24
Jan 12

Prince Fielder signs with the Detroit Tigers

Well here it is. The day we always knew would arrive has finally come and Prince Fielder is officially no longer a member of the Milwaukee Brewers. Some held out hope that the Brewers still had a chance and that the lack of big offers coming in early meant that he'd accept the Brewers original 5 year offer. It was a nice dream, but a dream that ultimately would never come to fruition. The Brewers made their pitch, Scott Boras didn't think it was good enough and that was that. We moved on, signed other guys and played the waiting game on Prince. We waited and waited and waited some more. We waited so long that we started saying things like "Maybe Prince will decide to be a free agent next year instead and come back on a 1-year deal!" We convinced ourselves that there wasn't an offer over 6 years out there and if that was all there was then we could match it, we could get Prince back! With Prince Fielder coming back the Brewers would be better than last year, heck, they'd be better than ever!

And then Prince Fielder signed a 9 year two-hundred-and-fourteen million dollar deal with Detroit.

I won't get too into the place where Prince Fielder decided to sign too much because who cares, but I will say this: it was about the money. It wasn't about playing first base because the Tigers already have a first baseman (who could move to thrid and be bad) and a catcher (who should probably move to first in the next couple years.) He'll be a DH in a year tops. It wasn't about winning (even though they are a lock for the AL Central for at least the next two years) because they are still in the AL and have to go through Boston and/or New York to get to the World Series. It wasn't about family because the chances of his family getting shot/hooked on drugs/turned out just went up about 5000%.

The reason Prince Fielder is a Detroit Tiger is because of the money and that's pretty much the only reason he is a Detroit Tiger. This isn't a bad thing. If someone is going to offer that to him he deserves it and he should take it. The Brewers certainly weren't going to (and thank god for that.) Good for you Prince. Get that money dog. I wish someone would pay me $214 dollars to write this site for the next nine years. I can't imagine what I'd do if you added six zeroes after that. That being said, Detroit? Really?

(While we're here how the hell does Detroit have the money to offer contracts like this? The population has dropped 25% in the last decade, the auto industry is a thing of the past and the city itself is going bankrupt. If I owned that team I'd be less concerned with Prince Fielder and more concerned with getting the hell out of Detroit.)

But enough about that, let's talk about Prince Fielder in Milwaukee. Continue reading →


19
Jan 11

Prince Fielder is the highest paid Milwaukee Brewer of all time

Milwaukee, WI -- Prince Fielder settled his arbitration case with the Milwaukee Brewers and will now make $15.5 million dollars to play in 2011 making him the highest paid Milwaukee Brewer of all time. He gets a $5m raise over last season and has now made over $36.7 million in his Brewers playing career. He surpasses teammate Zack Greinke and former Brewer Jeff Suppan to become the highest paid player in team history.

"I still made $42 million from that team in my career so I don't really care." Said Jeff Suppan when asked about losing the team record. "Prince still can't touch me there."

Added Suppan "Can I get a plug in? Print this article out for 15% off your next meal at Soup's. Don't miss $5 Fridays and our Fast Pitch lunch specials. Go Cardinals."

Fielder doesn't know what he plans to do with the money, but according to his wife he is going to save every penny. "Prince has another thing coming if he thinks he's going to spend all that money on a fancy new car or something for himself. That money is going straight to me and the kids. College fund, school clothes, braces, books, toys, Justin Bieber performing at their birthday party; only the best for our kids and don't forget about me. Don't even think about forgetting about me Prince" said Chanel, who does all the hard work around here anyway. "Prince can keep driving the mini van. There's nothing wrong with it."

When reached for comment Fielder's agent Scott Boras just threw money in the air and laughed maniacally. Our attempts to follow up failed when his secretary said that he was "super crunk" from drinking a virgin's blood and that it'd be best to leave.

According to long time teammate Corey Hart it would be a good idea for Prince, who has been a vegetarian since 2008, to go get a cheeseburger from McDonalds.

"He's always going on about how when he was a kid he did a McDonalds commercial with his dad and Cecil didn't buy him a cheeseburger. 'A double cheeseburger was only $1.19!' he says it every time we pass a McDonalds. It's like you're a millionaire just buy yourself a cheeseburger, man."

Fielder has also expressed some worry about his new found fortune. "I just keep hearing about how more money means more problems and that doesn't sound very cool. And then I heard this song that was like 'money must be funny in a rich man's world' which I have no idea what that meant, but it doesn't sound good. Really catchy though."

At press time, Fielder decided it was best not to spend any money and stick with the 2008 Honda Odyssey he'd been driving for the past three years. "It's just been so good to us, you know?"

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