ATENCION: Miller Park Drunk is throwing a tailgate party. No, Miller Park Drunk is throwing the BEST TAILGATE PARTY in the WORLD. It's on Sunday July 27th and you can buy tickets. It will be amazing and you don't want to miss it. Click here for more info.
I thought we were over this, you know? Ryan Braun, he of the 18 missed games and "paltry" .837 OPS, was supposed to be over being the most hated man in baseball. It was a long time ago in the 24/7 news cycle/twitter age and he isn't the best hitter in baseball anymore. Heck, he's not even the best hitter on his own team anymore. People should really find something else to obsess over.
But not Kirk Gibson. Nope. The manager of the Arizona Diamondbacks still remembers 2011, when he was relevant and Braun was using PEDs to hit .500 when the Brewers eliminated the Diamondbacks. He won't forget that. That was his time to shine and Ryan Braun's drug use took that away. Or something. Who knows? All I know is that Kirk Gibson ordered the code red:
So the other day I tell someone my name. I say "Hey, my name is Vince" and they get all excited and say "Whaaat!? VINCE!? You must be Italian!" Umm, no I'm not actually. "HUH!?" they say, "How would you ever get the name Vince if you weren't Italian?" Because that's what my parents named me when I was born?
The thing is that this isn't the first time this has happened to me. It happens all the time. Like several times per year. I wonder if this ever happens to Vince Carter. Or Vincent Jackson. Or Vince McMahon. I bet Vince McMahon would murder someone for saying something like that.
So, why do people think that Italians own the name Vince? When I was looking in a baby name book I didn't see an asterisk next to the name Vince and big bold letters that said ITALIANS ONLY. Was there supposed to be? Am I breaking some sort of name code? Am I going to get whacked?
Going to try something new on Fridays that we'll call TRL Friday. Basically you (you) send me questions on Twitter and I (Vince) answer them here on the blog. (I should admit I stole this idea from my buddy Tom.) I'll keep doing it as long as I get questions. So hit me up @millerparkdrunk hashtag TRL AOL keyword baseball Ask Jeeves. Cool? Cool. Now let's go.
mgnirk asks if we think Doug Melvin's job is in jeopardy.
Short answer: No.
Long answer: Hell no.
While this season has been a huge disappointment and Mark Attanasio is probably not too happy about it he still has to realize what a great team Doug Melvin put together. He absolutely nailed the Aramis Ramirez and Norichika Aoki signings. The Lucroy extension is looking good. The rotation has been one of the better ones around and that's with Shaun Marcum missing a large amount of time with an injury. You can't fire your GM for the bullpen's performance especially when your top two (who never had ERAs close to 4 in their career) post 5+ ERAs. I don't think anyone could have seen that coming. One of the two maybe, but no way both.
In retrospect they probably should have gotten another decent bullpen arm in the offseason. Jose Veras was basically expected to be the number three guy out there and, well, maybe someone who is traded straight up for Casey McGehee isn't the best choice for that role. Just saying.
SecondHandStore wants to know which APOCALYPSE would be worse: Cat, Duck, Zombie, or Robot?
Well, obviously, the answer is robot. Have you seen the future in the Terminator movies? That place is bleak, man. There is nothing redeeming about that place whatsoever. It's like Detroit, but everywhere.
There has been so much zombie stuff on TV and in movies over the past few years that I feel like a zombie apocalypse wouldn't even be that big of a deal. We all know how to kill them, we would all really get off on the fact that we get to kill them and the whole thing would be over in a day or two.
As for the apocalypse I fear the most? Cat apocalypse. They don't make enough Zyrtec in the world for my allergies to handle a Cat apocalypse.
BMWolf7 asks if Rickie Weeks would be faster with less hair.
Who am I, Bill Nye? I don't know science, man.
How about this question: Is it time for Rickie Weeks to get a new hairstyle? The answer is yes.
