2012 Brewers Sexual Innuendos

Baseball, milwaukee brewers, Off-Base May 21st, 2012

We got your innuendos right HEEEEERE!!!

There's a lot to talk about in terms of the Milwaukee Brewers right now. Team savior Carlos Gomez is back after a short DL stint, Corey Hart got a start at first base, Brooks Conrad was sent back to Nashville (though we can't be entirely sure he was ever even promoted in the first place), Jonathan Lucroy matched Cesar Izturis' lifetime RBI total in one game, and the team remains mired in its prolonged slump.

Really, I don't even know where to begin. So, instead, I'll just add some updates to Miller Park Drunk's ever-growing list of Brewers sexual innuendos because that seems like more fun right now.

Vince wrote a staggering 50 of them last year. Working with his solid foundation, I figured 25 or so more should do the trick. So strap on your perv helmets (a strap-on dildo affixed to your forehead or a toupee made of pubic hair you found in a hospital dumpster) and enjoy our 2012 Brewers Sexual Innuendos.

1. I'm gonna Rollie Fingers up and down your Kottaras.
2. Now it Burnitz when I pee. Still worth it.
3. Would you be my (Jose) Valentine?
4. She can Dusseldorf my brat any time.
5. I wish there was a hotline to see when her roof is open!
6. You should see her Bob Wick, man!
7. I can't promise it'll be a Kwik Trip to her mound.
8. I also usually score when I attempt the squeeze play.
9. I've seen Manny Parra titties in my day, but yours are my favorite
10. Uecker? I Hardly Know Her!
11. I'm not into sausage races. I'm more of a sausage MARATHON kind of guy.
12. Somewhere in Japan, Ichiro Jones also has a massive erection.
13. I'm always up for a double switch.
14. My section is anything but nut free on select home games.
15. Sedar? You brought her!
16. The foot of my bed is also considered the Kalahari Splash Zone. You see, this is a reference to squirting.
17. After I mishandle your urine, you'll get off too.
18. I want to take my K-Rod to your Ax Wound (I got outside help on this one).
19. Girl, I'm gonna make you an honorary Maysonet after I brick all up in your snizz.
20. Let's see how Mike Hunt handles this column.
21. I'm going to ruin you worse than the Jeffrey Hammonds signing ruined the Brewers of the early 2000s.
22. By the time you're done hitting the headboard, you'll forget Jeff Liefer was ever on the Brewers... I mean, again.
23. You're going to Chulk on it, baby.
24. They call me Dick Weeks 'cuz I got penis for days and days.
25. You, me, a single occupancy bathroom on the 400 level, a bottle of Secret Stadium Sauce. You fill in the rest.

BONUS -- fellow MPD contributor Stephanie emailed a few innuendos of her own.

26.Well obvs. Marcum writes itself, ahhaha 'cum'
27. Kameron, blow my Loe'd/load
28. I'll put your Norichika in my Aoki
29. I'd take a peek at KRod's meat rod
30. I'd get sticky from Rickie
31. Tickle my Clittaras/Kottaras
32. I wouldn't mind giving you a Dirty Gomez
33. I just shaved my warning track
34. I'd take a yank on Grienke's crank
35. I'd let the MVP get in my VAG

Have any to add? Put 'em in the comments. You know, or don't. Whatever.

Tips for making a Brewers playoff baby

milwaukee brewers September 30th, 2011

I have this friend named John. He is a HUGE Brewers fan and so is his dad. In fact, his dad is such a big Brewers fan that John most likely wouldn't exist if it wasn't for the Brewers 1982 World Series run. You see his parents had sex after one of the games and she got pregnant and later John was born. This kind of thing happens all the time. By my estimation I wouldn't exist if it wasn't for alcohol the series premiere of The Greatest American Hero. (You should see the way my mom cries when she hears "Believe It Or Not".) With the Brewers set to make another run toward the World Series love is definitely in the air. Our "sex in a stadium bathroom" post has been getting record hits over the last week, Bonnie Brewer outfits are completely sold out from the fetish shop I go to and even Al's Ramblings is talking to girls now. The playoffs are here, love is all around us and it is only natural that babies are going to be made as a result.

Of course, having a baby is a big decision that should not be entered into lightly and you should use caution and make bla bla bla because it's something that will affect you for the bla bla bla of your bla bla bla. Who cares!? Really. The Brewers are going to the World Series! You're going to be together with whoever you are with now forever! And you'll name your baby Rickie Prince Ryan Park Drunk Gallardo (your last name)! Everything is going to work out fine! BREWERS!!!!!

Look, you people who are going to do this you know who you are. If you're going to do this then just do it. I make mistakes that will change the rest of my life forever all the time, but if you're going to do this you need to do it right. You can't just rush into this thing, you need a gameplan. You need me to show you the way to make a Brewers playoff baby the right way. In fact, let's do that right now. Read the rest of this entry »