10
Jul 09

How Parra Got His Groove Back

Manny Parra

Parra: Man, Nashville sucks. I wish I was back in Milwaukee.

/goes to Grand Ole Opry

Parra: I mean, it's not like I WANT to pitch bad. I don't know how those batters get to the bases. I throw and they don't swing, what am I supposed to do? Why won't Doug Melvin understand?

/goes to Country Music Hall of Fame

Parra: I wonder who won the sausage race today. I bet it was the Polish, he's due.

/runs out of things to do in Nashville

Parra: God, what am I doing? I'm so lost. Maybe I should join twitter. Then people will notice me. Then I can get back to Milwaukee. That will be my thing, the baseball player who tweets during his starts. That's the ticket.

/joins twitters, nobody follows him

Parra: Crap. I should just sit in this clubhouse until I get called up.

/puts hands in face, slowly starts to weep

Voice: Hello.

Parra: Oh, hi. Ummmm, I just had something in my eye. It's really dusty down here. Hey, aren't you...

billy ray cyrus

Billy Ray Cyrus: Billy Ray Cyrus? Well, yes I am.

Parra: Well, I was going to say Hannah Montana's dad Robbie Stewart but if you want me to call you that, that's cool. What are you doing here?

Billy Ray Cyrus: The owner said he'd give me thirty bucks and a free hot dog with mustard on it if I came and sang the national anthem before tonight's game.

Parra: Woah sweet deal.

/high five

Billy Ray Cyrus: Hey partner, I can't help but notice that someone seems to have broken your achy-breaky heart. Is there something I can help you with?

Parra: I don't know Billy Ray. I'm a pitcher and my general manager said I throw too many "balls" and not enough "strikes", but I told him that if I didn't throw balls how would I pitch? I can't just hold the ball you know?

Billy Ray Cyrus: I'm sorry to hear that Manny, but I've got some good news for you. In addition to being a successful country singer, actor and media personality I am also an excellent pitcher. I think I can help you.

Parra: How?

Billy Ray Cyrus: Like this.

/Billy Ray Cyrus throws a perfect strike

Parra: Woah, how did you do that? That was amazing.

Billy Ray Cyrus: You see there's this thing called the strike zone.

Parra: The what?

Billy Ray Cyrus: The strike zone. The strike zone is a conceptual three dimensional right angle pentagonal prism over home plate which defines the boundaries through which a pitch must pass in order to count as a strike when the batter does not swing.

Parra: WOAH. Why didn't anyone tell me about this? Where is it? Is it really hard to find like the g-spot? Is it hidden in lines and lines of code like the Matrix? Will I need to travel to Narnia?

Billy Ray Cyrus: No, it's right there in front of you. The top of the strike zone is a horizontal line at the midpoint between the top of the batter's shoulders and the top of the uniform pants. The bottom of the strike zone is a line at the hollow beneath the kneecap. The right and left boundaries of the strike zone correspond to the edges of home plate. A pitch that touches the outer boundary of the zone is as much a strike as a pitch that is thrown right down the center. A pitch at which the batter does not swing and which does not pass through the strike zone is called a ball. Unofficially, the de facto enforced strike zone may be different at any different level.

Parra: Hang on a second, you're pulling my leg aren't you? Is this how you get your kicks Billy Ray?

Billy Ray Cyrus: Hand to God Manny, it's the truth. Billy Ray gets his kicks banging extras on the set of Hannah Montana when Miley has no clue. There was this one time on Best of Both Worlds with these Vietnamese twins and a tennis racket that I --

Parra: Billy!

Billy Ray Cyrus: Sorry. Okay, about the strike zone. It works like this.

Billy Ray Cyrus shows Manny Parra a series of graphs and illustrations defining the strike zone. This process goes on for many hours and Manny has a hard time with the concept until Billy Ray shows him this picture.

strikezone

Parra: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I get it.


29
May 09

The Remetee is the experience

Say, have I ever told you how stupid I think Ryan Braun's shirt line is? I haven't? Oh man, I hate them. I think they are stupid. I would never wear one of those things! Why, only an idiot would want to wear one of those right? Right? Ummmm.... right?

Apparently not. Apparently these shirts are HIP. Remetee is probably the biggest thing to hit the scene since Kris Kross decided to wear their pants backwards (because inside out was wiggity wiggity wack). Celebrities and athletes of all shapes and sizes wear them. Everyone from American Idol runner up Adam Lambert to Jerry Rice wear them. WWE "wrestler" Gene Snitsky (who once killed a baby I believe) wears Remetee. Even musicians and producers like Sleepy Brown and System of a Down bassit Shavo wear them. These celebrities wear these shirts with pride and make them look good doing it. Remetee has arrived and celebrities love them. That being said, not every celebrity can make them look good. Some people maybe you shouldn't be photographing in these shirts if you want them to sell.

Like Carrie Prejean, the controversial Miss California, who gives the Remetee shirt the look of "hating gays".

Carrie Prejean

Do you want me to take this off now?

Or tennis pro Marat Safin who gives the shirt the "volleyball scene from Top Gun" look.

marat-safin

After the picture you'll introduce me to A-Rod?

Tom Green gives Remetee the "I dated Drew Barrymore once. No, really I did. I used to be somebody." look.

tom-green

My bum is on the shirt, bum is on the shirt. Get it? Because I had that one song?

None of these models are quite as offensive or say to the potential shirt buyer "STAY AWAY" as much as Yovanni Gallardo does.

yovanni gallardo

Am I doing it right, Ryan? Do I look cool?

No, Yovanni. A million times no.

If you are interested in buying a Remetee shirt all you have to do is go to another site because Miller Park Drunk does not support anyone wearing these.

(Thanks to Rachel for the tip.)

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    1973 Topps #152 - Dave May Milwaukee Brewers
    1973 Topps #152 - Dave May Milwaukee Brewers
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