10
Jul 09

How Parra Got His Groove Back

Manny Parra

Parra: Man, Nashville sucks. I wish I was back in Milwaukee.

/goes to Grand Ole Opry

Parra: I mean, it's not like I WANT to pitch bad. I don't know how those batters get to the bases. I throw and they don't swing, what am I supposed to do? Why won't Doug Melvin understand?

/goes to Country Music Hall of Fame

Parra: I wonder who won the sausage race today. I bet it was the Polish, he's due.

/runs out of things to do in Nashville

Parra: God, what am I doing? I'm so lost. Maybe I should join twitter. Then people will notice me. Then I can get back to Milwaukee. That will be my thing, the baseball player who tweets during his starts. That's the ticket.

/joins twitters, nobody follows him

Parra: Crap. I should just sit in this clubhouse until I get called up.

/puts hands in face, slowly starts to weep

Voice: Hello.

Parra: Oh, hi. Ummmm, I just had something in my eye. It's really dusty down here. Hey, aren't you...

billy ray cyrus

Billy Ray Cyrus: Billy Ray Cyrus? Well, yes I am.

Parra: Well, I was going to say Hannah Montana's dad Robbie Stewart but if you want me to call you that, that's cool. What are you doing here?

Billy Ray Cyrus: The owner said he'd give me thirty bucks and a free hot dog with mustard on it if I came and sang the national anthem before tonight's game.

Parra: Woah sweet deal.

/high five

Billy Ray Cyrus: Hey partner, I can't help but notice that someone seems to have broken your achy-breaky heart. Is there something I can help you with?

Parra: I don't know Billy Ray. I'm a pitcher and my general manager said I throw too many "balls" and not enough "strikes", but I told him that if I didn't throw balls how would I pitch? I can't just hold the ball you know?

Billy Ray Cyrus: I'm sorry to hear that Manny, but I've got some good news for you. In addition to being a successful country singer, actor and media personality I am also an excellent pitcher. I think I can help you.

Parra: How?

Billy Ray Cyrus: Like this.

/Billy Ray Cyrus throws a perfect strike

Parra: Woah, how did you do that? That was amazing.

Billy Ray Cyrus: You see there's this thing called the strike zone.

Parra: The what?

Billy Ray Cyrus: The strike zone. The strike zone is a conceptual three dimensional right angle pentagonal prism over home plate which defines the boundaries through which a pitch must pass in order to count as a strike when the batter does not swing.

Parra: WOAH. Why didn't anyone tell me about this? Where is it? Is it really hard to find like the g-spot? Is it hidden in lines and lines of code like the Matrix? Will I need to travel to Narnia?

Billy Ray Cyrus: No, it's right there in front of you. The top of the strike zone is a horizontal line at the midpoint between the top of the batter's shoulders and the top of the uniform pants. The bottom of the strike zone is a line at the hollow beneath the kneecap. The right and left boundaries of the strike zone correspond to the edges of home plate. A pitch that touches the outer boundary of the zone is as much a strike as a pitch that is thrown right down the center. A pitch at which the batter does not swing and which does not pass through the strike zone is called a ball. Unofficially, the de facto enforced strike zone may be different at any different level.

Parra: Hang on a second, you're pulling my leg aren't you? Is this how you get your kicks Billy Ray?

Billy Ray Cyrus: Hand to God Manny, it's the truth. Billy Ray gets his kicks banging extras on the set of Hannah Montana when Miley has no clue. There was this one time on Best of Both Worlds with these Vietnamese twins and a tennis racket that I --

Parra: Billy!

Billy Ray Cyrus: Sorry. Okay, about the strike zone. It works like this.

Billy Ray Cyrus shows Manny Parra a series of graphs and illustrations defining the strike zone. This process goes on for many hours and Manny has a hard time with the concept until Billy Ray shows him this picture.

strikezone

Parra: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I get it.


25
May 09

What is this strange place? It is nothing like home

machahead /steps off the plane in Minnesota
sveumd WOAH
*Apr 17 - 00:05* WOAH
machahead WOAH
sveumd Where the F are we?
*Apr 17 - 00:05* The itinerary says "Minn-ass-atah".
sveumd Where is that, freakin' Japan?
machahead No, "Minn-AH-So-Tah". You know, 'Discover Minnesota' like in the commercials they show during our games.
sveumd You watch TV during our games?
machahead You don't?
*Apr 17 - 00:05* LOL
sveumd LOL
*Apr 17 - 00:05* Whoa, what's the deal with all these white people? I feel like the Jackie Robinson of Minnesota tourism.
machahead Yeah and did you notice how things are sort of "blue collar" here?
sveumd And there is a surprising amount of overweight people?
machahead Talk about a bizarro world.
*Apr 17 - 00:05* Yeah and did you see all these purple jerseys? It's almost like the people who live here care more about their NFL team than their baseball team.
sveumd DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO
machahead And what is the deal with all these lakes? It's like every time you turn around, there's another lake.
*Apr 17 - 00:05* The road is long with many a winding turn. He ain't heavy, he's my brother.
sveumd /high five
*Apr 17 - 00:05* If I can be serious for a moment, I bet some of the population says things like "yah hey dare" and "doncha know?"
sveumd I bet the people here hate the Chicago Bears.
machahead I bet in the winter time it is easier to find fresh venison than a good plate of caviar and that it's always easier to find a good microbrew than a nice bottle of wine.
sveumd I bet the amount of liberals and conservatives is evenly distributed, but for some reason most of the liberals live in a specific area of the state.
*Apr 17 - 00:05* I bet the fall is beautiful, the winters too long and the summers too short.
sveumd Seriously Ken, this place is freaking me out. I'm a hitting coach, get me out of here!
*Apr 17 - 00:05* Yeah, it's nothing like Wisconsin. We need to hightail it out. Screw our record, this is about SURVIVAL.
machahead Don't worry guys, I'll take care of everything.

AND THE REST IS HISTORY.

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