08
Jul 14

10 Things You Can Sue The Brewers For $10 Million Over

In case you don't read the Courthouse News Service while enjoying your breakfast tea and beignets everyday like I do, a big story out of New York is that a man is suing the Yankees, MLB and ESPN because they showed him asleep on television. And then they did this:

ESPN focused its cameras on him, Rector says, and then "Announcers like Dan Shulman and John Kruck unleashed avalanche of disparaging words against the person of and concerning the plaintiff. These words, include but not limited to 'stupor, fatty, unintelligent, stupid' knowing and intending the same to be heard and listened to by millions of people all over the world ..."

 

jtcryBut that's not all. They also said these more specific hurtful things:

 "Plaintiff is a fatty cow that need two seats at all time and represent symbol of failure.
"Plaintiff is a confused disgusted and socially bankrupt individual.
"Plaintiff is confused individual that neither understands nor knows anything about history and the meaning of rivalry between Red Sox and New York Yankee.
"Plaintiff is so stupid that he cannot differentiate between his house and public place by snoozing throughout the fourth inning of the Yankee game."

googoodolls

"Plaintiff is so fat he sat on an iPhone and turned it into an iPad.
"Plaintiff is so fat he also is suing X-Box 360 for guessing his weight.
"Plaintiff is so stupid he went to the dentist to get his Bluetooth fixed."

And on and on and on. There is a lot of hurt in there and while I don't doubt Rector's claims (or his feelings) I have to throw a bit of shade on the lawsuit. I mean, ten million? For that? I can think of way worse things that baseball has done to me that deserve money more than this. Continue reading →


16
Jul 13

The Best and Worst of the Milwaukee Brewers 2013 First Half

worstbrewersfirsthalfIt's been awhile since I stole the Best and Worst gimmick from someone else (since the good times in fact,) but I felt this particular season was in more need of it than any before. After all, what season could be in need of some positivity more than this one? Put it this way, I debated with myself all morning on whether or not it should be called 'the Worst and Worst.' It's been that kind of season. So, without much further adieu let's get into this thing.

BEST: Jean Segura and Carlos Gomez

That's it. That's all the bests I have.

Okay, maybe not, but that is certainly how this season has felt at times. Nothing has really been great and these two have provided somewhere between 94 and 98 percent of all 2013 positive Brewers memories and I feel like that is a low estimate. They've been just plain fun to watch which is kind of funny because they play exactly the kind of baseball that the manager we don't care for loves to play. That's not to say that their style of baseball is wr0ng or that Roenicke's strategy is right, but these two have proven themselves time and again to be the exceptions that prove the rule. While simultaneously proving that they, as players, rule.

Jean Segura is young and probably not this good with his high BABIP and all, but he has made that Greinke trade look like an absolute steal (even while Johnny Hellweg gives up a homerun on eight out of every ten pitches thrown) and shortstop looks solidified for some time to come. He probably won't be an All-Star again, but he won't be Yuniesky Betancourt ever so he's basically the greatest shortstop in Brewers history. (White guys not included.)

Gomez on the other hand... actually, let's do this right. Continue reading →


22
Apr 13

The End of the World: An OOTP Diary

Last week saw the release of OOTP14, the latest in Out of the Park Developments excellent baseball simulation series, and ever since then I have been playing it. The game is a definite upgrade from last season, but also I played as the Yankees, I played as the Pirates and I played as the Braves, but I never played as the Brewers. The reason is simple: I don't know what the hell is going on with them or what to expect from them. The scoreless streak, the winning streak, Yovani's DUI and the basic roster construction just don't make a lot of sense to me and I don't know how to make this team better. OOTP Doug MelvinSo how do I manage that team? Do I call up Hunter Morris, DFA Alex Gonzalez and/or Yuniesky Betancourt and ship Axford out of town? Do I Stand Pat? Will any of it even matter?

The truth is I don't know what will happen which makes this, not my favorite, but definitely the most intriguing Brewers season I can think of in a long time. For Doctor Who fans, it's much more Clara than Rose Tyler. Or for people who've actually had sex, it's much more LOST than NCIS. Or for people who aren't good with analogies, it's a mystery that won't be solved over night.

Which I guess makes it the perfect season to simulate with OOTP14. So hold on to your hats because we're doing a diary to see just how bad (or good) this season is going to get. (Again.) Continue reading →


27
Mar 13

Kyle Lohse, Yuniesky Betancourt and The End of the World

It has been a tough week for Brewers diehards as the Brewers have made moves that seemingly go against the very core of who they are and what they believe in.

dealwithitFirst, the Brewers had the audacity to add a 2-3 win player to the rotation by signing Kyle Lohse to a three year deal worth $33 million dollars. (Snarky headline: Kyle Lohse Makes Sense, In An Alternate Reality.) The complaints are many, -- too many years (just like every free agent contract ever,) too much money (just like every free agent contract ever (and also, not really,)) he's 34 and that is way too old (true,) he's a spy for the Cardinals sent to destroy our organization's playoff chances (a very real possibility,) I don't know how to spell and/or pronounce his name -- but perhaps the biggest complaint of all is the loss of a FIRST ROUND draft pick which will now go to the CARDINALS instead. "Are you serious bro?" is what you might say if you were the only person left who thinks Zack Ryder is cool.