In 2009 I wrote a post about Rickie looking like Play from Kid N' Play and I am pretty sure he hasn't cut his hair since. Is this Intervention worthy? It does look pretty cool, but enough is enough man. You aren't joining SOJA.
timmyt3477 is wondering if there is a Miller Park Stoner and if not wonders where he can apply.
I don't think there is a Miller Park Stoner, but if I had to do it all over again I might have went with that. (Actually, I wouldn't because I have preemie lungs and smoking makes me cough, but still hear me out.)
Think about it. Drinking makes you all emotional. Last night I drank a bottle of wine and started watching an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer where Angel breaks up with her, but then she goes to the prom and her class gives her an award for saving their lives so many times and then Angel shows up for one last dance. You know what happened? Tears started coming out of my face because of an episode of a TV show that aired 13 years ago. This is definitely the alcohol's fault and not because I am a huge pussy. Drinking is the worst.
Oh, but what does weed do to you? It relaxes you. It makes you feel good. It expands your mind, man. Did you watch yesterday's Brewers loss to the Cubs? With K-Rod blowing the lead and Alfonso Soriano (really) hitting the game winning single? Did you see that? Wasn't it terrible? Now imagine it ON WEED. It was kind of awesome, wasn't it? You saw deep into the soul of this baseball team and saw a scared white tiger that didn't know it's own strength. When Alfonso Soriano hit that ball it didn't phase you. You ate like three bags of Cheetos and stared at your orange fingers for an hour. It was like looking at the back of a five dollar bill, but better. You probably don't even remember who won and you don't care. Why? Because you got glow sticks, that's why. Being the Miller Park Stoner would be awesome. Although I imagine you won't get much writing done.
I guess? I mean, he's really good at baseball and if he wants to play here under a reasonable deal it's pretty hard to say no to that. He's been the 9th best pitcher by WAR in all of baseball over the past three seasons so having a guy like that on your team would be pretty awesome.
That being said I am not really in love with the idea and won't be upset if they don't even try. For one Zack Greinke is going to be really expensive and not only that he'll also require a lot of years which is what always gets you on those contracts. In 2019 I don't want my son bitching about this old weirdo who sucks taking up roster space and payroll. That wouldn't be fun for me. (Then again who even knows if there will be baseball in 2019 after the Cat Apocalypse.) Besides isn't it always fun to start fresh with someone new? Mike Fiers might not be even half as good as Greinke, but he's new and exciting. It's fun to see what he'll do next. We know what Greinke will do next and it will either be really awesome or really frustrating. Forget that. Getting back Zack Greinke would be like getting back together with your high school girlfriend. Sure, she might still be attractive, but you've been there and done that. New is always better. Even if it's not actually better. You know?
A couple months ago I was talking to this 16 year old kid. He was kind of a shy kid who you could tell spent a lot of time playing video games and surfing around the internet. (read:virgin) He was kind of awkward and you could tell he wasn't really good at socializing with people. Being the amazing person that I am I decided to engage him and try to get him to come out of his shell. We talked for a few minutes and when he said that he spent a lot of his time on the internet I asked him what his favorite website was. His answer? Facebook.
Really? I mean, really? How could facebook possibly be someone's favorite website? Facebook is without a doubt the most annoying website on the entire internet. It is a website that you spend the most time on (mostly looking for pictures of girls you like in bathing suits), but that you get the least amount of value you from. Facebook isn't a fun website to visit, but it has somehow become a part of our daily routine and doesn't seem to be going anywhere. (And don't say "I don't go on facebook anymore." You sound like one of those guys that proudly announce they "don't own a TV." You're basically announcing to the world that you think you are better than them and need them to know about it. Good for you. You'll never know how freaking awesome Parks & Rec is or how absolutely lame your friends are. I hope you choke on your Kashi cereal.)
Here is the thing though: facebook is not the problem. Yes, it's a flawed website and they are always adding dumb stuff that people don't really want, but it's still the absolute best at what it does. Twitter is great, but I can't go on twitter and stalk my ex-girlfriend and make myself feel better because I think her new boyfriend is less attractive than me. I can't make fun of my friend who lives in Canada for his bachelor party pictures if he doesn't post them one by one (which would take forever and people would find annoying because you are "flooding their timeline." btw, bite me twitter police.) Don't even get me started on Google Plus which could have stolen everybody if they just did "facebook how it used to be," but instead decided on this weird circle things where you can't easily share things on someone else's wall. (WHAT!?) Like it or not facebook is the only game in town.
