What are you running for, Corey Hart?

Baseball December 10th, 2009

I am nothing if not a people pleaser so when a commenter requested that we do a story about the Brewers being more open to running next year and "what the Brewers are running from?" I had to oblige and present you THE RUNNING SERIES.

Phillies Brewers Baseball

Hi, I'm Corey Hart of the Milwaukee Brewers and I want to be your next county commissioner. Are you tired of those potholes on route 11? Are you sick of the graffiti on traffic signs? Can you tell me a good reason we can't turn left on Sage when coming from Swallowtail Drive? Are you, like me, fed up with my opponents lies and rhetoric when it comes to the well being of our beloved county? If you're not you should be and that's why I need good people like you to come support me in this crucial election to decide our county's future. Let's look at the facts. Read the rest of this entry »

Winter Meeting Madness

Uncategorized December 8th, 2009

randywolfSo, you've probably noticed this site has been kind of quiet as of late. I think I actually saw a little dust collecting on the header. You're probably thinking that Miller Park Drunk is another in the long line of Brewers blogs that got tired of doing it and closed up shop without ever telling anyone, but I assure you that is not the case here. Why would we quit when Seth McClung is thanking the author by name and apologizing for his typing? (You're forgiven.) Why would I quit when there are all these chicks dying to sleep with me? Why would I quit when Ryan Braun's restaurant hasn't even opened yet? Clearly, the world isn't ready to let us quit.

No, the reason you haven't been reading much here lately is because we don't write about bullshit. (Unless, of course, we are the ones making up said bullshit.) I don't want to speculate about silly rumors and then find out later that they weren't true. I don't want to attack an acquisition that never happens. It's just not our style.

The thing with these rumors is they are always ridiculous. Doug Melvin could be in line at a Starbucks where Mark Mulder has been working as a barista and all of the sudden we are on the verge of signing him. Read the rest of this entry »

Thanksgiving Drunkstravaganza

Off-Base November 25th, 2009

thanksgivingI love Thanksgiving so, so very much. It combines a few of my favorite pastimes: overeating, drinking heavily, not doing anything, punching family members in the face.  If we could figure out a way to transfer Thanksgiving to the parking lot at Miller Park in mid-August this would be the greatest holiday of all. It still is (why? none of that whiny God shit), but that would make it just that much better like a finger in your asshole during a blowjob. I mean, ummm.... I just... uhh, ummm yeah. So ANYWAYS, Thanksgiving is awesome and I like to consider myself an expert in the holiday. Do I know how to cook turkey and do stuff with the gizard and whatnot? Fuck no. I know how to make this holiday legendary. I know how to turn Thanksgiving into Thanksfuckingyeahgiving. Want to have an awesome holiday? Tired of deciding to go to the movies because you are so bored? Tired of pretending to care about a Cowboys game or using mock outrage that you don't get the NFL Network? Miller Park Drunk is here to guide you through the greatest holiday of them all. Read the rest of this entry »

Zack Hample, Conan O’Brien and why ballhawking is still a bad choice

Baseball October 14th, 2009

I like to think that I am the world's foremost expert on d-bags who wear gloves to a baseball game. When I am asked to go on CNN to comment on the Happy Youngster's inevitable serial killing spree, I want it to to look like this.

cnnpic

I can talk and write about this topic forever. They never stop being fun to make fun of. I know the ins and outs of the game and in some ways I'm the Bill James of the hating-ballhawks community. So you should know that NOTHING on this planet gave me more pleasure than seeing Conan O'Brien give him the business on the Tonight Show. In case you missed it: Read the rest of this entry »

Braun’s Big Day

Baseball, Shop May 5th, 2009

Yesterday I had my first softball game of the season. It was a win for The People's Champs so that was nice, but words can't really describe how tired and sore I am. Maybe I should re-think this whole Miller Park Drunk, drinking beer and eating delicious foods lifestyle (pause for laughter). Yesterday was a pretty big day for me, but it really pales in comparison to the day of Ryan Braun.

Ryan Braun

/wakes up

/pisses excellent

Ryan Braun: Well I am off to the doctor for my MRI now.

20 minutes later...

DOCTOR: Ryan, there is nothing wrong with you.

Ryan Braun: Yay!

DOCTOR: In fact you are a perfect human being. You are what Hitler had in mind when he seeked to create a super-race, which is ironic because..

Ryan Braun: Sorry Doc, can't talk. I have to get to Pittsburgh.

/gets into car

Ryan Braun: Oh no I need gas.

/stops at gas station

GIRLS: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WE ARE TOTALLY FREAKING OUT

/smiles

GAS STATION ATTENDANT: Don't worry Mister Braun, this one's on me!

Ryan Braun: Sweet!

/drives down the block, a mad woman runs up to his car

MAD WOMAN: My baby! My baby! Someone save my baby!

/runs into burning house

/saves baby

/smiles

/arrives at airport and gets on the plane

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: For your in flight movie we will be showing The Goonies.

Ryan Braun: Yeah!

Two hours later..

/checks cellphone, 1 new text message

DIGITAL KEN MACHA: we r down 2 we need u k? lol ttyl

Ryan Braun: I don't think he knows what lol means.

/arrives at ballpark instantaneously

/dresses in a matter of seconds

/pinch hits

/hits game-tying double

/smiles

[pic via CuteSports]

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