Then, the Brewers filled the 25th man spot on the roster by acquiring Yuniesky Betancourt. (Snarky headline: Brewers re-sign Yuniesky Betancourt as part of effort to find least popular possible transaction.) The Brewers internet briefly exploded yesterday as fans reacted in outrage of the signing. I took part in the vitriol on twitter. I, like many other Brewers fans, don't like Yuniesky Betancourt as a baseball player so why are the Brewers going to pay him to play baseball? Continue reading →


29
Jan 13

“The Best Song Ever Written About Yuniesky Betancourt”

YunieBHuggingI've been holding this one in my back pocket until former Brewers pop-up machine Yuniesky Betancourt tricked another team into signing him or, worse yet, was taken back by the Brewers. Fortunately, the Phillies fell victim to the veteran middle infielder's cherubic Cuban charm, inking him to a minor league deal to serve as an insurance policy for the empty shells which once encased Jimmy Rollins and Chase Utley.

Anyway, we're getting dangerously close to becoming "The Best Phillies Blog In The World" too, so I'll just get to the original point of this post. A few weeks ago, my pal and former Right Field Bleachers cohort, Jared, alerted me to a little musical number called "The Best Song Ever Written About Yuniesky Betancourt" he found on MySpace. Anxious to see if the lofty claim was true, I didn't even remember to make fun of Jared for using MySpace.

Written and performed by a band called "Green Bay" (but with the Green Day font and baffling use of skulls as cover art), the two-minute song manages to be both the best song about Yuniesky Betancourt AND the worst song about anything ever. Essentially, it's just 120 seconds of some dude dicking around on a piano and mispronouncing Yunie's name. It's pretty rough, and I should know. I'm the official expert on this song. As I write this, the song has only been played four times... three of which are by me. It was uploaded Sept. 9, 2011... when Betancourt was in his final month or so with Milwaukee, for reasons unknown.

The band's catalog is a treasure trove of cringe-inducing goodness. Each song is like two minutes long and none have more than 15 plays. Some of what awaits you...
"Shaun Marcum Wins Lots Of Games"
"Oh oh oh Shaun Marcum. He's a very good pitcher for the Brewers. No on can stop-a Shaun Marcum. He can not be stopped. Shaun Marcum is playing for the Brewers. He's winnin' lots of games for the Brewers. Nobody can hit Shaun Marcum because he pitches with such precision."

I'm as big of a Marcum apologist as you'll ever meet and I disagree with most of that. The accompaniment of a keyboard on accordion setting saves the whole thing, though.

"Jonathan Lucroy (Oh Joy! Oh Boy!)"
Actually pretty amazing. I mean, it's amazing he found two other people to harmonize with for the chorus. Otherwise, this one's predictably bad too.

"Corey Hart Has Heart"
I like how this on makes reference to how Corey Hart's last name (Hart) sounds like the word "heart" and that Corey Hart has heart and that he plays on the Milwaukee Brewers. I counted "Corey Hart has heart" being sang or spoken 25 total times in 1:27. The best part is when the lead singer says "sing it boys!" and the other vocalist is also him.

"Casey McGehee is a Fine Man"
Though awful as well, this 1:21 nightmare starts off innocently enough: jangling piano, a throaty off-key howl butchers McGehee's last name, that same voice reminds us that Casey was a Brewers player when this song was written. But Green Bay quickly takes artistic liberty by making a bunch of unsupported claims. Such outrageous statements include:

You! Up there! Get your fine ass down to the Mayor's Office.

You! Up there! Get your fine ass down to the Mayor's Office.

- Casey finds a way to get on base.
- If he ran for mayor of Milwaukee, he'd be voted in to lead the city (don't bring politics into something already flawed enough).
- Every girl in Wisconsin loves [him] and goes crazy for [him]. They all love [him] and [he] gets the pick of whichever one is most pretty. (Aside from the creepy visual, I'm pretty sure Kevin Mench had more pull in his time with the Brewers)
- He's a good player. (who was traded for Jose Veras and nobody cared, especially the ladies)

"John Axford, The Man With The Moustache"
"Who's gonna get the save? The man who doesn't shave. The man who is so brave. John Axford. Axford, the man who pitches real fast. Axford, the man with the moustache."

Oh great, now I'm sterile.

"Ryan Braun Is The Real Deal!"
That seals it. Ready the Braun bust for Cooperstown. One part that gets me is the lyrics "All the other players kind of make me yawn, but not future Hall Of Famer Ryan Braun." Doesn't any player with talent that's Casey McGehee-level or higher make this guy shoot and influence the way he votes? Or did I vastly underestimate how bad this guy wanted to bone Casey McGehee?

BONUS NON-BREWERS SONG
"Why Did They Trade Richard Jefferson?"
To get expiring contracts. Revisionist history aside, that motive seemed obvious when the trade was made.

Based on the songs about Trevor Hoffman, wanting Favre to stay in Green Bay, Jason Kendall and one called "Bill Hall's Gonna Be Good Again!", it's seems like the musicians (or people who own instruments, rather) behind Green Bay called it quits in late 2011... unless their dropping acid in a crawl space somewhere, hard at work writing a double-LP concept album about how Ekpe Udoh is a good player and that he is on the Bucks.

They say all good things must come to an end. I suppose that's also true for terrible, embarrassing, boner-demolishing things. We'll always have "The Best Song Ever Written About Yuniesky Betancourt" -- the fittingly dreadful and error-riddled audio reminder of the starting shortstop for a Brewers team that we'll never forget.

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