10
Jan 13

Vote Braun For Video Game Thing

Referenced.

Referenced.

Full disclosure - I'm not exactly a gamer. I tried playing Guitar Hero once before realizing it was nothing like playing a real guitar... which I also suck at playing. The only system I own is Super NES, and the only game I play on it is NBA Jam. And I haven't even played that in over two years.

This isn't to suggest that I'm in any way better than avid gamers out there. In fact, I'm probably much worse of a person than most gamers. Instead of stimulating my mind and honing my hand-eye coordination by funneling my past time into completing missions, willing a team to a division title, and launching pissed off avian creatures into a series of structures, I funnel my free time into shit like: drinking too much and too frequently, watching sports and comedy on TV, tweeting obscure '90s song references to my staggering 334 followers (and shrinking!), promoting my fairly unsuccessful novelty t-shirt business in a myriad of tasteless ways, singing songs I make up in the moment to my girlfriend's cat, eating foods I probably shouldn't, lamenting my lack of physical activity or income, and Internet porn. Video game obsession is cooler than at least four of those things.

Alas, it's too late for me to become a gamer in a world that's expanded beyond 16 bits. But that--mixed with the on-going absence of any worthwhile Brewers offseason news--won't keep me from campaigning for Ryan Braun, the face of Milwaukee (not counting that oddly alluring look of determination on Milverine's face when he's walking downtown) himself, to appear on the cover of PS3's MLB '13 The Show this season. The popular game is currently accepting votes for seven players on its ballot, and is taking votes through Friday night.

HEY YOU GUYS!!!

HEY YOU GUYS!!!

Though I'm personally more invested in getting new Brewer Tom Gorzelanny on the 30th anniversary edition cover of The Goonies, this video game honor would be awesome for Wisconsin sports. That is, it'd be awesome assuming there isn't some sort of weird curse associated with being the cover boy like with the Madden games or when Kirby lost his fortunate in that Ponzi scheme shortly after the release of Kirby's Dreamland 2. Though the Brewers get significantly more attention than the franchise did a decade ago, the (of late) perennially competitive team is often overlooked compared to much of the league. And the visual of Cardinals and Cubs fans having something with Braun's photo ever-present on their coffee tables all season long is too funny to pass up.

However, the vote isn't going Braun's way so far. Of the seven players up for vote, Braun sits a cool (drum roll) SEVENTH!!! Yikes. Sure, Braun's implicit (while withdrawn) connection to a banned substance, his awful shirt line, his polarizing on-field attitude, Milwaukee's small-ish market standing, and the fact that Braun indiscriminately clobbers pitching from all other teams are probably all factors taking votes away from him. But Braun is not even near the least appealing option up for video game immortality. Here are the others (along with current ranking)...

Andrew McCutchen - First Place
'Cutch is the type of player all fans could and should love. He can do it all, and he's quickly becoming a household name. If Braun can't win, I'm glad McCutchen might. Still, he's never led a team to the playoffs and he led no meaningful statistical category last season--two criteria of most cover stars.

Miguel Cabrera - Second Place
Great player. Big titties. He's the total package. Yet voting for some chubby fielding liability who plays for one of Earth's richest sports franchises to be on the cover of a video game is like writing a positive Yelp review of McDonald's.

CC Sabathia - Third Place
I take that back, if Braun can't win, I want CC to grace the game cover. Even with Yankees garb, every time I see Sabathia, I can't help but smile. He makes me think of the Wild Card run in 2008. Plus, even bigger/better moobs than Cabrarea.

Matt Kemp - Fourth Place
Matt Kemp is a wealthy and successful Los Angeles resident who used to bang Rihanna. He doesn't need anything else given to him. I hate the way life works.

Bryce Harper - Fifth Place
Have I mentioned that I hate the way life works? This cartoon character can't even drink legally (not that he would, being that he's Mormon) and he's financially set for life. Unless God actually exists and he opts to smite Harper for using a sinful amount of eyeblack, Bryce will be around the league until 2033, making the game I love a tad more annoying with every year that goes by. I don't need another place to see him right now. Save that for PS4 or impending Playstation/Wii combination system "The DP Station".

Buster Posey - Sixth Place
Sure, why not give Posey ANOTHER thing Braun deserves more? It worked so well with the MVP last year.

You can cast you vote HERE or by sending a tweet with the hashtag #MLB13BRAUN

  • BrewBay

    Could not parse file.