American teammates are the only Spanish-speaking people in the vicinity.

That sounds pretty cool, right? Add an estranged wife and child and you could call it "The Alcides Escobar Story". The movie got great reviews, scoring 93% on Rotten Tomatoes and was called the best sports movie of 2009 by Bill Simmons. I had to see this movie, right?

Well, I did and I HATED it. (spoilers ahead) Continue reading →


25
Nov 09

Thanksgiving Drunkstravaganza

thanksgivingI love Thanksgiving so, so very much. It combines a few of my favorite pastimes: overeating, drinking heavily, not doing anything, punching family members in the face.  If we could figure out a way to transfer Thanksgiving to the parking lot at Miller Park in mid-August this would be the greatest holiday of all. It still is (why? none of that whiny God shit), but that would make it just that much better like a finger in your asshole during a blowjob. I mean, ummm.... I just... uhh, ummm yeah. So ANYWAYS, Thanksgiving is awesome and I like to consider myself an expert in the holiday. Do I know how to cook turkey and do stuff with the gizard and whatnot? Fuck no. I know how to make this holiday legendary. I know how to turn Thanksgiving into Thanksfuckingyeahgiving. Want to have an awesome holiday? Tired of deciding to go to the movies because you are so bored? Tired of pretending to care about a Cowboys game or using mock outrage that you don't get the NFL Network? Miller Park Drunk is here to guide you through the greatest holiday of them all. Continue reading →


17
Nov 09

Brandon Jennings and the Bucks

According to an extremely small sample size of my twitter followers the Bucks aren't quite back, but Brandon Jennings definitely has their attention. Following one player over the rest of the team seems about par for the course for an NBA team so this isn't very surprising. Personally I make no qualms about liking the Bucks now specifically because of this one player so I don't really have a problem with it. He's awesome and it's certainly better than not liking the Bucks at all right? But the more I thought about it, the more I thought that while this sort of behavior is perfectly acceptable for you and me maybe the rest of the Bucks players don't feel the same way. Everyone I talk to says that the past few games at the Bradley Center have been the loudest they have been to in years and it's all because of this one guy. That can't do much for Andrew Bogut's self esteem, right? Then again, what do I know about the Bucks locker room? It's not like I have ever been inside of it, recording their conversations and dictating them on the internet. OR HAVE I. Continue reading →


10
Nov 09

MPD Book Club: The Book of Basketball

brooksteppeBill Simmons is a writer for ESPN that you probably have heard of. He's probably the biggest "celebrity" writer on the internet and is responsible for roughly 1/5 of the posts at Deadspin. Despite influencing roughly every sports blog on the internet and setting a gold standard that anyone who thinks that it's a good idea to write on the internet should try to attain, he is one of the most divisive figures in the sports blogging world. Often accused of being smug, a name dropper and overusing the same references time and time again (I once emailed him begging him to stop with the Battle of the Network Stars references) Simmons is generally un-apologetic over his style. His style is his style. He has his fans (which I count myself as one) and his detractors, but in the end there's not much you can say negatively about him. His "voice of the fan" perspective has become skewered a bit over the years, but it still is a "voice of the fan" because when it comes to baseball, the NFL or gambling on the NFL he doesn't know what he's talking about most of the time (just like a real fan.) However, when it comes to basketball Bill Simmons leaves the "voice of the fan" behind and becomes something wholly different, one of the greatest living basketball writers alive.

Now, I've never been the biggest basketball guy. I think it's a great sport to watch, but there have been one too many times in my lifetime when the officials have clearly affected the outcome of a game and you can't tell me any different that the league didn't influence these decisions. The most egregious example would of course be the Dallas/Miami Finals from a couple of years back. I know that I'm not the only one who feels this way and was completely turned off by this series, but somehow the NBA always finds ways to pull me back in. Whether it's Lebron James or Brandon Jennings, I always find a reason to end up watching some games and a lot of this can probably be attributed to the writing of Bill Simmons. His passion for the game in his columns is infectious and there have been more than a few times I have ended up watching a playoff series because he will not shut up about it (Bulls/Celtics from last season is a great example.) When I found out that Bill Simmons had written a 700 page book about basketball I pre-ordered it right away. I've always enjoyed him as a writer and he is far too serious about the sport of basketball to mess this up. When The Book of Basketball arrived eight days ago I dug right in and I wasn't disappointed. Continue reading →

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