In case you haven't heard the Brewers have added a new service for fans to report people behaving badly. All you have to do is text them and they'll take care of it. I think this is a great service and would hate to see it abused by some fans. That's why we're here with...
YOUR GUIDE TO TEXTING THE MILWAUKEE BREWERS
When texting the Brewers, please spell everything correctly. "drnk n 125 no sht on yllng" will get you nowhere.
Don't use the texting service as a way to get in touch with Brewers players. "JJ: 36/24/36, call me 414xxxxxxx" will not be accepted.
No lols. This one hurts me, but it's true. We can't have lols in texts. So "dude just punched out cub fan in rf lol!" isn't going to cut it. Sorry.
No texting after 2AM. Nothing good ever happens after 2AM.
If you see The Happy Youngster feel free to make something up about him and text it.
I'm pretty interested to see how this turns out. It could easily turn into a case of he said/she said and there are a lot of people out there who are simply too easily offended. The only thing I'll say about it for now is this: use it to your advantage, get The Happy Youngster thrown out of games.
Yesterday I had my first softball game of the season. It was a win for The People's Champs so that was nice, but words can't really describe how tired and sore I am. Maybe I should re-think this whole Miller Park Drunk, drinking beer and eating delicious foods lifestyle (pause for laughter). Yesterday was a pretty big day for me, but it really pales in comparison to the day of Ryan Braun.
Ryan Braun: Well I am off to the doctor for my MRI now.
20 minutes later...
DOCTOR: Ryan, there is nothing wrong with you.
Ryan Braun: Yay!
DOCTOR: In fact you are a perfect human being. You are what Hitler had in mind when he seeked to create a super-race, which is ironic because..
Ryan Braun: Sorry Doc, can't talk. I have to get to Pittsburgh.
"Luther said I could learn some things from you. I already know how to drink" - The Sting
Of course you know how to drink. I wouldn't doubt it for a second. You've probably never had too much to drink and thrown up. Or said something you shouldn't have. Fell down, been thrown out of a bar, attempted a backflip or chewed your arm off to get away from a girl you woke up next to. You've probably never kissed a dude because you thought it would be funny or split your pants or threw up at a bar ON the bar. You know how to drink, you wouldn't do these things.
Here's the thing, I have. I've done all those things. I have done more stupid things while I was drunk then pretty much everyone you've ever met. I've ruined more relationships, spilled more tequilla on myself, sent more regrettable texts and had more heads shaken at me (oh, you) than my entire readership combined. Is this something I'm proud of? Of course not. I wish I could drink like a normal person and do normal things. I wish I had more than three readers. It's just that when I drink I am fairly certain that I can do a standing backflip and will later have to throw up. These things happen. So while you may think you know how to drink, I'm going to tell you how NOT to drink at Opening Day. It's my pleasure, really.