I remember when I first got myspace and it was so much fun. I had music playing when you went to my page. (In retrospect this is super lolz.) I think it was "Can I Get Get Get" by Junior Senior or maybe that "Way I Are" song. (Shut up. Chicks digged it.) We would post pics from nights out and then comment all the funny stuff we did on the pics. I could have long, drawn out conversations with my friends in the email while they were at work where we talked about super important things. My son's mother could print out things I wrote on there in an attempt to use them against me in court. Oh, wait that last one kind of sucked. Forget I said that. The point is that it was fun for a minute and then we all went to facebook and it was better and ever cooler for a minute too. We posted our pics, we wrote funny statuses, we became friends on there with new people that we were friends with and it was fun. As someone who always thinks people are out there having fun without me it was perfect. This was like hanging out with the people I like all the time. It's what social media was invented for and why social media is not going away. We all want to hang out all the time.
But then it all went wrong. How did it all go wrong? Well, in my opinion there are two things that went wrong and they are:
Everyone in the world got facebook which caused everyone else's butthole to clench up.
Pretty much everyone is dumb.
We'll cover the second one first because I like to do things backwards.
In the "glory days" of facebook you would have EVERYONE updating their statuses on a near daily basis. Some people were dumb. Chill bros like Tyler and I would post funny stuff. I remember one time I did a status/ten comment thing where I re-wrote the chorus to "I Gotta Feeling" that I thought was absolutely hilarious.
In the comments one person did not get the joke. The other thought it was funny. Zero likes. Re-reading it now it's not as funny as I remember (although I do love the "I don't want hot dogs, not again" line and the next verse about making out with a guy is awesome), but my heart was in the right (hilarious) place. People should have enjoyed it more.
So here I am trying to entertain my friends by writing funny things on my wall while you have these dummies on there posting "LIKE THIS IF YOU THINK CHILD MOLESTATION IS BAD" and getting like 500 likes and 200 comments. Yeah dude screw child molestation! It gets old fast. You start to slip away and wonder what the point of posting funny stuff is if nobody gets it. I still do it, but jut not as much as I used to. The dumb people are taking over and it scares away the smart people. Shouldn't that really be the other way around?
The biggest knock against facebook is probably that it should really be called "Babies & Marriage-book" or as I like to call it "Babies, Marriage & I just ran a marathon let me tell you about it-book" There are so many people that I didn't even realize I was still friends with that use facebook just to announce that their boyfriend proposed to them. Then they get the two thousand comments that all say the same "so happy for you girl" crap. I mean, yeah, good for you and all that. Does he still wear your shoes to bed? Because that was kinda weird, but still good for you. Worse is when you don't see them on the website again until they actually do get married and then they post pictures and videos everyday for the next three years until the inevitable baby and then post pics of that kid every day until the end of time. Wheee.
Honestly, I can't knock these people too much because that's who they become. They used to be these young fun people, but then they get married and have married friends and those friends have kids so they have kids too and that's all their lives revolve around. Now all the sudden they are old and lame and you are left wondering what happened. It's not their fault that there isn't a setting on facebook for "I used to be cool, but I'm not anymore so please unfriend." Life would normally take care of that for us, but with facebook we're stuck with them unless we take the time to click a few buttons and that takes way too long so they can just annoy us forever.
