05
Apr 12

Miller Park Drunk’s Milwaukee Brewers Season Preview Hashtag Opening Day

Opening Day is here.

I guess this means it's time for me to stop being a baby and get over the way last season ended. This would be easy if it wasn't for the ___ ____Cardinals winning the ___ ____ World _______ Series and then (and then!) watching them open the season by winning without one of the greatest hitters (and __holes of all time) or their ___hole manager. The Cardinals are in first place right now and that is honestly the last thing I want to hear right now. I'd even rank it ahead of "I'm pregnant" and "Your herpes seemed to have evolved into some sort of super herpes." The Cardinals winning last night was a bigger downer than Daniel Bryan losing in 18 seconds, but....

It's a new season. A new day. Yesterday doesn't matter. Last season is nothing, but a page in the history books because the only thing that matters now is now because we can't change the past. Marty and Doc can't go back in time and make Shaun Marcum go on the DL before game 6. The only thing we can do in this life is move on from our past mistakes and do the very best we can in our present and future. That's why I stopped drinking vodka-Red Bulls. Yesterday is gone, the future is now and guess what? The Brewers are going to be pretty freakin' awesome this year. Our future is looking bright. So bright I gotta wear shades. Continue reading →


29
Mar 12

Are We There Yet?

I love baseball, but I hate spring training.

To a lot of people baseball begins when the pitchers and catchers report to spring training. Some people even make the pilgrimage down to Arizona to watch the games. Other people like to post play-by-play of every spring training "game" on twitter like it's game six of the World Series. I am not one of these people. (Don't get me wrong, I'm not judging these people. Baseball season doesn't start for me until after Wrestlemania so who the hell am I to talk?)

The thing about spring training is that it's not really baseball. In baseball there are two teams that want to win that each make strategic moves in an attempt to make that goal a reality. In spring training there are a few guys who want to do good because this might be their only chance to impress, a few guys who waited to long to get into shape, a few guys who want to get laid by some MILFs in the stands and the rest of the team just wants it to be over with already. And you know those guys that you want to see? The stars? The good players? They are in the last two categories, not the first two. I love the Milwaukee Brewers, but watching them play spring training is the absolute worst. I'd rather watch a Batman themed gay porn with Alfred and Robin doing bondage.

(I am going to get so many weird Google search hits from that line.)

Continue reading →


24
Jan 12

Prince Fielder signs with the Detroit Tigers

Well here it is. The day we always knew would arrive has finally come and Prince Fielder is officially no longer a member of the Milwaukee Brewers. Some held out hope that the Brewers still had a chance and that the lack of big offers coming in early meant that he'd accept the Brewers original 5 year offer. It was a nice dream, but a dream that ultimately would never come to fruition. The Brewers made their pitch, Scott Boras didn't think it was good enough and that was that. We moved on, signed other guys and played the waiting game on Prince. We waited and waited and waited some more. We waited so long that we started saying things like "Maybe Prince will decide to be a free agent next year instead and come back on a 1-year deal!" We convinced ourselves that there wasn't an offer over 6 years out there and if that was all there was then we could match it, we could get Prince back! With Prince Fielder coming back the Brewers would be better than last year, heck, they'd be better than ever!

And then Prince Fielder signed a 9 year two-hundred-and-fourteen million dollar deal with Detroit.

I won't get too into the place where Prince Fielder decided to sign too much because who cares, but I will say this: it was about the money. It wasn't about playing first base because the Tigers already have a first baseman (who could move to thrid and be bad) and a catcher (who should probably move to first in the next couple years.) He'll be a DH in a year tops. It wasn't about winning (even though they are a lock for the AL Central for at least the next two years) because they are still in the AL and have to go through Boston and/or New York to get to the World Series. It wasn't about family because the chances of his family getting shot/hooked on drugs/turned out just went up about 5000%.

The reason Prince Fielder is a Detroit Tiger is because of the money and that's pretty much the only reason he is a Detroit Tiger. This isn't a bad thing. If someone is going to offer that to him he deserves it and he should take it. The Brewers certainly weren't going to (and thank god for that.) Good for you Prince. Get that money dog. I wish someone would pay me $214 dollars to write this site for the next nine years. I can't imagine what I'd do if you added six zeroes after that. That being said, Detroit? Really?

(While we're here how the hell does Detroit have the money to offer contracts like this? The population has dropped 25% in the last decade, the auto industry is a thing of the past and the city itself is going bankrupt. If I owned that team I'd be less concerned with Prince Fielder and more concerned with getting the hell out of Detroit.)

But enough about that, let's talk about Prince Fielder in Milwaukee. Continue reading →


20
Dec 11

Meet the new Milwaukee Brewers infield!

I don't know about you guys, but I am already sick of all this Ryan Braun stuff. Just tell me if he's suspended or not and for how many games if so. That's all I care about. I don't care how or why or who gave him what, all I care is how it affects my watching him. Seriously. (Quick aside: If he does have the herp like everyone seems to think, you should all shut up about it. I guarantee the girl he got it from was worth every cold sore. If you get my drift. WINK NUDGE.) Let's just forget about it for awhile and talk about happier things. (Also, buy the shirt.)

The 2012 Milwaukee Brewers are going to look a lot different than the 2011 Milwaukee Brewers, but that doesn't mean they aren't going to still be freakin' awesome. I mean, let's just look at the 2012 infield. We lost/we're losing Prince Fielder, but overall the infield is going to be better than it was last year. I know that sounds crazy, but it's true! The Brewers are going to be better than they were last year without Prince. Believe that.

Let's meet the new and improved Milwaukee Brewers 2012 infield. Continue reading →


20
Oct 11

The Brewers lost: How They’re Handling It

Are you over the Brewers elimination yet? I know I'm not. Last night was the first game 1 of the World Series I didn't watch in my entire life. Seriously, I used to turn off Sesame Street to watch that sh-t. I didn't even gamble on it! I just want to pretend it doesn't even exist. It's a weird feeling being this depressed for this long, but I'll be over it eventually. It's like breaking up with someone really. Only if when you broke up with them you knew you were going to get back together in a year, you could check in on them whenever you wanted, they were going to make changes to make themselves better and that neither of you were going to see anyone else for the whole time you were apart. So, you know, the complete opposite of what every girl who has ever broken up with me does.

Still, it's good to know I am not alone in this. Plenty of other Brewers fans have been feeling this same sense of loss and pain. It's good to be together through this, isn't it? Glad you're here. Couldn't do this without you. What's even better to know is that the Brewers themselves are going through some of the same depression that we are and thanks to my standing as the Milwaukee area, baseball specific TMZ I have the pictures to prove it. As you'll see the funny thing about depression is that no two people handle it the same way and the Brewers are no different. Continue reading →

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