The random users are annoying too. The idea of "I haven't posted on this site in months, but I have to now because I'm engaged/I'm on vacation and need to check in to let you know/I'm in or out of a relationship/I ran a marathon and need validation" are frustrating, but not the worst. That's because the worst are the over updaters. You know the ones. The people who use facebook too much or worse use it too much because facebook is actually their personal therapist. You read the status "SO UPSET RIGHT NOW" and then fourteen people come in and comment asking them "what's wrong?" which plays perfectly to the poster's narcissism. These people are the same ones who update their relationship after every big fight, let you know when they are sick or hungover, post inspirational quotes because they really need to hear it today, react to every tragedy like their opinion matters, delete stuff that gets them a negative reaction, ask you to click like because a like will somehow stop kids from being murdered of AIDs and everything else that annoys the crap out of me. Seriously, nobody gives a shit if you are having lunch at Subway. People eat lunch at Subway everyday. It's not news. I don't care that you had a Veggie Delight. It would delight me more if you shut the hell up about it.
The only way we're ever going to take our social media back and have it be fun is to unfollow these people, but that unfortunately is harder than it would seem. Why? Because these annoying people are our family members, our bosses and our friend or relative's boyfriends and girlfriends. They are annoying because we are stuck with them. Which brings us back to the first problem: nobody wants to use facebook anymore because it is impossible to say anything cool without fear of being prosecuted by our families or our bosses.
Let me tell you a story. A couple weeks ago we had this thing called the Pants Party. It was awesome. Of course afterwards there were quite a few pictures of me posted on facebook and none of them were very flattering. Which is completely fine with me because I don't like having a filter. Much like Popeye I am who I am. Anyways, let's say that this is one of the photos that was posted on the site:
To me that's a funny pic and a good representation of what you missed if you weren't there. If I saw that pic of one of my friends and knew that this was a party I could have been at I would be pissed, but maybe that's just me. Anyways when I got home the next day my mom asked me if I had my facebook profile public to which I told her no. Her reply? "Oh good. I saw those pictures from your party. Maybe we shouldn't be facebook friends."
I had other friends who saw the same pic and the next time I saw them in person they made fun of me for it. Why did they have to wait? Couldn't they have just done it in the comments? Isn't that the point of the comments? Not anymore. Not when your boss not only sees your wall, but what you comment on. Not when your girlfriend doesn't want her mom to think less of you. This is life now and this is the problem with facebook. This is why it will never really be good again.
Everyone is afraid of someone seeing what they do. Which is to say that everyone is afraid of being themselves for fear of someone judging them for it. I don't care that my mom saw that, but I am not like a lot of people. My parents read this blog they know how dumb I am.
If the point of social media is to hang out with your friends when you are not hanging out with your friends than this point has been completely ruined by facebook and being forced to be friends with your co-workers you don't like, bosses who suck, idiots you knew ten years ago and family members who don't understand you. It's sad because everyone should have videos like this one out there on their facebook wall for all their friends to see. What's the point of doing something like this if you can't share it with the people you like?
This weird video of me dancing at Wrestlemania is what it should be all about. Doing fun things, sharing them with your friends who aren't there and having a good time with it. Instead it's just this dumping ground for pictures of your kids and where you're eating right now. It's kind of sad really.
Let me begin by saying that I really like Seth McClung.
He's a charismatic and seemingly personable player with whom fans can identify and hope succeeds. Something I like even more than Seth McClung is the concept of Seth McClung having an unfiltered medium to fire off stream of consciousness thoughts, random musings and wild interactions out into the world. Enter @BigRedBBall.
Over the winter, Clunger inked a minor league deal with the Crew with hopes of cracking a big league roster for the first time since he appeared in 41 games for the Brewers in 2009. The low-profile signing was enough to spark a collective "Oh yeah! I remember Seth McClung!" among most Milwaukee faithful. Caught up in Big Red fever myself, as well as the Kenny Powers-type storyline of Southern fried reliever taking a shot at the bigs again, I permitted McClung to join the rarefied ranks of Cinnabon, Dad Boner, adult film star Lexi Belle and CYBORG HANSON TOMMY... also known as "Things and people I follow on Twitter."
In no time, it became obvious that my decision to follow McClung was a great one. Behind the 140 available characters the fringe reliever employed, one tremendous character emerged. Each poorly-punctuated, misspelled, fucked up tweet granted insight into the inner workings of McClung's unconventional mind. In a world where 98 percent of professional athletes waste bandwidth by shitting out unoriginal tweets like "Off to the gym! lol" or typing stupid shit about God or whatever, Seth's unpolished and less-filtered take on tweeting was a refreshing change of pace. Whether tweeting covert pictures from team meetings, publicly asking companies for free shit or throwing me a retweet when I made fun of him, it was all pretty great.
Sadly, after a Spring Training spent making me laugh online and struggling on the mound, McClung failed to earn a spot on Milwaukee's roster and was sent to languish in triple-A Nashville. Around that time, Clunger also unplugged from the Twitter-sphere and went off the grid. Figuring nothing gold can stay, I had the foresight to snag a few screen caps of some particularly enjoyable @BigRedBBall gems. Honestly, some of these don't even scrape the surface of the account's quality. But like the long-extinct Carolina Parakeet, Surge, or the expectation of new episodes of The Office being funny, it's gone now. All we can do is look back on it fondly and appreciate whatever particulate residue remains from it.
I now give you the top 10 @BigRedBBall tweets (we have):
10. "Let her shine by herself Joe"
Raise your hand if you took Seth McClung to be an Idol aficianado? Not so fast, entire universe. My brain read this tweet in the same crying tone that "Leave Britney Alone!!!" dude had.
9. House for sale Twitter can be used for a lot of things. It's part promotional tool, part sounding board, a means of trying out new jokes, a way to connect. Additionally, you can sell your own house. If I wasn't poor and petrified to be anywhere near Florida for more than 15 minutes, I'd jump at the chance to own something a marginal Brewers pitcher jacked off inside of. Maybe I can find the Quizno's where Ruben Quevedo works.
8. "I think Id play a solid bad guy."
McClung is at that weird level of notoriety where a very small and specific group of people is aware he exists. Where I would be thrilled to see him in a cameo where he's a quirky gas station employee in some road trip boner comedy, 150 percent of the rest of the planet wouldn't recognize him from any other bit actor. When he wrote this, I said "I thought you were the guy who said 'Sweet!' on those Dodger Hemi ads." He replied, "I wish!" and retweeted me. In that fleeting moment, I felt kind of famous. Speaking of, any screenwriters out there have a role for me?
7. Not a morning person.
It happens to the best of us. Just, most of us aren't wearing button down baseball jerseys when we do it.
6. "Learn from a PRO!"
Perhaps Clunger had an inkling a promotion to Milwaukee was unlikely during the spring. Hence him hocking $50 pitching lessons behind the field after practices. Still, it'd be kind of cool to get tips from a pro athlete while at Spring Training. It's times like these I wish I was 10 again and my mom's boyfriend was angling for my approval.
5. Pitchers be prayin'!!!
This is evidence of the hurler's sensitivity. Amid the chaos, Seth would occasionally sprinkle in a mention of how much he missed his wife and daughter, as well as this. Humanizing. Touching. Almost makes you forget that airplanes are exponentially safer than cars are.
4. Thank goodness the Brewers signed Jay Gibbons.
February 28th, 2012. Mark that date down as the first time anyone was happy Jay Gibbons was on their team.
3. Juggler "fore hire."
More shameless self promo. Depending on how much he charges for juggling, this could actually be a pretty good deal. My birthday is December 18th, by the way. WINK! WINK!
2. Send shoes. "Yo, Nike. Big fan. So... I'm a professional athlete who has a standing offer on his home. I also accept untaxed income to play catch with kids. Anyway, where was I going with this? Oh yeah, send me some free shit."
1. "Saw something crazy in the sky..." Awesome.
McClung's current 2-10 record an 5.17 ERA in 16 starts at Nashville makes him an unlikely call-up for Milwaukee. Plus, there are a heft of better and younger minor league options (many already on the 40-man roster) that would likely take the mound before Seth, even if he turned his season around after the All-Star break. Still, I can take the likelihood of never seeing Seth McClung pitch another inning again, if I could just see one more tweet from @BigRedBBall. RIP.